#1
Enjoy. C4C


Paul come down from that tree
"I comando que usted consiga abajo; soy tu padre"
you vile little boy with deformed taunts
and eyes of primitive puncture. I'll
have to wait for infinity to bring back my parasite;
she has her own child.

I'll pretend to care inside harmonic museums and oscillate
asylums. I'll be found wasting my time with desecrate men
on top of that tower where you found Da vinci dissecting his shoe.
Isn't it so strange that life reminds you of the fact
that your glass is still half empty. (gone)
And Paul will be found howling inside that urn
Last edited by Bleed Away at Feb 9, 2008,
#3
It's about bad parenting due to drugs and disability of looking properly into situations.

Edit: Yes Paul does die in the end as a course of it. I didn't want to say how he died i wanted to keep it mystique. The second verse the parent is talking to either themself or indirectly to a psycologist.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Feb 9, 2008,
#6
what up with the spannish? i dont get that at all. yes you do have a unique point of view. its really deep. i think i liked it though. so much meaning behind it. i love how im talking in short sentences.

crit mine? its called oblivion. search it if you cant find it. thx. i did like it, just didnt understand the spanish.
#8
This poem says a lot about man. as a whole, If in the end, if your not in it for the right reasons, you will not feel right in the end, because when it comes down to it, life is all about intention

I like your use of harmonic and osciliate, definitely a great device
This poem is very cryptic, the spanish is a nice touch, I was able to get the feel of what it was saying regardless of the language, I had a tough time digesting it but after I thought about it for a while, I saw it. This poem is very good, because I feel it conveys what you intended to do by writing it.
#9



Paul come down from that tree
"I comando que usted consiga abajo; soy tu padre"

Stop here... You said the same thing... once in spanish once in English... and I'm not good at spanish, but is "I comando" real? Or is this a snippet of a conversation that you remember from childhood or something? Either way, I say drop the whole line... the repetition is annoying and not necessary... it slows down the transfer from a interesting opening line to the point of the piece.

you vile little boy with deformed taunts
and eyes of primitive puncture. I'll
have to wait for infinity to bring back my parasite;
she has her own child.

Caps... I hate when people cap nothing. It kills any sort of reading rhythm that I could come up with. The first two lines are amazing descriptions, but I hate the '. I'll' at the end of line two. Move it down, it won't kill you and it will read infinitely better. Then you lose me. I loved everything up til the next two lines... and then you did your usual, "jump to images and ideas no one can understand or relate too..." its not even really good writing which is usually why I don't complain a lot about your random ideas... because you usually cover it up with skills. Here the idea is random, the writing is bland... especially the last line.

I'll pretend to care inside harmonic museums and oscillate
asylums.

Meh, to the word play here. Harmonic Oscillators... I get it, I'm a physics major. Drop the adjectives and I'm with you.

I'll be found wasting my time with desecrate men
on top of that tower where you found De vinci dissecting his shoe.

Isn't it DaVinci? Either way, interesting image... I liked this couple.

No es tan extraño that life reminds you of the fact
that your glass is still half empty. (gone)
And Paul will be found howling inside that urn

Again, meh to the spanish... I like two languages sometimes... but here both times it seemed added, like you were trying to make it artsy. Use English and make it more expressive... the spanish here is basic at best, hell I understood it... and it didn't add much at all. Fix that and I love your ending.


Easily one of my favorites from you... because it was, for the most part, accessible. Good imagery, decent flow (better if you punctuate and cap to help guide the reader) and generally a neat story from a neat point of view.

Thanks for getting to mine.
-zC
#11
Paul come down from that tree
"I comando que usted consiga abajo; soy tu padre"
you vile little boy with deformed taunts
and eyes of primitive puncture. I'll
( Move the I'll down. Please. It makes the flow broken. )
have to wait for infinity to bring back my parasite;
she has her own child.
( Who is this she? I mean, its kind of random. Interesting though )
--
(I like how you write, jumpy.
But it sort of makes no sense.)
--
I'll pretend to care inside harmonic museums and oscillate
asylums. I'll be found wasting my time with desecrate men
( I wanted to say assilums it rhymes with museums haha )
on top of that tower where you found Da vinci dissecting his shoe.
Isn't it so strange that life reminds you of the fact
that your glass is still half empty. (gone)
And Paul will be found howling inside that urn
( I love this last stanza, all except for the asylums oscillating part. Actually the whole first line just seems like you were trying to push interesting words together. )
But over all its an interesting piece. Sorry it took so long, I've been busy.
#12
your asking him to put in information you can figure out yourself, harmonic museums actually means something, as does oscillate asylulms, even if it doesnt mean anything to you
#13
Hey, its all opinion. Writing is supposed to be taken how the reader takes it, if you get something else, congratulations. Thats what I got. That's what you ask for when you post on here, people's opinions.
#14
Quote by ZanasCross
Stop here... You said the same thing... once in spanish once in English... and I'm not good at spanish, but is "I comando" real? Or is this a snippet of a conversation that you remember from childhood or something? Either way, I say drop the whole line... the repetition is annoying and not necessary... it slows down the transfer from a interesting opening line to the point of the piece.


excactly what i was going to say.


this isnt really my style... but other than the opening it wasnt bad
take a look at into the sunshine?
you dont have to since i wasnt much help, but i would appreciate it