#1
When I was young

There was gold at the end of rainbows
and monsters under my bed
hope in a new tomorrow
and truth in what was said
When I was young there was no doubt
of who was right and who was wrong
Age has not been kind to me
and time is a vicious dog

Chorus;
When I was young
there was magic
and little green men on mars
the moon was made of green cheese
and you could wish on falling stars
Now I am much older
I am smart and I am wise
Wish I was a bit bolder
I'd gouge out my ears and my eyes

When I was young

The good guys rode white horses
and the bad guys dressed in black
and the low-down dirty scoundrel's apt
to shoot you in your back
The best girls would be tied to tracks
train coming down the line
and the hero would always get there
to untie them just in time

Chorus:
When I was young
there was magic
and little green men on mars
the moon was made of green cheese
and you could wish on falling stars
Now I am much older
I am smart and I am wise
Wish I was a bit bolder
I'd gouge out my ears and my eyes
#2
Quote by Badorphan
Wish I was a bit bolder
I'd gouge out my ears and my eyes


I don't understand that, you go from talking about how you are older and wiser and then this comes along and I don't understand where it's come from or what it's about.
This song/poem captured that childish innocence and perspective nicely, but it didn't have alot of depth. You didn't need it when you were describing what you thought as a child but when you got older. You probably should have added another stanza at the end describing the adult outlook, something to really tie it together. I think without it, it lacks feeling and meaning.

I think it can be better, it just needs a bit of work. Even when it's finished I don't think it will be the best, prove me wrong. It's just one of those topics you have to start right. A good job on it though. Sorry for the crappy crit but I didn't feel the need to tear up your verses, they were fine. Keep practising.

bassgirl121
#3
actually i like that line^ i think its supposed to mean if you had the guts to do it you would, because the world seems like a dark and shi tty place now. Anyway, the first verse kind of seemed cliched but the rest was pretty good.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#4
When I was young

There was gold at the end of rainbows
and monsters under my bed
hope in a new tomorrow
and truth in what was said
When I was young there was no doubt
of who was right and who was wrong
Age has not been kind to me
and time is a vicious dog

i like it man, iam not gonna lie at first i didnt think i would like this but its a good start, good flow and everything nothing seem to stand out as somthing that is bad or needs to be fixed

Chorus;
When I was young
there was magic
and little green men on mars
the moon was made of green cheese
and you could wish on falling stars
Now I am much older
I am smart and I am wise
Wish I was a bit bolder
I'd gouge out my ears and my eyes

i like it, not as much as the first verse, the first couple of line i dont really like, but i think its just the type of song, they seem childesh, which is probaly what you where going for,

When I was young

The good guys rode white horses
and the bad guys dressed in black
and the low-down dirty scoundrel's apt
to shoot you in your back
The best girls would be tied to tracks
train coming down the line
and the hero would always get there
to untie them just in time

this was just alright, it got kinda weak towards the end,

Chorus:
When I was young
there was magic
and little green men on mars
the moon was made of green cheese
and you could wish on falling stars
Now I am much older
I am smart and I am wise
Wish I was a bit bolder
I'd gouge out my ears and my eyes

overall not bad at all man, pretty good, check out mine, (iam just a factory man) thanks, take it easy
#5
I'm not bumping! So no flaming, please!

12Epi is exactly right. Those lines are meant to express the sadness of losing an innocent perspective of everything upon aquiring the knowledge of reality. Losing the illusion of clearly defined lines and finding that the bad guys wear white hats too and the girl (figuratively) really does get run over by the train and that the coin that the man pulled out of your ear was in his hand the whole time. I guess you have to be a little older to appreciate the references. I grew up in the 70's.
Oh, and the cliches are deliberate. That is exactly the root of the whole thing.
Last edited by Badorphan at Feb 9, 2008,
#7
My foot was tapping as I was reading this. I really enjoyed it. This song felt almost nostalgic. Excellent.
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