#1
One day I saw a girl
She was the sun on a cloudy day
The other day she disappeared
People said she was a bit too skinny

You’re such a lovely girl
Why couldn’t I met you before
I really need ya baby
Oh, when will you come back?

Now you’re gone
And I don’t know where you are
My fire has been put out
And only you can light it

You’re such a lovely girl
Why couldn’t I met you before
I really need ya baby
Oh, when will you come back?

I wanna take you to the moon
And be your guide
Your’re like a witch of love
Who has cast a love spell on me

You’re such a lovely girl
Why couldn’t I met you before
I really need ya baby
Oh, when will you come back?

Oh, baby you stole my heart
Can you please give it back to me
I know you’re a strong woman
I know you’re gonna be cured
Oh please come back, my sweet angel!
#2
"the other day she disappeared"

"people said she's a bit too skinny"

...do you mean that she died of an eating disorder or something? That's a really abrupt way to imply it in the song . Either scrap that last line... or seriously consider not writing this song. Other then that, there's a lot of cliched images, a lot of personal, sentimental stuff that is in a lot of songs. So at best, these are mediocre lyrics to a possibly good contemporary song.
what comes up comes out
#3
Quote by denstille
One day I saw a girl
She was the sun on a cloudy day
The other day she disappeared
People said she was a bit too skinny

My main problem here is the story you're starting to tell. Did nothing happen in between meeting her and her disappearing? I'm just not feeling any depth or attachment to this situation. The second line is good though - a thought provoking line.

You’re such a lovely girl
Why couldn’t I met you before
I really need ya baby
Oh, when will you come back?

No problems with this.

Now you’re gone
And I don’t know where you are
My fire has been put out
And only you can light it

I think the fire thing has been done to death by lots of other people so it's not that original anymore - sorry

I wanna take you to the moon
And be your guide
Your’re like a witch of love
Who has cast a love spell on me

This is much more original and readable, although "witch" always has negative connotations in my mind. The last two lines and the simile within are better than the first two - could you rewrite the second line in a similar way to the fourth line, i.e. why the moon?


Oh, baby you stole my heart
Can you please give it back to me
I know you’re a strong woman
I know you’re gonna be cured
Oh please come back, my sweet angel!

Seems good, but I'm really not associating with the "cured" line. Cured of what?


Like I said after the first verse you've not really said why you want her back. There's lots of "missing you" emotions, but I have little to associate with in the song - why is she being missed? The "witch/spell" simile is good, as is the "sun on a cloudy day" idea, but to my mind, they're the only original ideas in the song.

Just my 2 pence/cents though
#4
I wanna take you to the moon
And be your guide


is it better that I say:

You've taken over my mind
since my eyes have seen you
#5
Quote by denstille
I wanna take you to the moon
And be your guide


is it better that I say:

You've taken over my mind
since my eyes have seen you


I dunno. To me, that stanza only seemed let down by the second line - the moon idea just needed expanding. I don't think you need a complete rewrite like that - which doesn't help you much
#7
Quote by denstille
would it be good for showing to a girl?


Only you can answer that question But if it's out of despearation then I'd say no. If your relationship is fairly stable then singing/showing lyrics can introduce a level of intimacy as she'll probably see a slightly different side to you. I would heavily stress that I've only done the singing thing once and it did work well, but your mileage may vary.....
#10
what about this:

Let’s play prince and princess
You’re the princess locked in a castle
And I’m the prince on the white horse
Who’s going to save you
Cause you make me feel what lovers feel
#11
I didn't read the posts before so sorry if I repeat anything that the others have said.


One day I saw a girl
She was the sun on a cloudy day
The other day she disappeared
People said she was a bit too skinny
The second line is a little cliched and makes me think of 'My Girl' by The Temptations. I don't like how the word 'day' is used twice and how they are only two words separating them.

You’re such a lovely girl
Why couldn’t I met you before
I really need ya baby
Oh, when will you come back?
The second line should be 'Why couldn't I HAVE met you before' or 'Why didn't I meet you before'. This is an alright stanza, otherwise.

Now you’re gone
And I don’t know where you are
My fire has been put out
And only you can light it
Again, the third line is a little cliched but I don't think that the last line is too overused.

You’re such a lovely girl
Why couldn’t I met you before
I really need ya baby
Oh, when will you come back?

I wanna take you to the moon
And be your guide
Your’re like a witch of love
Who has cast a love spell on me
Another stanza, another cliche. The first two lines are pretty good, except the flow isn't that smooth. 'Your're' in the third line should be 'You're' and the last line is extremely overused. The 'witch of love' is kind of a weird idea to me.

You’re such a lovely girl
Why couldn’t I met you before
I really need ya baby
Oh, when will you come back?

Oh, baby you stole my heart
Can you please give it back to me
I know you’re a strong woman
I know you’re gonna be cured
Oh please come back, my sweet angel!
First line is cliched, but I used it too in my song.... I didn't think that this was a very strong ending. Just seemed a little all over the place.


Pretty good, it just had a few too many cliches in it. Although it's getting hard to not be cliche nowadays, eh? I didn't really like how you didn't have a rhyme scheme, but I guess it doesn't really matter as long as it sounds good with music. Good job and I hope this crit helped you and didn't break you down.