#1
I found two sticks in a forest
Then I realised my ambition
I noticed something no one could notice
With friction, these could make fire,

Any other way would be too unnatural.

I created a box, that was simple
I created a symbol or slogan
I sold it as a paperback classic
You consumed it and everyone's happy,

Any other way would be too unnatural

We are two basic people.
When we find out what there could be between us;
A moment or a house with your children
With friction, maybe we could make fire,

Any other way would be too unnatural.
I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour

But heaven knows I'm miserable now

I was looking for a job and then I found a job

But heaven knows I'm miserable now
#2
First of all thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. I enjoyed reading this piece, and I thought the last stanza (we are two basic people, etc.) was quite good. I loved the "with friction, maybe we could make a fire." The only suggestions I can give are just minor language one's. Instead of saying "a symbol or slogan" I would put "a symbol, a slogan." I know I'm just nitpicking there, but there isn't much that needs inmprovement. Nice job.
#3
I liked this actually. I only check out pieces here once in a while and I only comment if what I read is worth commenting on, and this is worth commenting on. It's pretty good... However, I have some problems with this first stanza:

Quote by easter-glow
I found two sticks in a forest
Then I realised my ambition
I noticed something no one could notice
With friction, these could make fire,


1) I don't see how finding sticks could give you any sort of revelation on personal ambition, but maybe I'm not poetic enough? If this was mine (and if it was, I'd like it to be great instead of just good) I'd probably think of some other line to put there instead of what you've put. But as I said, that's only what I would do.

and

2) No one else noticed that rubbing two sticks together could make fire? What about the guy who actually did do that? Is that you? I understand there's probably a deeper meaning to it but I'm pretty sure you can easily find a better phrase to put there instead of "no one else could notice".

Also, I disagree with themarsvolta. I think the line would sound better if it read, "I created a symbol and a slogan," but it might throw off the rhythm... But "or" doesn't seem to follow correct grammar, the way I hear it anyway...

Maybe I'm just too picky.

I like it though. Nice work.
#4
Hey guys, I haven't been on all weekend so I'm just getting around to reading these now.

Thanks for the comments and suggestions, really appreciated, and I suppose I had better go about explaining that first stanza; It's a kind of large metaphor and it's not 'I' as in me, it's like I'm speaking from somone else's perspective in a continuous sense of things. (There's proably a word for this, like a poetic technique, but I sure as hell don't know it. Anyway, if it sheds any light on the subject, it's about consumerism and stupid marketing techniques (not the last verse though).

Anyway, thanks a mil.
I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour

But heaven knows I'm miserable now

I was looking for a job and then I found a job

But heaven knows I'm miserable now