#1
A couple things:
Okay, this is like the third song I've written. I'm 14 and a really awful songwriter, to be honest. I haven't had any experience or teaching, just tried to do it one day. Anyway.. This song was for someone. And I know it's so completely cheesey, but I just wrote how I felt. Again, not well written, I know, but if you're going to completely tear it apart, just gimme some feedback.

Oh, and disregard my username; This song is acoustic.

Okay, that's all. So here it is:


It really hurts right now
I know you feel it, too
Just trust me, it'll go away
When I get to you

I'm not okay in all this pain,
Without you, love, I'd go insane
But in a while I'll be fine,
Just promise me that you'll be mine
Forever

I want to show you
But It's impossible right now
Please don't leave me, I've got a reason,
You'll see why and how

I want to know you'll be with me
Long after you or I could see
An end

I want to show you
But It's impossible right now
Please don't leave me, I've got a reason,
You'll see why and how

I've been waiting now for so damn long,
Only thing that keeps me holding on
Is you

I still can't believe I've got you,
Now trust me it's well worth the wait,
When we're together,
Some way, some day

I want to show you
But It's impossible right now
Please don't leave me, I've got a reason,
You'll see why and how
#5
Quote by IbanezRGSHRED
A couple things:
Okay, this is like the third song I've written. I'm 14 and a really awful songwriter, to be honest. I haven't had any experience or teaching, just tried to do it one day. Anyway.. This song was for someone. And I know it's so completely cheesey, but I just wrote how I felt. Again, not well written, I know, but if you're going to completely tear it apart, just gimme some feedback.

Oh, and disregard my username; This song is acoustic.

Okay, that's all. So here it is:


It really hurts right now
I know you feel it, too
Just trust me, it'll go away
When I get to you

My cliché warning is going off, but something about this stanza kind of breaks that typical love song mould.

I'm not okay in all this pain,
Without you, love, I'd go insane
But in a while I'll be fine,
Just promise me that you'll be mine
Forever

Nothing too wrong here, actually. I can actually envision this acoustically.

I want to show you
But It's impossible right now
Please don't leave me, I've got a reason,
You'll see why and how

I want to say something intelligent, but uh, it still doesn't really break flow at all, at least, not the way I am reading it.

I want to know you'll be with me
Long after you or I could see
An end

I think this one could use an extra line, or an elaboration instead of an abrupt end.

I want to show you
But It's impossible right now
Please don't leave me, I've got a reason,
You'll see why and how

I would cut out "why" and replace it for something; it kind of broke the melody/rhythm I had going on.

I've been waiting now for so damn long,
Only thing that keeps me holding on
Is you

Again, it's sort of abrupt, but this time it works a little better.

I still can't believe I've got you,
Now trust me it's well worth the wait,
When we're together,
Some way, some day

Change "way" to something that doesn't rhyme with "day" and you've got a keeper.


I want to show you
But It's impossible right now
Please don't leave me, I've got a reason,
You'll see why and how


Overall, you're not as bad as you think you are. I've seen A LOT worse. It's solid, but the concept has been done before; however, the way the song is written kind of changes the clichés that might exist. I think you should keep experimenting, and see what you discover about your hidden talents.

Oh, if you have a chance, take a look at my Untitled poem in my sig; there's a link. Thanks,

Mark