#1
I have a question that seems immoral
it may be slightly rhetorical but
"should I really care how you feel?"
What right did you acquire
that gives you the power
to bring me down lower
hour after hour
until I'm at a level that's even with you?

Perhaps it's just the static in the air
or maybe the winter breeze
that rise my hair and make me shiver
or maybe it was your icy stare.
So nice to think that you could
just stop or that you would not
follow me around every street corner
hailing me to stop pacing and come home.

It's not too late, I still have time,
you're not at my feet yet with calvary behind.
Fighting dirty just seems to be your style.
bringing your older brother to set me straight,
to stop my mistreatment of you.

He sneaks up behind me, tapping my shoulder,
I turn and face him, eye to eye while you hide.
"Hello" he seems to say before I get hit
with all his force full of fire and fury.
Good Morning.
Quote by richwatkinson
haha You pwned an entire website....i bow down...

TheDudeBox
Last edited by Brandon860 at Feb 6, 2008,
#2
I've already given you some input on this, but as an extra, I really think you could find a better name for this one.
#3

I have a question that seems immoral
it may be slightly rhetorical but Good first two lines.
"should I really care how you feel?"
What right did you acquire
that gives you the power
to bring me down lower
hour after hour <I think that this is unecessary and it just doesn't sound good. A little bit amateur. And it doesn't rhyme with power.
until I'm at a level that's even with you? <Good.
Perhaps it's just the static in the air
or maybe the winter breeze
that rise my hair and make me shiver <"Rise" doesn't really sound right ... Maybe "raises" would sound better and then changing
"make" to "makes".

or maybe it was your icy stare. <I don't like this line at all. Way too cliche.
So nice to think that you could
just stop or that you would not <Eh. I think you should take out "just" and move "stop" up to the line above.
follow me around every street corner
hailing me to stop pacing and come home.
It's not too late, I still have time,
you're not at my feet yet with calvary behind.
Fighting dirty just seems to be your style.
bringing your older brother to set me straight,
to stop my mistreatment of you.
He sneaks up behind me, tapping my shoulder, <I'm not sure if a tough guy would have to sneak.
I turn and face him, eye to eye while you hide. <Nice internal rhyme.
"Hello" he seems to say before I get hit
with all his force full of fire and fury.
Good Morning.


Firstly, I think that this would be easier to read and to crit if it was split up into stanzas. About your writing, most of it was alright. Some parts are a bit hard to understand and some don't fit, but it's alright. Of course it could be changed to something better with a little more work, though :] Hmm... title suggestions: "Less Talking More Stalking"? Ha. joke. and corny. Lol. "Another Day Another Black Eye"? Eh. I think it's easier to think of titles when you wrote the piece. Anyways, nice job :]

c4c one of mine? Links below n_n