#1

He’s a cowboy for tonight so he
strides into the bar,
orders two double whiskys –
sinks ‘em.
Grins like a loon and it’s his
one last big night out, it’s the
feeling he gets when he knows the ending,
and no one else does.
He’s got his stallion outside
his check shirt and his ol’ faithful and
he draws,
puts the metal to his temple –
doesn’t die.
Suddenly his knowledge is gone and
his gun is too rusty
to do anything but click,
his shirt is faded and torn.
No one really recognised him as a cowboy anyway.
His stallion is an old mercedes,
battered and tired looking,
dusty with age.
He climbs in and drives home,
hangs up his hat.
Turns on the gas of his dirty stove
to heat up some beans in a tin,
and waits to die as all old men do –
cold and alone
with no amateur dramatics.




love is a dog from hell.



#2
Interesting little story, gets a little dull in places though.

A couple of nice lines in there, such as "puts the metal to his temple", it's nothing extraordinary, that's for sure, but it's different, held my attention.

Refreshing i guess.
#4
He’s a cowboy for tonight so he
strides into the bar,
Hmm I wasn't sure of the wording here. I'd have said Cowboy for the night....and into a bar... I guess with the latter here it is up to you, but the first read awkwardly for me, its just 'the bar' implies we already know about it.
orders two double whiskys –
sinks ‘em.
Grins like a loon and it’s his
Again here, weird structure. Why not say ...sink 'em and grins like a loon. Then begin the ext sentence with It's his one.... - To me it'll read a little smoother, but this isn't my piece.
one last big night out, it’s the
feeling he gets when he knows the ending,
and no one else does.
He’s got his stallion outside
his check shirt and his ol’ faithful and
he draws,
Didn't like the 'and' stuck on the end of that line. I'd have it on a new line for that bit more impact. It is a different part of the story to the list, so make it read so...
puts the metal to his temple –
doesn’t die.
Suddenly his knowledge is gone and
his gun is too rusty
to do anything but click,
his shirt is faded and torn.
This line sounds like one too many, like you had to get the info in somewhere so put it here. I'd try and find a new home for it elsewhere in the piece because anything but click is a far stronger end to the sentence.
No one really recognised him as a cowboy anyway.
This seems to appear a bit prematurely for me, and by the way the story is going it is quite an obvious assumption to make, so do you really need it?
His stallion is an old mercedes,
battered and tired looking,
dusty with age.
He climbs in and drives home,
hangs up his hat.
Turns on the gas of his dirty stove
to heat up some beans in a tin,
and waits to die as all old men do –
cold and alone
with no amateur dramatics.
Really felt like the 'cold and alone' was a line too far, it would be far more striking without it, imo. Despite my picking, I really liked the idea for this piece, doesn't feel as polished as your work normally does, hence my crit this time around. I also have to add a disclaimer of sorts, my crits is focusing on what I felt was better, so feel free to ignore everything.

peACE
Steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.