#1
i hear you voice like an angel calling
my heart beats dead, dying and falling
the voice i hear is calling me back
the darkness i see is all to black...


i think im gone,
because my hearts withdrawn
i think im dead
from these words you said
all i know is lifes.....FOREGONE

i see the light, and its blinding
the road of life is slowly winding
i knew one day it would end
life wait around the bend...

i think im gone,
because my hearts withdrawn
i think im dead
from these words you said
all i know is lifes.....FOREGONE


whats this place im now in
seems there no one and nothing

whats this place im now in
seems there no one and nothing

i think im gone,
because my hearts withdrawn
i think im dead
from these words you said
all i know is lifes.....FOREGONE


just a song i wrote crit please im new to writting and would love your help. i dont really write lyrics much, i mostly write storyes and poems
#2

i hear you voice like an angel calling
my heart beats dead, dying and falling
the voice i hear is calling me back
the darkness i see is all to black...

Ok I'm gonna start out with saying that I assume that you was meant to be your. Right? Also beats per line don't flow th greatest. Though I do understnad how this can work out in song, it just makes it hard to read/ can make it sound akward. And maybe to make a bit more sense you should replace "to" with "of" in the last line. To me any way it makes more sense.

i think im gone,
because my hearts withdrawn
i think im dead
from these words you said
all i know is lifes.....FOREGONE

I would avoide ending in "gone" in both the first and last line. Changing the first one would work but you would lose your aabb pattern (which really wouldn't be a bad thing) Also this makes you want to know what happened to the "character" but you never find out. Maybe you could incorperate a stanza or a line even that says how this person was hurt other than by words.

i see the light, and its blinding
the road of life is slowly winding
i knew one day it would end
life wait around the bend...

Change "wait" to "waits." It would also be more clear/ more dramatic to say "life's end waits around the bend" However you would have to replace "end" in the line above for it to work.

i think im gone,
because my hearts withdrawn
i think im dead
from these words you said
all i know is lifes.....FOREGONE

See above chorus

whats this place im now in
seems there no one and nothing

whats this place im now in
seems there no one and nothing

YAY! a break from the pattern! These two lines are my favorite out of the whole thing. In order to keep a sequential and logical path on the 2nd line of each of these i would say "seems there is no one and there is nothing" however this may not fit the rhythm of the song.

i think im gone,
because my hearts withdrawn
i think im dead
from these words you said
all i know is lifes.....FOREGONE

See two chorus above


Overall I there were a few problems. The aabb pattern seemed very forced. The song really didn't draw you in or connect (to me at least). Word usage seemed odd (proablaly due to rhyme scheme). It kind of left you hanging as to what was going on. However this does leave you asking what was going on before. Which can be good or bad. Maybe you could follow up on this, after revisions should you see the need, and write the backgroudn/reasons for this persons forlorn life. Hey, what can I say, I'm a big fan of two part songs.

Good luck on this song and the pursuite of song writing. I really hope you don't take this review to harsh. I'm just saying what I feel about it. Take it for what you feel its worth for I am not an expert in the slightest.
#3
WOW thanks, i appciate any help, but geez look liek to put time in to looking at it thansk helps, anymore sugestions? or help. would love more, or any thanks helps. also concidering making it a 2 part song
#4
all the help youneed is in what the last person said, but to make it more interesting and origional i would suggest you rework the cliches.

opinion on Tired of my Tin Foil Hat if you have the time?
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#5
thanks for taking the time to read, just know that i didnt mean it was too simple, you have a decent start here, just work on it a bit, and let me know how it turns out when you finish.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#6
yeah alrigth awesome, nah its quite simple i mean i can't do things to compliex if im no good at them, yeah i'll drop you a Pm if i record it or finish so better vocals,