#1
This was one of the first songs that I ever wrote. I wrote it about a year ago, and i havent made many changes. There's a few places that im stuck on but other than that i think its pretty good. I wrote it cause it means something to me and i know that every kid has felt like this at least once in their life. Its nowhere near death metal but its not close to punk or that stuff either. If i were to classify it i would probably lean towards nu metal. But enough of my rambling. Here's my song.


I messed up
I made a mistake
All you do
Is try to fix it
you punnish me

cause you think that works
you think it helps

well ive got
news for you

Chorus:
All it does
Is make me hate you
All it does
is pisses me off

All it does
Is make me hate you
All it does
Is hurt


So now I
am getting ticked
you just keep on
"fixing" it
with punnishment

cause you think it works
to give me nothing at all

but ive got
news for you

Chorus x2 (im too lazy to type it right now)

Bridge (talking):
All I did was make a little mistake
And you flip out.
You take away all of my pleasures,
all you do is yell.
And you think that it helps me.
But it doesn't.
You neglect me, barely talk to me
and when you do talk,
its usually just to yell.
But that neglecting and yelling doesn't help.
It just gets us pissed off.
And it gets us mad at YOU!
Makes us wish you would die!
Makes us hate you.
Why can't you just be nicer?
Is it just easier to yell and scream!?
How do you think that makes us feel?
Maybe it wasn't us that made the mistake.
Maybe it was YOU! (
Did you ever think about that?
I didn't think so!
Well you know what!

Chorus x2

Outtro:
All it does
is hurt

All it does
is hurt

All it does
is hurt

All it does
is hurt

I just want to say thank you to everyone who commented on this song. I really appreciate it. I wouldve posted this, but it wouldn't let me. I espically want to thank bassgirl who was unable to post her crit in the forum but sent it to me instead. It was the thing that helped me the most. I am going to continue to work on this, but for now it's a finnished piece. Thanks again. I will be comming out with a new song sometime in the next two weeks. I have the idea, i just need to write the lyrics. Thanks again to everyone who commented on this and i look forward to writing more in the near future, but until then...

rock on,
grevhead221
Last edited by grevhead221 at Feb 12, 2008,
#2
You apparently posted this because you want opinions on it, so here's mine:

I think it's very poorly written. It sounds more like a letter to some girl who cheated on you in eighth grade than a song. Also, there's really no need for articulation of the text, the words themselves should be enough without telling the audience how loud or fast it should be read. Work on it.
#3
Aight thx for the opinion i appreciate it. Im taking the articulation out right now.
#4
i though it was alright, i mean im no good at songs but i try, and thats 60% of it, and i liekd it, i mean yeah so some of the best songs are simple, but anyway nice,
crit mine?? , called faithful world just search it
#6
yea, basically. it goes a little deeper than that for me though. just cause of my experiences.
#7
that's cool.
you could probably get airplay as a tween-geared band, then. like, jonas-brothers-esque.
#9
I like the first couple of stanzas it reminded me of a NIN'S with teeth album, vaguely anyway. You need to work on your punctuality, your spelling and grammar was good. But you did have a bit of typos. The subejct wasn't whole heartly original but it doesn't need to, i think it could make a good song with the right riffs.
#10
yea really the typos and punctuality were really just me typing. it was late and i was tired when i typed it. plus i was talking to some one online at the same time so i was used to typing poorly at the time lol.

as for the thing about the teen-geared band, we really arent teen geared, just this song. and this is really more about the effects of what some people would call "good parenting" on kids, how it really takes away from the parent-child relationship when they yell and neglect their kids. plus most teens dont really like our style of music. and i would probably shoot myself if we ever do anything like the jonas brothers lol. but thx for the suggestion though.
#13
Pretty good song, maybe a little dull, but sometimes that can be a good thing.
You have a pretty good writing style. keep up the good work
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#14
its simple but that can be good too, most old blues songs are just like this.

i dunno why, but i like this the best

and when you do talk,
its usually just to yell.
#15
Meh, with these lyrics, it's the music that matters, I suppose.

I really don't like them too much at all, too obvious and straightforward. How good the song is depends on the actual music in this case.
#18
A little to straight forward for my tastes. It can work thought, with the right music and vocals. The bridge was the best part.
I'm the same as I was when I was six years old
And oh my god I feel so damn old
I don't really feel anything
#19
It reminded me " Another Brick in the Wall" the whole "we don't need no education bit". I dont know maybe its just me. The only thing that I would reccomend is to try to cut out the the word "you". TO me it seems your using it entirely too much, that could just be me though. Maybe a little more rhyme scheme also..