#1
This is just me saying how I feel about something in my life. Possibly the most straightforward piece I've written yet. OTS. Any thoughts are appreciated.


Tip
of the
iceberg
she said.

She was wrong.

It was everything
all at once. Coat, hat
and scarf left right inside
the door. I would have
proposed a toast, had I
had a glass and fork.

Two short years
are now equal to a
lifetime, for as long
as we both shall live.
For as long as you both
shall live.

It's only half of a country
she said,
as she stepped onto
the plane. A heart that
has yet to witness
adulthood, a naivety
in close grasp of
a brand new name.

Onto the backburner.
On with the back breaking.
Sorry if I don't have
the charm. Sorry if
your second thought
is committed to
the west.

I'm sure
her waking hour has
been spent with
all the best. I'm sure
she'll soon grow tired
of asking me for
second chances.

It's her beauty
that has been lost.
It's her voice that
will echo a stranger.

Don't count me out.
Sometime's to see
the true beauty, all
you have to do is
just shake off
the dust.
#3
that was really good. totally relatable. easy to understand. very nice. keep up the good work.


crit mine? its called oblivion. just search it. really grate piece though. i enjoyed it.
#4
Dylan... thank you kind sir.

nightraven... thanks a bunch. Your thoughts are appreciated. When I said it was my most straightforward piece I was more refering to how directly it conveys how I feel about the subject. As far as a memorable part, this isn't one of those kind of pieces. It's meant to be viewed as a whole. I know that there are weak stanzas, but nothing in it is meant to stand on it's own. I get what you're saying though. Thanks.

grevhead... that comment hardly warrants a crit, but I may stop by later and leave a quick comment.

Thanks guys.
#5
i liked this song, very well written
'It's only half of a country
she said,
as she stepped onto
the plane. A heart that
has yet to witness
adulthood, a naivety
in close grasp of
a brand new name.'
This line really stood out to me, describes what the narrator feels as he sees her fly away, good job!
#6
I agree with kristjantomasso on this. I especially like that one stanza he/she brought out. The piece as a whole too, conveys the same message too. I like how it doesn't run in circles before getting to the point, it tells you how you feel and about what quite explicitly. Not saying that fluff in writing is always bad, but in this style I could definitely see more abstract themes taking away from it.

I also enjoyed the stanza, "It was everything...glass and fork" the flow was clearly evident in this one, and worked really well.

But even as straight forward as a piece it is I could not fully comprehend this stanza:
Onto the backburner.
On with the back breaking.
Sorry if I don't have
the charm. Sorry if
your second thought
is committed to
the west.

I'm just getting lost, maybe I'm reading it wrong, but it seems that the the emotion's are switching mid-piece maybe? That's what I got from it.

I also do like the tip of the iceberg shaping, as a tip. And the bottom shaped in the conclusion of a tip.

Well nice job, with a few minor revisions it can really come out of it's shell. Hopefully I was able to help some. Thank you for looking at my piece, I like receiving crits from people who have read my older stuff because if there is one, they can see a sense of progression.

Cheers.
#7
I like the "tip of the iceberg" shape. That's pretty clever.

I also liked the "backburner / back breaking" wordplay.

And, of course, the title. Who doesn't love School House Rock?
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.