#1
I wrote this song because there's this one chick in my college algebra class. I would ask her out but she smokes. I can't stand smokers. I was angry because the girls I always like are the ones that smoke. Why do they always have to smoke?

This is basically my lamentation of the situation. Took 'bout 10 minutes to write. The chorus will eventually be re-written. Hope you enjoy it though....


Title: People Like You


Verse 1:
I sit here in this room.
My only friend eternal gloom,
I grab from the closet a broom
And try to clear the cobwebs of my mind.

Chorus:
I hate people like you! (x3)

Verse 2:
Wanting someone to be kind,
the sun suddenly shined.
"Look at the day!" someone mimed.
I then began to smile.

Chorus:
I hate people like you! (x3)

Verse 3:
If only they'd quit for a while,
'cause doing that ain't my style.
I won't go down THAT aisle.
I hate people like you.

Bridge:
People like you ain't got a clue.
People like you make me blue.
I tell people like you to just "shoo!"


Chorus/Fade-Out:
I hate people like you! (x3)
I hate people like you! (to fade)
People……Like……….You! (last time, sspoken)
#2
I love it! Like you said the chorus does need to be re-written. I really like the similes and metaphors with people miming and grabbing the broom to wisk away cobwebs. write on.
Quote by yellowfrizbee
lmao This thread turns boys into MEN!
#3
Rhymes seem a little forced, but good idea of writing... just needs more work.

-Alex
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
#5
Like I said, it's just a rough draft. But, it's moving in the right direction, correct?

Could you draw the conclusion of what I was trying to say?

I tried to write it in a classic rock style.

I will admit, the rhyming is super-elementary. But, so are some 60's and 70's songs. So, job done, right?

#8
I really like this piece the metaphors really struck me as cool when you said you grabbed for the broom and tried to clear out the cobwebs. Keep on writing this could be turned into something cool.
#9
Quote by neptune1988
I wrote this song because there's this one chick in my college algebra class. I would ask her out but she smokes. I can't stand smokers. I was angry because the girls I always like are the ones that smoke. Why do they always have to smoke?

This is basically my lamentation of the situation. Took 'bout 10 minutes to write. The chorus will eventually be re-written. Hope you enjoy it though....
I won't even go into your personal problem with smoking and smokers, or tell you to just find someone who doesn't smoke, if it bothers you. All I'll say is that it's nice that you indicated your motivation for the song.

But a song needs to stand on it's own without a description of what you're trying to say.
Does this one do that?



Title: People Like You


Verse 1:
I sit here in this room.
My only friend eternal gloom,
Cliche
I grab from the closet a broom
This is silly, but a bit better. The word order is jumbled.
Try starting with From the closet ...
And try to clear the cobwebs of my mind.

Chorus:
I hate people like you! (x3)

Verse 2:
Wanting someone to be kind,
the sun suddenly shined.
This aint workin.
You're just throwing phrases at the page
to rhyme with mind from the last line
of the first verse.
It's an interesting way to link the rhymes,
but you have 2 problems.
The chorus is going to separate the last line of the first verse
from the first line of the next.
The only way to get any effect out of the rhyme would be
to save the chorus for the ending.
The second is the rhymes are bastards.
That would be easily forgiven, if the content and the wording was interesting.
It really isn't.

"Look at the day!" someone mimed.
I then began to smile.

Chorus:
I hate people like you! (x3)

Verse 3:
If only they'd quit for a while,
'cause doing that ain't my style.
This is the first you've mentioned the smoking issue,
but you still haven't said anything about it.
Quit? Quit what?
We have no idea this is about smoking, or what it might possibly be about.
Your audience can't read your mind.

I won't go down THAT aisle.
Down that aisle? What are you doing? Getting married?
I hate people like you.
I guess marriage wasn't it, after all.

Bridge:
People like you ain't got a clue.
People like you make me blue.
I tell people like you to just "shoo!"
meh. more cliched rhymes.
at least there wasn't anything about the moon and June.



Chorus/Fade-Out:
I hate people like you! (x3)
I hate people like you! (to fade)
People……Like……….You! (last time, sspoken)


Took 'bout 10 minutes to write.
It shows.
You might be able to write something worth your time,
if you spend a few days with it.
You might even be able to save some of this.
But as it stands right now, this isn't very good.
I could blow smoke up your ass and tell you that it's good.
But that would be twice as wrong, here.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
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I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#10
Quote by neptune1988
Title: People Like You

Verse 1:
I sit here in this room.
My only friend eternal gloom,
I grab from the closet a broom
And try to clear the cobwebs of my mind.

