#1
There's not alot of lyrics to this song because the song is intended to be more about the music, pretty much one big guitar solo.

The Chaos

My Breath contaminates the air
nothing could ever compare
to this void, eating me up inside
my heart shatters and turns to dust
then blows away, like the joy of lust

Angels whisper in my ears
I will not linger here
the fear of life,
I'm not going to deny
now sing my last lullaby
#2
honestly. i quite liked the lyrics

the second stanza is outstanding...
great job. dont overdo it on the music though.
these lyrics are great.

the first two lines of the song werent really up to par with the rest of the lyrics.. but they werent bad.
#3
Quote by bassgirl121
There's not alot of lyrics to this song because the song is intended to be more about the music, pretty much one big guitar solo.

The Chaos

My Breath contaminates the air
nothing could ever compare

Not quite as good as the rest. Could be changed.

to this void, eating me up inside
I like it, but you could say "eating me from the inside out" or something along those lines.
my heart shatters and turns to dust
then blows away, like the joy of lust
dont change this, its great.

Angels whisper in my ears
I will not linger here
the fear of life,
I'm not going to deny
now sing my last lullaby
awesome, dont change it at all.


Well thats my critique. Hope I Helped. Its a really great song.
PS. My critiques are written in red incase you didnt notice
#4
punctuation is always helpfull with flow, "to this void, eating me up inside" this line would sound better to me if eating me up inside was just gone or shortened, or you added an adjective before void, the only reason I believe it sounds better is because in the second part you say "the fear of life" in its related position, no commas no punctuation, unless you intended for the central part to be in that special 2:1 ratio that I hear is so important in poetry... There are just so many different things you could still do if you feel the tenseness in your third line leading into the fourth.
#5
The Chaos

This sounds a lot better than 'My Chaos' IMO you should use this instead =]

My Breath contaminates the air
nothing could ever compare
Like the others have said, weak compared to the rest of the lyrics, not bad, but could be better, they might work really well with the music, I dunno, try to change this part if you can but it's not really a big deal.
to this void, eating me up inside
I like this line bit it might work better as "To this void, eating me up from the inside out" like 18zzz18 said =] Although, how exactly does a void eat you?
my heart shatters and turns to dust
then blows away, like the joy of lust
Fantastic use of imagery here, I love it :]


Angels whisper in my ears
I will not linger here
the fear of life,
I'm not going to deny
now sing my last lullaby
Perfect flow, manages to summon images without actually using lots of imagery (though that wouldn't be a bad thing, as long as it wasn't overdone) and just all around awesomeness, well done you have talent =]
#7
The Chaos

This sounds a lot better than 'My Chaos' IMO you should use this instead =]



Although, how exactly does a void eat you?


Firstly, lol, I thought about that, but my old band name was The Chaos.

Secondly, I think of it as it constantly getting bigger, kind of how guilt works.

Thanks for the great crits guys! I'll fix it when I get a spare moment (stupid school)

bassgirl121
#8
Wow. Amazing song. Its too bad its more for the music, not the lyrics, cause these are amazing. Keep up the good work.

Crit mine? its called oblivion. Just search it. Thx.
#10
Quote by bassgirl121
There's not alot of lyrics to this song because the song is intended to be more about the music, pretty much one big guitar solo.

The Chaos

My Breath contaminates the air
nothing could ever compare
to this void, eating me up inside
my heart shatters and turns to dust
then blows away, like the joy of lust

Angels whisper in my ears
I will not linger here
the fear of life,
I'm not going to deny
now sing my last lullaby



These are great lyrics. You write just like my best friend, and I'm inspired by her... I'm think these lyrics are really, really, REALLY good, even though there aren't that many there...
#11
Quote by bassgirl121

My Breath contaminates the air
nothing could ever compare
to this void, eating me up inside
my heart shatters and turns to dust
then blows away, like the joy of lust

Angels whisper in my ears
I will not linger here
the fear of life,
I'm not going to deny
now sing my last lullaby


I tried to think up the best i could to give this a good crit on weakpoints, but it is a really solid piece! The topic is a little bit cliche, but you did it tastefully. The one thing that stands out to me that doesnt really flow is just the last line, or the one before it. they are cool, but there's just some wordage that makes it sound not right... It could sound right with the music you have in your head though, so I'm not sure.

