#1
just looking for opinions, still working on this. Dont think this is against the rules, but tell me if it is.

after you've left the comfort of youth
will your words still speak the truth
will you be revered as a prophet
or a martyr who had a cause and lost it

never understood the female slang
the wrong pitch for denials ears
guess all i could do was uneasily hang
onto a broken wing and an agnostic prayer

I'm in an unbridled state, in a subconscious way
I'm in an unbridled state, in a subconscious way
maybe I didn't hold your hand,
but at least I gave a damn

seems like my souls out of style
as i remember the supermarket aisle
where you gave your courage, and information
and waited a full half day for the phones vibration

the taste of your smoke and lip gloss
was an intoxicating loss
but its all gone now,
and I'm left wondering why and how

I'm in an unbridled state, in a subconscious way
I'm in an unbridled state, in a subconscious way
maybe I didn't hold your hand,
but at least I gave a damn

after theres nothing else to put on hold
but only bitter somethings to be told
no more missed calls on my phone,
the suns gonna have to rise on its own


I'm in an unbridled state, in a subconscious way
I'm in an unbridled state, in a subconscious way
maybe I didn't hold your hand,
but at least I gave a damn, a damn, a damn, a damn, a damn, a damn, a damn, a damn
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
Last edited by 12epi345 at Feb 7, 2008,
#2
Quote by 12epi345
just looking for opinions, still working on this. Dont think this is against the rules, but tell me if it is.

after you've coughed up years old debts
earned from the drag of a cigarette,
are you sure that you have left
the last of your regrets behind?

Didn't find this a strong start

never understood the female slang
too high pitched for denying ears
guess all i could do was uneasily hang
onto a broken wing and an agnostic prayer

I liked this. Starts to give the song feeling

I'm in an unbridled state, in a subconscious way
I'm in an unbridled state, in a subconscious way
maybe I didn't hold your hand,
but at least I gave a damn

This is a great verse. I like it=P Don't Change it

i feel like my souls out of style
as i remember the supermarket aisle
where you gave your courage, and information
and waited a full half day for the phones vibration

Nice way to show the beginning of a new friendship

the taste of your smoke and lip gloss
was an intoxicating loss
but its all gone now,
and I'm left wondering why and how

Now the song takes a big twist!

I'm in an unbridled state, in a subconscious way
I'm in an unbridled state, in a subconscious way
maybe I didn't hold your hand,
but at least I gave a damn

Still love it

after theres nothing else to put on hold
but only bitter somethings to be told
no more missed calls on my phone,
the suns gonna have to rise on its own

The Best part of the song right here. Extremely strong and touching


I'm in an unbridled state, in a subconscious way
I'm in an unbridled state, in a subconscious way
maybe I didn't hold your hand,
but at least I gave a damn, a damn, a damn, a damn, a damn, a damn, a damn, a damn

Again, Still love it



Overall, Amazing job! Keep writing like this. I would love to read more of your work.


If u have time... Check the song in my sig
Quote by SGmaniac1021
One time I had this disease that every morning I had to open my eyes. The doctor told me it was just me waking up in the morning.


#3
Heyy it's a really good song.. I agree with the post above that the first verse could be a bit stronger. And for the second verse, I do really like it but maybe you should somewhat chane the first line so the last word rhymes with ears?
Overall I really like it. Good Job.
#4
I agree with the two posts above. i like the meaning behind it. My only criticism would be that it seems like the rhyming is really forced in some areas