The flow seems a bit abrupt, but it seems mostly consistent - with the exeption of the last line, but it is a good metaphor (in fact probably the only metaphor). I'd agree with the previous comment about reorgansing the 3rd line

Chorus:
I hate people like you! (x3)

Fair enough, although I can't currently empathise with your anger

Verse 2:
Wanting someone to be kind,
the sun suddenly shined.
"Look at the day!" someone mimed.
I then began to smile.

Until I read the previous crit I hadn't even noticed the last lines of the previous verses were completing the 4 rhymes. Again the flow seems abrupt and the rhymes a bit forced. The 4th line here doesn't match the flow of the 4th line of the first verse.

Chorus:
I hate people like you! (x3)

Verse 3:
If only they'd quit for a while,
'cause doing that ain't my style.
I won't go down THAT aisle.
I hate people like you.

Sorry, but I'd echo my comments for the 2nd verse. I also have to agree, again, that your motivation doesn't really seem present in any of the words you've written. It's not coming over as an underlying theme - your anger is, but not why you're angry. Also the flow in the 4th line matches verse 2, but not verse 1.

Bridge:
People like you ain't got a clue.
People like you make me blue.
I tell people like you to just "shoo!"

This sounds really cheesy, as if you just wanted to finish writing and do something else. The rhymes are just waaaay too forced.

Chorus/Fade-Out:
I hate people like you! (x3)
I hate people like you! (to fade)
People……Like……….You! (last time, sspoken)

A stupid point, but can you fade out and then speak?


I've tried not to be as harsh as SomeoneYouKnew as I know how demoralising it can be to get shot down like that. But he does make some very good points.

You've got some good rhymes there (some not so good ), but the flow just doesn't quite fit and I think that in turn that make the rhymes feel awkward and a bit laboured (excuse my UK spelling). I'd really look at elongating the flow so it's not so abrupt. I don't think it would take much as I think you're only a few syllables short - although probably on every line.

I'd try and write down a number of words that you would associate with smoking and smokers - if you're that angry then they're going to be dark words. I'd then try and work them in to the flow. Do the opposite too, get some words you think of not smoking. I'll chuck a few at you to give you my idea: "asphyxiate", "choke" (rhymes nicely with smoke ). You can see these words can be expanded to other tenses and forms.

That's just my personal opinion - which you can chose to do with as you wish - but if you're gonna rhyme you need the flow behind it.

You've got as much right as anyone else to say what you want and how you feel - so make what you say count

Feel free to take a look at Unspoken Tides and LMK what you think.
Last edited by osbourd2 at Feb 7, 2008,
#11
to everyone bashing me...

as I said before, this is only a rough draft. I just posted to see if it could actually go anyhwere. As of course it can apparently.

Again, ITS A ROUGH DRAFT.

But thanks to everyone who posted (both good and bad)

L8TR.
#12
I know I'm not supposed to bump threads, but I just made some revisions. It was either bump or make new thread, and everyone hates that. so....

I wrote the chorus, re-wrote the bridge, made some rewording and replaced a few phrases.

Below is the "2nd draft", hope you like it better than the first:


Title: People Like You

Verse 1:
I sit here in this chamber
My mind's a mushroom.
I grab from the closet a broom
And try to clear the cobwebs of my mind.

Chorus:
I hate people like you! (x3)
You make me choke on your smoke.
Room's full of the acrid smell,
Its like I'm living in Hell.

Verse 2:
Wanting for someone to be kind,
the sun suddenly shined.
"Look at the day!" someone mimed.
I then began to smile.

Chorus:
I hate people like you! (x3)
You make me choke on your smoke.
Room's full of the acrid smell,
Its like I'm living in Hell.

Verse 3:
If they'd only quit for a while,
'Cause breathing that ain't my style.
I won't go down THAT blackened aisle.
I hate people like you.

SOLO

Bridge:
People like you ain't got a clue.
People like you ain't made for me.
I just want to hit you with my cue.
You make me choke on your smoke.
Room's full of the acrid smell,
Its like I'm living in Hell.


Chorus/Fade-Out:
I hate people like you! (x3)
I hate people like you! (to fade)
People……Like……….You! (last time, spoken)


Feedback Please!!
#13
Wow, what a difference!

The chorus tells me exactly why you're angry, which is what it was lacking. I have to admit I was struggling to think of other smoking related words to suggest, but you've taken that idea further than I could have done - good job. The bridge is much improved too. I'm still not sure on some of the rhymes, but you've made such a difference to it with just one revision.
#14
Quote by ratmblink123
Rhymes seem a little forced, but good idea of writing... just needs more work.

-Alex


I agree with Alex on this one as well, good lyrics though. Although it does seem a bit to obvious what you are trying to get across unless thats what youre aiming for.