#1
-the title is just kind of made up on the spot-


her heart pounds inside my head
as i lie awake, alone in bed
an overlwhelming urge to cry
a consequence of God's design
and have you felt the passing phase
of love and loss,
nights and days?

fear is seeded, planted deep
crippling the core of me
we won't all end up in the sky
a consequence of God's design
and have you fought the inner war
between what you receive
and your longing for?

you inhale everything you blow
say yes to everything but no
an unrelenting urge to try
an answer to your asking why
#4
I agree with N.O.T.H. really good feeling. It feels like you managed to say a lot in such a small space. It's actually really clever.
Quote by yellowfrizbee
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#5
Quote by crossroads07
-the title is just kind of made up on the spot-


her heart pounds inside my head
as i lie awake, alone in bed
an overwhelming urge to cry
a consequence of God's design
and have you felt the passing phase
of love and loss,
nights and days?

I really like this stanza, to me 'a consequence of God's design' makes it. And the last two lines are short but not in a sense that destroys all flow so it works out nicely. in the third line i'd put 'my over....' but thats nitpicking, but its good on its own.

fear is seeded, planted deep
crippling the core of me
we won't all end up in the sky
a consequence of God's design
and have you fought the inner war
between what you receive
and your longing for?

I'd say remove 'and' in the 5th line, cuz IMO i think its not necessary and the rhyme between line 5 and 7 seem forced but not horribly so it works out even if you didnt intend for it. It happens to me, I'll write something and it sounds forced when I didnt force it.

you inhale everything you blow
say yes to everything but no
an unrelenting urge to try
an answer to your asking why

Really like it, especially line 2 sounds almost like it could be a breakdown.


Nice song, I can't see much wrong with it. A little work to fine tune it, and possibly lengthen it because it's too short, unless it would be repeated over and over, be a short song, or even have a long part with no vocals and just music.

if you want to crit one of my its in my sig under "Shadows in a dark room"
#6
Quote by crossroads07
-the title is just kind of made up on the spot-


her heart pounds inside my head
as i lie awake, alone in bed
an overlwhelming urge to cry
a consequence of God's design
and have you felt the passing phase
of love and loss,
nights and days?
Good, original opening, first line especially

fear is seeded, planted deep
crippling the core of me
we won't all end up in the sky
a consequence of God's design
and have you fought the inner war
between what you receive
and your longing for?
great flow, the title part is really good

you inhale everything you blow
say yes to everything but no
an unrelenting urge to try
an answer to your asking why
again, great


Great flow throughout, i really liked this.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#8
i can see a long intro better... ever heard The Drapery Falls by Opeth? something like that intro would fit the song
Quote by SGmaniac1021
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