#1
Three Years Past

I feel the pressure of the lonely salesman on the precipice of destruction.
I have no knowledge of a profeesor. I'm piece clay who needs instruction.
But it' okay living in the world isn't easy today.
Looking for clarity in an era lacking morality.
Looking at kids playing in the streets. It will be the most fun the will ever hard.
Looking at the mistreated pregnant teen you couldn't pen a song this sad.
Three years departed a spokesperson for MADD.
It has been three years since the change of the season.
The decrepit old man looks for Jesus. He doesn't need any reason.
It has been three years past since the last season.
The lonely fool has no rhythm and reason.
Running from himself, fear and treason.
Joins the rank of the walking dead, but will disappear with the season.

Any comments. This is the 4th song I have written for my band. Saint Germain.
Nirvana, Jimi Hendrix, The Doors, The Clash, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Green Day
#2
you have a lot of spelling/grammar/logic errors in here. i honestly couldn't get past all the typos to the actual content of the piece. do some proofreading and edit this post. then, if you want, you can pm me and i'll give you a full crit on this.

loveray
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#3
Quote by hope's downfall
you have a lot of spelling/grammar/logic errors in here. i honestly couldn't get past all the typos to the actual content of the piece. do some proofreading and edit this post. then, if you want, you can pm me and i'll give you a full crit on this.

loveray


Ditto that from me as well. I couldn't get the flow with the various typos and mistakes. The same rhymes of the last 6 lines looked strange, but perhaps I'm doing you a disservice as I've not been able to read it fully. LMK when you've edited it.
#4
it seemed more like a poem to me because of the setup. i liked it although you should get hooked on phonics...j/k
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.