#1
Tear it to pieces.

Smells like water

Her fingers glow with sulphur
And they kiss each wick of each candle
Until there’s enough faith in the room
To spark up a phoenix,
She twists her wrists in tune with the rain,
And listens to the showerhead empty
Darkly, echoing off the heavy porcelain.
Smells like water,
Up to her breasts in what would feel like prayer,
Suspended and frigid,

She dips her head, submerging her ivory hair first,
And then the water moves up, quickly, past her
Nose and mouth and eyes, up to her neck,
A wind blows in from the window

And as she pulls out like an angel
She swears that she saw Eden,
So she goes to that window, opens it wider,
Swallows the wind
Deeply,
And breaths out a miracle
#2
hey Dylan.

I believe it's been a while since I last got to one of yours.

Quote by #1 synth
Tear it to pieces.

Smells like water

Her fingers glow with sulphur
And they kiss each wick of each candle
Until there’s enough faith in the room
To spark up a phoenix,
She twists her wrists in tune with the rain,
And listens to the showerhead empty
Darkly, echoing off the heavy porcelain.
Smells like water,
Up to her breasts in what would feel like prayer,
Suspended and frigid,

Isn't it spelled "sulfur"? Alright. As far as this stanza goes, I only have two qualms. First, the "smells like water" line is poor and underdeveloped compared to the rest of what you have here. Also, the diction have been bugging me. Insert "it" or "the" at the beginning of the line would make it seem less verbal.

Qualm #2 : phoenix. Although it's a great image and idea on it's own, especially the way you developed it in the first few lines, it doesn't seem to fit in the piece as a whole. You mention Eden later on, but it's the only other "mythical" element or figure that appears there, which leaves the phoenix on it's own in a piece that seems to me more fantastic than mythical.


She dips her head, submerging her ivory hair first,
And then the water moves up, quickly, past her
Nose and mouth and eyes, up to her neck,
A wind blows in from the window

I'm mixed up on the past her half rhyme here. It gives these two lines such a calculated, a little more rough flow flow while what you had previously was smooth and easy. Weakest stanza of the piece. I think you could pull something more interesting here?

And as she pulls out like an angel
She swears that she saw Eden,
So she goes to that window, opens it wider,
Swallows the wind
Deeply,
And breaths out a miracle

I like the wording here. I actually have nothing to complain here, at all. Beautiful ending, although it might seem dull to some. It had something serene in it.


I liked the piece as a whole. It was well written. However, it felt like it was written from a pretty detached point of view. I don't know if that's what you went for, but the fact that it's purely descriptive makes it seem like the narrator barely even cares what's going on here. If you did want it to be detached, I'd suggest to add a little more description, especially in that second stanza, to give this piece the real shining it can potentially have.

If that's not what you went for, then I suggest revising it all and try to find a way so the reader feels more involved in the piece.

Hope it helped,
-Mathieu