#1
Flying swiftly
Eyes are scanning
I find the shiny pure white thread

Its mesmerizing
Cave of web
Taking souls in there sleep

I don't see
Empty corpses
wrapped in the thread of what said

Oh I see
Crimson figure
Body hourglass to die for

*gonna give me one last kiss,
Black widow
Miss me when I'm gone,
Black widow
Feeling me up, to kiss me dead
But you seem to be,
Taking care of me,
Fangs sink! in my lip!*

Dressed crimson
I feel tension
Released with punctured flesh

The crimson have
Many a friend
Black in mourning what lost?

I happen to last
Longer than he
We see she be the hypocrite

I forget in
Pleasant kiss
Pain subsides till she dies

*gonna give me one last kiss,
Black widow
Miss me when I'm gone,
Black widow
Feeling me up, to kiss me dead
But you seem to be,
Taking care of me,
Fangs sink! in my lip!*

pleasant arms
caress my body
We all fall down to the floor

Friends entangling
Around us kissing
I am bleeding happiness

Rub against me
Spread your fleas
You breed pesticides in your kiss

Make me sin
With gleeful grin
****ing, screaming, well I then am dirty

*gonna give me one last kiss,
Black widow
Miss me when I'm gone,
Black widow
Feeling me up, to kiss me dead
But you seem to be,
Taking care of me,
Fangs sink! in my lip!*

Crimson zealous
Black jealous?
Mourners malicious to me

Crimson try to kiss
Kiss when I die?
I must fly away I say

She say I must
Die today
Shadows stop gleaming rays

She is malign
But she lost another
Or does she only gain?

*gonna give me one last kiss,
Black widow
Miss me when I'm gone,
Black widow
Feeling me up, to kiss me dead
But you seem to be,
Taking care of me,
Fangs sink! in my lip!*

(Scream)Black widow
(Scream)Black widow
Green spit come close
I feel fowl breath
Melt my face
But felt so good
Lip lock we
Both go
blemonese of the Bass Militia, PM Nutter_101 to join
Quote by camhussynec
Its like getting anal for the first time. It hurts like hell but eventully ull get used to it and itll feel fine

Thanks for nothing
Last edited by matosh.lee at Feb 15, 2008,
#2
Quote by matosh.lee
Flying swiftly
Eyes are scanning
I find the shiny pure white thread
It's not the strongest opening and I know I sound stupid but what is "white thread?"

Its memorizing
Cave of web
Taking in souls in there sleep
The first line doesn't flow into the next, just use a simple word like "this" or an "a" in between "it's" and I think you meant, "mesmorizing" (can't spell it) or something otherwise it doesn't make sense.

I don't see
Empty corpses
Lying in the bed of web
The last line seems a bit forced, I think the rhyming of "bed" and "web" does it for me.

Oh I see
Crimson figure
Body hourglass to die for.
Again the first and second line need a word or two to connect them, and with the third.

*gonna give me one last kiss,
Black widow
Miss me when I'm gone,
Black widow
Feeling up, to kiss dead
But you seem like,
Taking care of me,
Fangs sink! in my lip!*
"feeling up" sounds wrong, and takes away the meaning. The sixth and seventh lines need something to connect them.

Dressed crimson
I feel tension
Released with punctured flesh
Good, powerful, should it be "dressed in crimson" instead of "dressed crimson" though?

The crimson have
Many a friend
Black in mourning what lost?
My only problem here is "what lost" it doesn't make sense.

I happen to last
Longer than he
We see she be the hypocrite
Last line is worded strangely.

I forget in
Pleasant kiss
Pain subsides till she dies
Again, you need a link from the first to the second line.

*gonna give me one last kiss,
Black widow
Miss me when I'm gone,
Black widow
Feeling up, to kiss dead
But you seem like,
Taking care of me,
Fangs sink! in my lip!*

Looking sexy
Bodies moving
We all fall down to the floor.
Woah, that just killed it for me. Now I know what you're trying to say but "looking sexy" really disgraces your work. I've really liked this piece but that, wow. I think it would be better if you used something with more um, intelligence, more meaning. The rest is fine.

Friends entangling
Around us kissing
I am bleeding happyness
Perfect, watch your spelling though.

Rub against me
Spread your fleas
You breed pesticides in your kiss
Another great stanza/verse.

Make me sin
With gleeful grin
****ing, screaming, well I then am dirty
A "a" should go after the "with" on the second line. Strange wording in the last part of the third line.

*gonna give me one last kiss,
Black widow
Miss me when I'm gone,
Black widow
Feeling up, to kiss dead
But you seem like,
Taking care of me,
Fangs sink! in my lip!*

Crimson zealous
Black jealous?
Mourners malicious to me
Good.

Crimson try to kiss
Kiss when I die?
I must fly away I say
Not as good as the rest, losing impact.

She say I must
Die today
Shadow stop gleaming rays
Shouldn't it be "says" instead of "say?" and "shadows" instead of "shadow?"

She be mean
She lose another
Or does she only gain?
Strange wording in first two lines.

*gonna give me one last kiss,
Black widow
Miss me when I'm gone,
Black widow
Feeling up, to kiss dead
But you seem like,
Taking care of me,
Fangs sink! in my lip!*

(Scream)Black widow
(Scream)Black widow
Green spit come close
I feel fowl breath
Melt my face
But felt so good
Lip lock we
Both goWatch how you word things.


Pretty good. I feel like there's too much going on, well has so many other meanings it's like there's so many different things that you are talking about and then you end up ending with one of them. It just confused me. I think punctuation would really help this piece. Watch the way you word things, it kind of comes across as "old-fashioned." I don't know if you meant to link up your lines but it would make this piece sound alot better. Watch your spelling as well.

Hope it helped.
#3
Quote by bassgirl121
Pretty good. I feel like there's too much going on, well has so many other meanings it's like there's so many different things that you are talking about and then you end up ending with one of them. It just confused me. I think punctuation would really help this piece. Watch the way you word things, it kind of comes across as "old-fashioned." I don't know if you meant to link up your lines but it would make this piece sound alot better. Watch your spelling as well.

Hope it helped.



thanks. and some of this stuff was corrected on my phone but i didnt go back and fix. but the white thread is the web a spider makes. and what do you mean by connecting the lines? also it is meant to sound old fashion and talk in fragments.
blemonese of the Bass Militia, PM Nutter_101 to join
Quote by camhussynec
Its like getting anal for the first time. It hurts like hell but eventully ull get used to it and itll feel fine

Thanks for nothing
#4
Oh okay. By connecting the lines I meant like, um here's an example

I forget in
Pleasant kiss
Pain subsides, till she dies

You need an "a" in there to connect the first line to the second. I don't know if I explained that well but are you seeing what I mean?