#1
Inspired by a book I read once. Not sure how I feel about it... but it is what it is. C4C. Some people still owe me ~_^


Half-formed schematics define
the office of this Communist
gone soft.
Alcohol once held his chin high,
now it drags him by the lip.
Red answers once held his attention,
blueprints for failure are the
only things left in trembling hands.

Mental pen to work;
rope in hand.

Stool.
Feet.
Legs.
Body.
Cable.
Head.
Cable.
Ceiling.

He always loved swing dancing;
what a fitting way to finish his last
blueprint.
Last edited by ZanasCross at Feb 17, 2008,
#2
WOW! First in for once!


Half-formed schematics define
the office of this anarchist
gone soft.
Long winded wording here, I mean there is nothing strictly wrong with it, but the line breaks and the continuous sentence just make it a harsh opening. Beginning it with half-formed seems like such an untechnical word to use for a professional, you know, it doesn't say much for the character or the writer especially when couple with schematics which is perfect.
Alcohol once held his chin high,
now it drags him by the lip.
Red answers once held his attention,
I don't get the Red answers I mean I see its purpose as a juxtaposition to blue, but y'know what does it mean? Unless you're referring to a teacher marking a students work. If not then why is it there?
blueprints for failure are the
only thing left in his shaking hands.
blueprints...are the only thing left shouldn't it be things. I liked this line painted a nice image for me.

"Where did it all go?
Fifty-years.
Fifty... years."

Pretty standard lines if I am honest, I half expected them too. I think the quotes spoil it too. I know he's saying it to himself, but I'd picture this being said by two (or one) new talent about the old dog seeing his last day....

Pen in hand,
pen to paper,
black to blue.
Just one design left...
one more drawing to make.

I wasn't really a fan of this part, kinda felt like a montage of all that's gone before, like an update on what has happened already. i.e. it is redundant.

Stool.
Feet.
Legs.
Body.
Cable.
Head.
Cable.
Ceiling.

Beautiful. Really, really loved this.

They won't remember him being soft,
only the way he danced when he completed
his last blueprint.

I don't think you need to say what you do in the first line, if the reader didn't get it from the above stanza then they don't deserve to have it spelled out to them. Just say We all saw how he danced....

I found while reading this that a lot of it is spelled out to the reader to such a degree, nothing is left to the imagination. It's a good little idea you have here, but there's not a lot to say about it. You didn't feature his past much, no family, not even the colour of his tie, (say brown) which would have been a weird little snippet of info, pointless yes, but also mundane; a perfect way to display is life.

I think you see what I am getting at here.


peACE
Steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Feb 6, 2008,
#3
I thought this was excellent in parts.

Awful in others. Actually, I think I would have praised you a whole lot if it wasn't for that hangman part. I know you tried to do it in an original way, props for that, but the thing has been overdone, especially the drawing, etc. Also, it was kind of bland. On second thought, this can seem like a bad reason to dislike it, but I just think you didn't pull it off well enough.

The ending was alright, nothing outstanding. Very very strong first stanza though.

Goob job.


Edit : lol steve if I haven't been playing poker again I would have been done with it before you When I started writing i was the first oneeeeeee
#4
Thanks Steve. The red actually couples with anarchist to show the guy was a communist (at least in my head). The montage thing was actually describing the thing he was drawing... and I suppose I can put more in about the guy... maybe build the scene up. I'll get to it later.

Gracias senor.

Edit: Thanks Mat. Honestly, I know the hangman has been over done... but (I can't remember what the book was called, I just had a flashback to reading it in 6th-ish grade) in the book an old commie war engineer hangs himself in his office... and I wanted to capture that scene... because in the book all it say is that he was dangling... but I wanted more from it. Sorry about the bland idea. ~_^
Last edited by ZanasCross at Feb 6, 2008,
#5
Quote by ZanasCross
Thanks Steve. The red actually couples with anarchist to show the guy was a communist (at least in my head). The montage thing was actually describing the thing he was drawing... and I suppose I can put more in about the guy... maybe build the scene up. I'll get to it later.


Bold - That's something to convey with more clarity. Perhaps mention what he is designing to be related to a famous Russian building...

Italic - I kinda got that, but didn't get any further info on what he was drawing.

Anyway np, now I owe one less.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#6
i'm in a foul mood at the moment, and would do a terrible job trying to crit this. i'll edit it in later.

but for now, here's a bump just for you.


ray


remind me if i forget...

irememberededit:


Half-formed schematics define
the office of this anarchist
gone soft.
Alcohol once held his chin high,
now it drags him by the lip.
Red answers once held his attention,
i don't really like the repetition of 'once held' in these lines. especially without the same kind of symmetry in the following lines. it seems kind of lazy, rather than intentional.
blueprints for failure are the
only things left in his shaking hands.

