#1
ok, so this is my first real attempt at writing so take it easy on me


goodbye blue eyes
goodbye blue eyes goodbye
goodbye blue eyes
goodbye blue eyes goodbye

your life begins to fade with age
along with everything you made
no more golden glow around your face
you made this world a pretty place

goodbye blue eyes
goodbye blue eyes goodbye
goodbye blue eyes
goodbye blue eyes goodbye

like tattered shoes they're hanging loose
each game you play you always lose
look around to find your only friends
you'll see they're gone is this the end

goodbye blue eyes
goodbye blue eyes goodbye
goodbye blue eyes
goodbye blue eyes goodbye

did you think you were the only one
did you think you were my only love
now all i do is think of you
just look at what you put me through

goodbye blue eyes
goodbye blue eyes goodbye
goodbye blue eyes
goodbye blue eyes goodbye
Last edited by Black_Friday at Feb 7, 2008,
#2
I think it is to global, I can't figure what this song is about. And the line "you'll see their all gone and this is end" shouldn't that be 'the end'? Maybe remove like: "you'll see their all gone, this is the end"
#4
Quote by Black_Friday

8-8-9-8
your life begins to fade with age
along with everything you made
no more golden glow around your face
you made this world a pretty place

Sounds good to me: a good flow and good rhymes. The numbers above each stanza are the number of syllables per line BTW - more on that later .

7-9-10-9
tattered shoes their hanging loose
every game you play you always lose
look around try to find your only friend
you'll see their all gonem this is the end

I struggled a bit with the rhyme on shoes/loose/lose. The numbers above don't match the first stanza, i.e. the flow is different, and this doesn't flow nearly as well for me. I'd really look at matching the syllable count, if only on the 3rd line, for example:

like tattered shoes their they're hanging loose (8)
every each game you play you always lose (8)
look around try to find your only friends (9) (even "only" seems like one word to many in here)
you'll see their they're all gone; this is is this the end? (8)

Sorry I couldn't resist changing the "this is" to "is this" either


9-9-8-8
did you think you were the only one?
did you think you were my only love?
now all i do is think of you
just look at what you put me through

Back on the syllable count and it flows much better. The you/through rhyme sounds a bit cliched, but it works.


I omitted the chorus bit as I have nothing bad to say about it - it seems perfectly reasonable, just not to my personal taste.

So it's just the flow that I'd revise in the second verse. The way you've written in genral seems OK. I would agree with sebastianv89 though that I can't really see what the underlying thing you're trying to say is.

Feel free to have a look at Unspoken Tides and LMK what you think.
Last edited by osbourd2 at Feb 7, 2008,
#5
hah yea it is a nod to goodbye blue sky. thx for the help, like i said its my first real time writing, but my bands finally trying to come up with original stuff to play so i'm at least trying.