#1
There was guy I know lets call him Barry
Found the girl he wanted to marry
All went wrong and now he’s bitter
Found another bloke she thought was fitter

Ahh hes going crazy trashing everything round his house
Old bloke used to be quite as a mouse
Gave up all thought and control started damaging his health
But got fed up and hung himself

Sweet and innocent little Claire we have now
Drugs and drink were here influence and now she’s in with wrong crowd
Happiness was innocence but now it’s all gone from control
Now she’s fading away her life into this black hole

Now she’s going mental wanting a way out
But poor innocent Claire can’t escape the crowd
All her love just turns to the bed
There once was happiness but now she hurts herself instead

Now we come to the bloke called mark
No drink or drugs or broken hearts
All his frustration came from greed
Having it all but not enough is the hardest habit to feed

Now he’s stealing jealous of those who have what they earned
No friends or family so never was warned
Broke into a house and got caught out
Now he has nothing but a cell and a boyfriend to brag about….. F uck
Last edited by FallOutBoy07 at Feb 6, 2008,
#2
please stop writing.
pleeeeeeaaase....
i'd critique it
but i honestly think it would take 3 hours out of my life
im sorry man i know i;m being a dick
but it's so dumb.
it's doesnt flow you just try to makes things rhyme.
like you came on a paper and it formed words.
uuuggghhhh....

EDIT: actually, no matter how much i don't like it, i gotta admit. the last to lines a funny.
Last edited by **KwoN** at Feb 6, 2008,
#3
Usually I would think this **** is stupid and corny but I think this would make a pretty good acoustic funk jam if done right. Just needs a bit of fine tuning.

And I think you want 'quiet' instead of 'quite'. And 'they earned'. I don't really think 'out' is necessary after caught. It sounds weird. But if it's worth it to make the end rhyme then maybe you should keep it I guess. Or maybe "Broke into a house and got caught with some ladies sour kraut".
#4
Quote by pandafriedrice
Usually I would think this **** is stupid and corny but I think this would make a pretty good acoustic funk jam if done right. Just needs a bit of fine tuning.

And I think you want 'quiet' instead of 'quite'. And 'they earned'. I don't really think 'out' is necessary after caught. It sounds weird. But if it's worth it to make the end rhyme then maybe you should keep it I guess. Or maybe "Broke into a house and got caught with some ladies sour kraut".

its just suppose to be fun and random... music aint about messages and aint all about emotions... it can be about fun and randomness.. thats all that is... i did picture it being a funky sons.. high bass kinda...
#5
Quote by FallOutBoy07
its just suppose to be fun and random... music aint about messages and aint all about emotions... it can be about fun and randomness.. thats all that is... i did picture it being a funky sons.. high bass kinda...


That's what I'm saying.
#6
Quote by **KwoN**

it's like you came on a paper and it formed words.




Try and be constructive man.

Anyway, although you admit that this is more of a lighthearted text, the rhyming is so forced at times that it becomes a little irritating. Not the most creative of lyrics, but I suppose it could work as a song.
#7
Quote by skagitup


Try and be constructive man.

Anyway, although you admit that this is more of a lighthearted text, the rhyming is so forced at times that it becomes a little irritating. Not the most creative of lyrics, but I suppose it could work as a song.

its wierd i know... i play guita and bass too though.. so i struggle as in my head i know how it would go so the rhyming aint as in your face... but obviously you can see it...lol... we will all see it in different ways...lol
#8
Quote by skagitup


Try and be constructive man.

Anyway, although you admit that this is more of a lighthearted text, the rhyming is so forced at times that it becomes a little irritating. Not the most creative of lyrics, but I suppose it could work as a song.



EXACTLY!
that's exactly the only reason i dont like the song
cause it's everywhere not just in little parts where you wanted a rhyme
however the whole silly song thing, that's good you know? im glad there's still people that do that.
the rhyming is all i don't like
ugghhh
too much forced rhyme