Pen in hand,
pen to paper,
black to blue.
Just one design left...
one more drawing to make.
again, i didn't like the repetition of pen in the first two lines. maybe if you ended the first line with pen instead? i don't know if that would actually work... or be any better. you know what, just disregard that last statement, please and thank you. back to the writing... this whole stanza felt a bit lackluster to me. i think thats mainly because of the last line. its so... unremarkable.

Stool.
Feet.
Legs.
Body.
Cable.
Head.
Cable.
Ceiling.
love this. yea.

They'll always remember the way he
danced when he completed his last blueprint.
i like this ending, but i think i would like it more if you put 'his last blueprint' in its own line. just an idea.


there ya go. nothing special. (the crit, not the piece... i really like the piece. which is why the crit is nothing special) oh well, i tried.

let's say instead of 50,000 its 49,999.4. work for you?
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
Last edited by hope's downfall at Feb 8, 2008,
#10
Half-formed schematics define
the office of this anarchist
gone soft.
Alcohol once held his chin high,
now it drags him by the lip.
Red answers once held his attention,
blueprints for failure are the
only things left in his shaking hands.

A really good stanza here the play on words and layout was good. Just walk on the flow a bit, it would have been awesome if you'd added some internal rhymes in as well. Also i liked the way you used enjambments.

Pen in hand,
pen to paper,
black to blue.
Just one design left...
one more drawing to make.

Obviously, i see what you're trying to do but it was very vaguely done my friend. It would have worked better if you had a standard form stanza before or after it, but still connected. But then again i did love the way you said 'shaking hands... pen in hand', i thought that was great. Hmm... i guess maybe you should just elaborate on this a little more. But still this was great.

Stool.
Feet.
Legs.
Body.
Cable.
Head.
Cable.
Ceiling.

This was great. Well Done


They'll always remember the way he
danced when he completed
his last blueprint.


This was ok. I didn't really enjoy this so i think this is definitely what you should work on if you're looking for improvements, it sorta ruins the piece and that's something you should avoid seeming as a whole you have an excellent piece and you want the last stanza to have an impact so... yea you should work on this bit.



Well Done.

PS: Now you owe me one ~_^ (I recommend 'You gave me an idea')
Last edited by Bleed Away at Feb 9, 2008,
#11
I'm sorry to say that I don't have much to add other than I liked it.
#12
Quote by ZanasCross
Inspired by a book I read once. Not sure how I feel about it... but it is what it is. C4C. Some people still owe me ~_^


Half-formed schematics define
the office of this anarchist
gone soft.
Alcohol once held his chin high,
now it drags him by the lip.
Red answers once held his attention,
blueprints for failure are the
only things left in his shaking hands.

I didn't really like this. The first three lines are good, they set the scene of this anarchist and the 'half-formed' link with the 'gone soft', so that's all good. The alcohol line bugged the hell out of me though; I didn't like it, but I can't really put my finger on it. I guess I thought it was too descriptive, too much telling and not enough showing, you know? I didn't like the repetition of 'held' either. 'grabbed' maybe? I like how the blueprints link back to the schematics in the first line. the last line was a bit weak, especially the 'shaking hands'.

Pen in hand,
pen to paper,
black to blue.
Just one design left...
one more drawing to make.

Meh. This was way too simple, and pretty weak. Especially the 'just one design left..' made it almost childish. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I just didn't like this. I think you can keep this idea and rewrite this stanza; maybe in another style, with more descriptions and images or something.

Stool.
Feet.
Legs.
Body.
Cable.
Head.
Cable.
Ceiling.
I liked this. It took me a while to get it and although it is cliché, I liked the whole 'hangman-layout', if that makes sense.

They'll always remember the way he
danced when he completed
his last blueprint.
This was pretty weak again. It feels like you wanted to end on a happy note with the dancing, but it just didn't work. I also don't get how you say in the first stanza that he's 'gone soft' (which I interpret as stopped being an anarchist) but still he keeps making blueprints and stuff. It might be just me, but it feels like a major flaw in the piece.