Cool piece, well writen..good flow but not forced. Nicely done.
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#12
Quote by bassgirl121
There's not alot of lyrics to this song because the song is intended to be more about the music, pretty much one big guitar solo.

The Chaos

My Breath contaminates the air
nothing could ever compare
to this void, eating me up inside ------------- like the other guy said, eating me from the inside out or whatever sounds much deeper and full of pain
my heart shatters and turns to dust
then blows away, like the joy of lust

Angels whisper in my ears
I will not linger here
the fear of life,
I'm not going to deny
now sing my last lullaby


I THINK THE REST IS PRETTY GOOD.
John also known as Knoyx
#13
Quote by bassgirl121
There's not alot of lyrics to this song because the song is intended to be more about the music, pretty much one big guitar solo.

The Chaos

My Breath contaminates the air
nothing could ever compare
to this void, eating me up inside This line seems a little to awkward - it's linked too much with the line before it, unlike the rest of the lyrics.
my heart shatters and turns to dust
then blows away, like the joy of lust

Angels whisper in my ears
I will not linger here
the fear of life,
I'm not going to deny
now sing my last lullaby


And thats all I have to say. To whoever above me that said that "The Choas" sounded better than "My Choas", I disagree. My Chaos sounds a lot more personal and original - makes you think a little more, IMO.
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You're just another brick in the wall
#14
The Chaos

My Breath contaminates the air
nothing could ever compare
to this void, eating me up inside
my heart shatters and turns to dust
then blows away, like the joy of lust

mm pretty good, start. try to change eating me up? i think you could make it sound better.. heart and shatters seem very cliche

Angels whisper in my ears
I will not linger here
the fear of life,
I'm not going to deny
now sing my last lullaby

nice stanza here. pretty solid. nothing really out of the ordinary or something that really blew me away. last lullaby is pretty good thoughi thought that was interesting.

over all this is short and seems to accomplish what you set out to do. thank for the crit btw
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#15
Quote by bassgirl121
There's not alot of lyrics to this song because the song is intended to be more about the music, pretty much one big guitar solo.

The Chaos

My Breath contaminates the air
nothing could ever compare
to this void, eating me up inside
my heart shatters and turns to dust
then blows away, like the joy of lust

First two lines are good I would change the second line to nothing ever could compare just for the flow. the last three are very powerful. I really like the last two especially. I don't know why that just seems like the smartest lyric i have ever heard.

Angels whisper in my ears
I will not linger here
the fear of life,
I'm not going to deny
now sing my last lullaby

The first two lines remind me of slide by the goo goo dolls they sound almost exactly the same but are extremely different. The 3rd and fourth are perfect but in the last line I think if you change last into final it would sound better



You have a solid piece I would add another verse to balance the music and the power of the lyrics.
- Will

P.s. Oh you mind checking out my song called free from life in my sig I'd appreciate it.
I smile because I have no idea whats goin on
Last edited by fenderuser93 at Mar 9, 2008,
#16
goodjob.
nice flow.
i liked the first 2 lines the most out of the WHOLE song.

the third line "to this void, eating me up inside"
i would change that to something like
"to this void, closing in on me" or something alone those lines.
the next TWO lines are OKAY.
i don't really like the dust & lust, because they rhyme quite well. BLAH!
xD

goodjob.
:P
120% on this.

CRIT mine, yes?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=13993550#post13993550
#17
this song needs a crazy piano solo mixed with the guitar. something melodic but heavy as hell
good lyrics