#1
Mysteria

Infinity.
Lonely oceans verge eternity.
Mystery, you revolt inside a melody.
Last edited by AmplifySilence at Feb 15, 2008,
#2
It's very short but sweet, it's mystery by the way. I don't have much to say about this, there's very little there but what is there is very good, but look into expanding it a little.
#3
I thought the last line was absolutely spectacular (without the typo, ofc). I didn't really like the 'infinity'. It left quite a bit to the imagination, maybe even too much. This is really short, so I can't really 'crit' a lot on it.
Another thing that bothered me though, was the title. The piece itself is so sweet, so pretty and the title is just.. there, you know? It didn't fit with the piece at all, and with the piece being so short, I think a good title is really important here.

Now, I might be asking a lot here, but could you have a look at mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=786374
#5
Yes! of course it's MYstery! what's wrong with me?!

And thanks the 3 of u.
phantom1 - i'll go take a look
#6
It's really difficult to comment on a piece as short as this. All I can really say is that I loved it. The last line, as has been said before me, was spectacular.

I agree with phantom about the title as well.

Sorry that I haven't had anything to offer. Shoot me a PM when you have your next piece up and I'll offer a free crit.
#7
Thnx man

Ok. the title needs to change. any suggestions? i dont want possible titles. I want ideas. Should it be taken from the actual poem, or should it be something completely different. Should it be long or short? simple? vague? any help will be greatly appreciated.
#9
Absolutely beautiful. As for the title, it depends what inspired you to write it, or what you wrote it about.
#13
huh? see what changing the world? the poem? no, i wasnt trying to. the title? well, thats ok, all it changes is a title. that was the intention. no, you dont sound cynical at all, i'm just not sure why you saw it necessary to post "i dont mean to sound too cynical but i dont see it changing the world.... sorry...", and not even explain what the hell you're talking about.
Last edited by AmplifySilence at Feb 15, 2008,
#14
Quote by AmplifySilence
huh? see what changing the world? the poem? no, i wasnt trying to. the title? well, thats ok, all it changes is a title. that was the intention. no, you dont sound cynical at all, i'm just not sure why you saw it necessary to post "i dont mean to sound too cynical but i dont see it changing the world.... sorry...", and not even explain what the hell you're talking about.


well if its personal it can mean something to you. but it seems like just a few words thrown together to me. im not trying to put donw your thoughts. just trying to say that its more like something you write in a diary and dont post on the internet. but whatever floats your boat i guess.
#16
Quote by AmplifySilence
Yes! of course it's MYstery! what's wrong with me?!

And thanks the 3 of u.
phantom1 - i'll go take a look


Did you ever? Give it a bump, if possible. Thanks.

EDIT: This whole discussion about 'changing the world' is utter crap. Of course this won't change the world; no poet will be able to change the world nowadays, the importance of poetry in modern culture is negligible.
Also, whosamerica, leaving a comment like that is totally unnecessary. It was a good piece, why shouldn't he show it to people on the internet? If you keep everything in your diary you will never become a better writer.
Last edited by phantom1 at Feb 16, 2008,