#1
I can't promise c-4-c, but I'll try... this is a prelude to the novel I'm starting... see post below for more info.


I was made from the ocean.
in the pale glow of a night sky, through
slow moving tides of liquid glass and mirrored stars.
Below the edge of the world where the land meets the sea
and before moss drenched boulders lay juxtaposed
like cattle in the wake of a storm.
I flew once, and fell once.
I reached a moment in which I touched clouds and
the world was spherical.
I climbed the marble spiral one footstep too far,
and slipped through a subordinate breath of words seemingly unheard,
unechoed...
like a story about a boarded up window pleading for something to see.
I made an angel-shape in an empty flowerbed
in the hope that I could grow her some wings,
because I couldn’t afford to catch her from the
place I was destined for.


O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Feb 11, 2008,
#3
Thanks... well, by prelude I mean it'll be at the start of the book, if I finish it. I don't mean it as in the book will follow on where this left off. You'll just read the novel and be able to go back to this and it'll all make complete sense.

I really need some critiques on this... I need to make it as good - grammar and word choicewise as I can. Don't worry too much about picking me up on an unclear meaning, it's intended to read like that, just so it hits you more after the novel - and yes, I know you haven't read it yet... hence the reason why I don't need you to comment on the meaning, but if you'd like to give me intepretations of what you think it's about I'd be more than happy.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#4
Firstly, this is old i know, i am horrendously late at returning a critique it appears. My apologies. However, let me commence...

I was made from the ocean.
in the pale glow of a night sky, through
slow moving tides of liquid glass and mirrored stars.

I like the atmosphere you're setting here, but the wording doesn't lure me in as much as i think the idea could, for example "mirrored stars", seems kind of ordinary as does "pale glow"; a phrase that seems to crop up a fair amount. A little more play with words here could draw me in more successfully.

Below the edge of the world where the land meets the sea
and before moss drenched boulders lay juxtaposed
like cattle in the wake of a storm.

I like the simile here, it's bold and unique, it makes it interesting.

I flew once, and fell once.
I reached a moment in which I touched clouds and
the world was spherical.

Again i really like what you're getting at, but the wording doesn't seem to hit home quite. Not sure what i'd change, maybe play with the first line some, expand a little, this idea is worth a little more page space, even if it's intended to be ambiguous and explained latterly.

I climbed the marble spiral one footstep too far,
and slipped through a subordinate breath of words seemingly unheard,
unechoed...
like a story about a boarded up window pleading for something to see.

The first three lines again seem a little ordinary and don't have too much sparkle to them, i again like your simile though and i think it saves this part.

I made an angel-shape in an empty flowerbed
in the hope that I could grow her some wings,
because I couldn’t afford to catch her from the
place I was destined for.

This seems to round it off fairly nicely, but i wasn't wowed or left begging for more, i don't think you let enough go to really draw the reader in.

Overall, i found it felt like it needed more polishing and more meticulous thought put into it. If, as it seems, it's going to play a pivotal role in your novel i think your time would be wisely spent honing it and making it really magical. For what it's worth it seemed like there was something there though, some sort of intrigue that maybe whispered that there was an interesting story brewing in the background. Keep working on it, again my apologies for my late return.

I wish you the best of luck with this.
#5
Thanks a ton. No problem with the late return... I'm normally pretty slow at returning crits, so it'd be a tad hypocritical for me to complain.

I really appreciate your thoughts, I'll be sure to try and expand on this and make it a bit more powerful.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#6
Quote by Snowblind 911
I can't promise c-4-c, but I'll try... this is a prelude to the novel I'm starting... see post below for more info.


I was made from the ocean.
in the pale glow of a night sky, through
slow moving tides of liquid glass and mirrored stars.
Below the edge of the world where the land meets the sea
and before moss drenched boulders lay juxtaposed
like cattle in the wake of a storm.

this is all okay. there is nothing amazing about it really, but it all fits and flows nicely together. the last few lines are definitely the best as they are the most original. i feel like ive read the first 3 lines 100 times before.

I flew once, and fell once.

really like this

I reached a moment in which I touched clouds and
the world was spherical.

spherical doesn't work here, it messes up the flow you had going and really doesnt set up for a good transition into your next line, i would find another word.

I climbed the marble spiral one footstep too far,
and slipped through a subordinate breath of words seemingly unheard,
unechoed...

this again seems a bit cliche. way too many times have words been described as 'unheard' and ect. the descriptions here are just lacking creativity.

like a story about a boarded up window pleading for something to see.
I made an angel-shape in an empty flowerbed
in the hope that I could grow her some wings,
because I couldn’t afford to catch her from the
place I was destined for.

i really like the first line here, very nice. the ending is pretty good also. 'in the hope' is a bit awkward and bulky and messes up the flow though.


id say this is a nice start to something that could potentially be something really impressive. you have some nice one liners id say it just needs a few touch ups.
7/10

here is my piece if you can give it a little crit.
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=809160