#1
Ok this is the first song/poem i ever wrote, i lost it but after ages of looking for it it finally showed up.


Water cascades through the night
Intruder carries through the doors
He wants less but wants no more
Has found his victim in the shadows
She resist until she cant no more
He’s found his treasure and his pleasure
He is now a man in his eyes
She wakes up and finds something missing inside
But it’s there, growing, moaning, pulsating through her body
She wants nothing to do with this disease
After all it’s not hers to please
She goes to society and begs for freedom
They say no that’s not allowed in this kingdom
The pleasure for him now has a treasure within
She cries and cries until 2 people are dead inside.

As you can probably guess its about rape and abortion. This was my jim morrison phase.
#3
I really like this and think it is well written. I think you could make even more of a statement if you changed this line "They say no that’s not allowed in this kingdom" to "They say no that’s not allowed in God's kingdom"
#6
I dunno why I am critting this, you're banned but whatever.

Good lines, awful layout. This had 0 flow. Mostly because each line was a different detail, all of which sounded like a list for a set director. It might sound good and paint a reasonable picture, but in the case of song/poetry it isn't. You need to give more a sense of the piece building to an end rather than what you have.
The flow was also hampered by the near constant use of "he" and "she", for me it isn't strong writing. You need to cut them out for sure. Try fitting some at the end of lines too just to break it up a bit.

I think the lack of character building as an adverse effect too, by the time the last lines come around I have no sympathy for 'her', not because of my views, but because of the fact that you're trying to play on the average human reaction rather than a personal reaction.

I won't push on. I hope you take this as a suggestion on what to apply in the future rather than a put down.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.