#1
A thing for an English class. Rip it to shreds .


--If you read through it and the meter confuses you, listen to some Tool (Lateralus) the beginning's got the same flow to it.


In
The
Darkest
Hallway, I've
Finally unified
myself with you in spiral flight

As
We
Floated
Right through space
On through space and time
I saw the clockwork in our eyes.

"All
The
World could
Come right now
kill us where we stand
I would follow a happy end"
That was what you said.


I
can
still see
Sirius
Calling us to play
As we wander through purple haze.
We did everything
way back when
You were
with me then.

As
I
Stand here
Stand here now
It's all flashing by.
All your life
Kept here
with
me.
I'll
Keep
Going.
Trust me, your
memory's safe with me.
You and me in unity.
Spiral out for me.
Set it free.
So good to see you once again.
I thought that you were hiding.
And you thought that I had run away.
Chasing the tail of dogma.
I opened my eye and there we were .
Last edited by Sapient at Feb 10, 2008,
#2
Quote by Sapient

In
The
Darkest
Hallway I've
Finally unified
myself with you in spiral flight

As
We
Floated
Right through space
On through space and time
I saw the clockwork in our eyes.

All
The
World could
Come right now
That was what I said
Once we had met the starless end

I
can
still see
Sirius
Calling us to play
As we wander through purple haze.

I really like the space/infinity them up to this point. I'm personally a sucker for that sort of stuff.

We did everything
way back when
You were
with me then.

As
I
Stand here
Stand here now
It's all flashing by.
All your life
Kept here
with
me.
I'll
Keep
Going.
Trust me, your
memory's safe with me.
You and me in unity.
Spiral out for me.
Set it free.


I don't know if you're consciously moving away from the space motif in this chunk, but I personally wish that it would stay throughout the piece. This portion might stand well by itself, but after all of the spacy imagery in the first half, this is kind of a let down.



Overall, I quite like it. Sorry I don't have much more to say. I don't spend much time in these parts.
#3
The space imagery was meant to be given only to those couple of stanzas, just because that was in a different part of time with a different stream of consciousness. It disappearing gives a bit more noticeable shift in the mood. At least I thought so. Had I known you were such a sucker for it, I would have kept it in
So good to see you once again.
I thought that you were hiding.
And you thought that I had run away.
Chasing the tail of dogma.
I opened my eye and there we were .
#4
Quote by Sapient



In
The
Darkest
Hallway I've
Finally unified
myself with you in spiral flight

As
We
Floated
Right through space
On through space and time
I saw the clockwork in our eyes.

All
The
World could
Come right now
That was what I said
Once we had met the starless end

I
can
still see
Sirius
Calling us to play
As we wander through purple haze.
We did everything
way back when
You were
with me then.

As
I
Stand here
Stand here now
It's all flashing by.
All your life
Kept here
with
me.
I'll
Keep
Going.
Trust me, your
memory's safe with me.
You and me in unity.
Spiral out for me.
Set it free.


This is very intersting. I like the odd meter, it gives it an abnormal feel. Which is cool. I really can't complain about anything, it's a really good, well-written piece. I think the last stanza is my favorite, I especially like the repetition of "stand here/stand here now". Good job!
#5
Quote by Sapient
The space imagery was meant to be given only to those couple of stanzas, just because that was in a different part of time with a different stream of consciousness. It disappearing gives a bit more noticeable shift in the mood. At least I thought so. Had I known you were such a sucker for it, I would have kept it in

Well then, you definitely got what you were going after. If only you could have read my mind...
#6
Quote by Sapient
A thing for an English class. Rip it to shreds .


--If you read through it and the meter confuses you, listen to some Tool (Lateralus) the beginning's got the same flow to it.


In
The
Darkest
Hallway I've
Finally unified
myself with you in spiral flight

Not bad. Although it seems strange...like there should be some form of punctuation after hallway, as it seems to run on.

As
We
Floated
Right through space
On through space and time
I saw the clockwork in our eyes.

I really like the reference to clock and time. I wouldn't use space twice, though. Although, repetition here seems like it's dragging out, much like time.

All
The
World could
Come right now
That was what I said
Once we had met the starless end

"Come" or "cum"? LOL. Come where? I think I get it, but it's a bit odd. Consider revising it perhaps. I liked it though.

I
can
still see
Sirius
Calling us to play
As we wander through purple haze.
We did everything
way back when
You were
with me then.

Not bad. Might change purple haze though. Cuts off the flow a little.

As
I
Stand here
Stand here now
It's all flashing by.
All your life
Kept here
with
me.
I'll
Keep
Going.
Trust me, your
memory's safe with me.
You and me in unity.
Spiral out for me.
Set it free.


Overall, not bad. The structure was strange, almost spiralling out of control, much like your references. It's not bad at all, though. I hope to see more from you, and what grade English class is it for? 11? 12? Good job, mate.

Mark
#7
Okay, I made a couple of changes. You were right Mark- that stanza was a far stretch, and reading it again exposed the thing as one of those things that I understand but might be hard to decipher to anyone else.

This was for AP English II. I'm in 10th grade.
So good to see you once again.
I thought that you were hiding.
And you thought that I had run away.
Chasing the tail of dogma.
I opened my eye and there we were .
#8
^ I say if it has personal meaning, don't change it. Screw everyone; they can try to relate or they can just accept it.

I'm thinking since I'm in Writer's Craft at school, that I might make a little outline on how to better writing skills and post it on the S+L techniques, so when I do, you can also look there for ideas. Very insightful class. Do you have anything of the like?