#1
I just wrote a little song thats meant to be simple kind of setting with just a little twist or something I guess haha. I'm trying to write a lot more, but could use some constructive reviews to make sure I'm kind of aimed the right way. Lemme know what you think, C4C. THANKS!


A morning spring day with just us
While we waited for our school bus
With my head between my knees
and a river rolling down the street

We got picked up, and did what we had to
made it through the day and I'd see you again very soon
could hardly wait, with the games we would play
I'll spin in circles, and hopefully land your way

Chorus:
I just wanted to brighten up your night
be the little light that just might
stay up with you
though we both know it's just an illusion
Just a dream of a boy with lots of confusion

All the Words that stayed in my head
with entirely nothing that could be said
while i was 2 rows behind your spot
you were always mine in these secret plots

Bridge/End:
I loved you as much as I knew how to
with my hands in my pockets, a head thats red
and a toe that seemed to dance on its own
you'll always be my little unknown
70's Japan Greco SuperPower
Amps: '65 TRRI - Peavey Classic 50 4x10 - Epiphone VJ Head (Modded) - 2x12 Celestion Greenback Cab
FX: BK Tube Driver - EH Small Stone - MXR CC
Acoustics: Breedlove ADSM20 - Alveraz 5021 12-String
Last edited by HellBent1337 at Feb 10, 2008,
#2
Quote by HellBent1337

A morning spring day with just us
While we waited for our school bus
With my head between my knees
and a river rolling down the street
a "morning" spring day? Sorry, I didn't understand your meaning. Also, I think the first line would sound better if you you used "with just the two of us" I think the "while" on the second line doesn't flow with what was said above. The "with" on the third line doesn't flow with the above line either perhaps
"my head was between my knees
and a river rolled beside the street" I just think it sounds better, watch your change of tenses.


We got picked up, and did what we had to
made it through the day and I'd see you again very soon
could hardly wait, with the games we would play
I'll spin in circles, and hopefully land your way
Changing of tenses in the second line, leave out the "very" too. Changing of tenses in the fourth line aswell.

Chorus:
I just wanted to brighten up your night
be the little light that just might
stay up with you
though we both know it's just an illusion
Just a dream of a boy with lots of confusion
Good chorus.

All the Words that stayed in my head
with entirely nothing that could be said
while i was 2 rows behind your spot
you were always mine in these secret plots
Leave out the "with" and the "that" on the second line. Shouldn't it be "those" in the fourth line?

Bridge/End:
I loved you as much as I knew how to
with my hands in my pockets, a head thats red
and a toe that seemed to dance on its own
you'll always be my little unknown
Changing of structure in the first two lines. Love the end line.


I quite liked it, it had this childish kind of outlook on love and yet, it was mature in it's own way. Keep working at it, I love it already.

Crit mine? link's in my sig.