#13
aright Ill try and help at least a little bit here on this one. seeing as how you help on every thing i ever put up.
Quote by ZanasCross
Inspired by a book I read once. Not sure how I feel about it... but it is what it is. C4C. Some people still owe me ~_^


Half-formed schematics define
the office of this anarchist
gone soft.
Alcohol once held his chin high,
now it drags him by the lip.
Red answers once held his attention,
blueprints for failure are the
only things left in his shaking hands.
(This is great, I love the intro lines and the alcohol and lips lines were ace. But I dont like the transition between "Red answers once held his attention," and "blueprints for failure...." because there is none. Maybe even putting "now" in front of blueprints to give the reader an idea of whats going on. Otherwise it jumps from "answers" to "blueprints" without anything connecting them at all. Maybe I just dont like the blueprints line I dont know, but I think I just dont like the way it flows with the rest.)

Pen in hand,
pen to paper,
black to blue.
Just one design left...
one more drawing to make.
(Personally, I think its kind of corny. Especially the last two lines. They give everything away, theres nothing here. The first three lines bored me. Honestly, I think this is the weakest part of the piece. It needs flare, something to jump out at me, and right now the only thing doing that is the corniness of the last couple of lines.)

Stool.
Feet.
Legs.
Body.
Cable.
Head.
Cable.
Ceiling.
(Very Nice *gives thumbs up*)

They'll always remember the way he
danced when he completed
his last blueprint.
(Im just getting sick of the word "blueprint" its such an ugly word to build a piece around. But thats probably just me. Other than that tiny little complaint, this is a great ending. Ties everything together well.)


Overall, this was decent. It didnt floor me or anything, I feel like it needs something more, but I dont know what it is. Its like what the piece is trying to say is at the tip of its tongue but its just not quite coming out right. I dont know. Anyways thanks for all the crits on all my pieces, I really appreciate it. And sorry I couldnt help out more.
#15
I've read this a few times. I think my impression would be, there's some strong ideas that need to be built on in order to have a strong piece as a whole. Could be more memorable. Onto the task.

Half-formed schematics define
I dislike 'schematics'. Seems too, uhm, technical to be considered poetic, I guess. I can never get my head around how to describe how I feel about your pieces. There's a certain vocab style you use, I think. Idk.
the office of this anarchist
I would never use the word 'anarchist'. It conjures up cliche images in my head. You can probably find a synonym which would add something different and more interesting to the line.
gone soft.
Alcohol once held his chin high,
now it drags him by the lip.
I like this. Immediately adds something to the piece after perhaps a slow start. You could consider "it now drags him by the lip". Minor change. Idk which you'd prefer.
Red answers once held his attention,
blueprints for failure are the
only things left in his shaking hands.
'Red answers' adds, for me, some mystery (lack of a better word). Maybe I'm missing something. I like the following two lines.

Pen in hand,
pen to paper,
black to blue.
Just one design left...
one more drawing to make.
I would consider either removing the first two lines, or the following three. It definitely feels like you're telling too much here. Doesn't seem nesseccary. And simulataneously takes away what could have been a more powerful image because I'm left thinking "Ok, yes, you've mentioned the pen". Something along those lines. Anyway, really would consider revising this.

Stool.
Feet.
Legs.
Body.
Cable.
Head.
Cable.
Ceiling.
Powerful. I wouldn't change a thing.

They'll always remember the way he
danced when he completed
his last blueprint.
Hmm, bit of a disappointing ending. I hoped for something more. The whole piece now feels a bit, empty. As if it should be added to. The reader should be given something more, it seems. Maybe a lot more. The penultimate stanza set up for a wonderful ending, but I'm left wanting more story on the character. And who are 'they'? I know it's a commonly used expression, but I definitely think you could expand on the story here.

Thanks for the comments on my poem. I have a new one submitted if you're interested.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=789731

I think there's another one of yours that I haven't commented on yet. I'll get to it in the next couple of days.
#17
Quote by ZanasCross
Inspired by a book I read once. Not sure how I feel about it... but it is what it is. C4C. Some people still owe me ~_^


Half-formed schematics define
the office of this Communist
gone soft.
Alcohol once held his chin high,
now it drags him by the lip.
Red answers once held his attention,
blueprints for failure are the
only things left in trembling hands.
the lack of a pronoun of some sort bothered me in a the last line. but i only said that because i couldn't find anything else to nitpick at here. I think it's great as is.
Mental pen to work;
rope in hand.
I would like them as two individual sentences, so like a period at the end of work instead of a semi-colon. see above for reasoning, haha
Stool.
Feet.
Legs.
Body.
Cable.
Head.
Cable.
Ceiling.
I'm a sucker for this type of phrasing. and you're very good at it.
He always loved swing dancing;
what a fitting way to finish his last
blueprint.
brilliant. you nailed it.




the ending of this was fantastic. very good read. very unhelpful crit, but there you go.

have a lovely evening.

Gear:
Partscaster/Tele into a bunch of pedals, a Maz 18 head, and a Z Best cab.