#1
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Kneel alone amidst the fragments,
Remnants of a fantasy.
Lingering ghost of some caress
Within half-sheltering obsession,
Hours shrivel up in atrophy.

Skies once made of boundless color
Overcast with shades of grey.
Golden sunshine disappearing,
Tidal waves of numbness searing
into veins that don't feel anyway.

Lonely soundless utterances
Echo in this caverened room
Love maligned, decaying, rotten,
Dead and gone, but not forgotten,
Lying in its notebook-paper tomb.

Streetlights flicker, spent and ailing,
Flash her silhouette on stage.
Never fading, now or ever,
Calls the name I still remember
Scrawled upon a tattered yearbook page.

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There are a few lines I'm not happy with thus far...
#2
Quote by flame843
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Kneel alone amidst the fragments,
Remnants of a fantasy.
Lingering ghost of some caress
Within half-sheltering obsession,
Hours shrivel up in atrophy.
i dont know about the flow here, but nice start

Skies once made of boundless color
Overcast with shades of grey.
Golden sunshine disappearing,
Tidal waves of numbness searing
into veins that don't feel anyway.
the idea of blue/grey skies is a bit overused, but i really liked the last two lines

Lonely soundless utterances
Echo in this caverened room
Love maligned, decaying, rotten,
Dead and gone, but not forgotten,
Lying in its notebook-paper tomb.
maybe it would make more sense (at least to me) if lonely was in the middle of the first line instead of the front?i very much like the last line.

Streetlights flicker, spent and ailing,
Flash her silhouette on stage.
Never fading, now or ever,
Calls the name I still remember
Scrawled upon a tattered yearbook page.
no complaints on this verse, very nice
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There are a few lines I'm not happy with thus far...

Overall good job, i liked it.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.