#1
Ok I have this song wanna get some crit for it and yes crit for crit...enjoy


It's dark and I'm all alone
Sitting here by myself
And now that you've gone
There will be nobody else

It's been such a long time
Since I've seen her face
STill wish she was mine
And she's in some other place

EMPTYNESS
Grows deep in my heart
EMPTYNESS
Thats What I got
That Emptyness in me
Why can't I let it free

There's a feeling deep inside of me
And im just dying to see (said fast)
What the F**k is going on
With me they say its irreversable


I'm trying to sleep away the shame
but all i feel is a sharp pain
I can't grasp what's going on
Is it a broken heart or a soulfull song

EMPTYNESS
Grows deep in my heart
EMPTYNESS
Thats What I got
That Emptyness in me
Why can't I let it free


Tick tock all i hear is a clock
Is it real or just a playful mock?
There's a hole im my heart
That I'm filling with pills.

I've watched you change
While I was caged
I watched you slip through my hand
like a pile of sand

EMPTYNESS
Grows deep in my heart
EMPTYNESS
Thats What I got
That Emptyness in me
Why can't I let it free.
#2
This entire thing is a complete cliche. I can't see a single original line in it.
That sounds douche-y when you don't explain it, so..

You have unneeded emphasis on emptiness (and you spelled it wrong), you switch tense accidentally once or twice, you have a bunch of cliche rhymes in here (shame/pain), the fourth stanza makes no sense being in here, it completely throws off the rhythm, and the idea itself is so overused everywhere that it gives no inspiration whatsoever.

That still sounds douche-y. I'm not trying to be mean to you, and some of the criticism is subjective. Still, you need to work on originality and flow. There's nothing new here.


Here's mine. Show me some karma
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=12747922#post12747922
So good to see you once again.
I thought that you were hiding.
And you thought that I had run away.
Chasing the tail of dogma.
I opened my eye and there we were .