#1
This just came to me an hour or so ago. The allusion sort of came to me after observing all the Superbowl hype in recent days. Give it a read, and tell me what you think. I'll do a C4C. EDIT: Changed last two stanzas; thought it might work better. Also replaced a few words and line here and there.
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The Giants won. Scoring was close.
An entire country in an uproar.
Take that, Brady. A true patriot.

Another fight somewhere. Casualties unknown.
A whole country in ruins.
Take that, Bush. A true patriot.

Touchdown! That play put them ahead.
The crowd goes wild.
One in a thousand.

Johnston. His sacrifice kept them alive.
A family mourns.
One of a thousand.

Halftime show. This should be good.
Tom Petty. Sing us a song.
Beloved by his fans.

Mission debrief. This is important.
General Petraeus. Tell us the news.
Respected by his men.

A knock at the door. Suits.
False smiles, accompanied by pen and paper.
"You're the best we've ever seen..."
Number thirty four, running back.

A knock at the door. Medals.
Mock stares, along with condolences.
"We're sorry to inform you..."
34th Airborne, killed in action.
Last edited by XxGibsonSGxX at Feb 19, 2008,
#2
Quote by XxGibsonSGxX
This just came to me an hour or so ago. The allusion sort of came to me after observing all the Superbowl hype in recent days. Give it a read, and tell me what you think. I'll do a C4C.
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The Giants won. They actually won.
An entire country in an uproar.
Take that, Brady. A true patriot.

A firefight somewhere. Casualties unknown.
A whole country in ruins.
Take that, Bush. A true patriot.

I love how you immediately shift the poem's meaning there. It really catches my attention. Little nitpicky thing: I think "another fight" might work better, just because I think it makes it a little easier to switch places in my head and burns a better picture
of a war.


Touchdown! That play put them ahead.
The crowd goes wild.
One in a thousand.

Johnston. His sacrifice kept them alive.
The family mourns.
One of a thousand.

I like everything about these two. The assonance between "touchdown" and "Johnston", the play and the sacrifice serving the same type of purpose, the contrast between the crowd and and the family, and especially the one in/of a thousand. They just fit together so well, and all of the links really make me remember.

Halftime show. This should be good.
Tom Petty. Break our hearts.
Beloved by his fans.

Debriefing. This is important.
General Petraeus. Tell us the news.
Respected by his men.

Again, so many links. The expectations, the orders, and the switch in POV really push it.

I sit, from way up high. Nosebleed.
Why am I here? I don’t like football.
A fat man motions to me, hotdog in hand.
The sign reads “Go Patriots.”

I walk, away from the stands.
Why are they there? They don’t like war.
A woman looks at me, tears in her eyes.
The sign reads “Bring my son home.”

I love these too, but not quite as much. They're full of the contrasts, but they aren't so in-your-face or logical as the first ones IMO. Another couple things; I would get rid of the commas, they're a bit unnecessary, and instead of "hotdog in hand", I would put "hotdog in his hand". A subtle difference, but that would make it flow a bit better. I also think "Nosebleed" is unnecessary, even as imagery. It just takes away from the two stanzas.




That was really good. One of the better things I've read on here. I've been writing too, you know...


Nick
So good to see you once again.
I thought that you were hiding.
And you thought that I had run away.
Chasing the tail of dogma.
I opened my eye and there we were .
#4
I'm quite tired, so I won't get a full review :P

But I like it... There's something in it, I have no specific/pseudocientific name for it though, as many people here seem to...

But, it seems to flow alright, plus I like american football... I wonder why you call it football though, only in 2 actions you actually kick the balll!

Haha, anyway!

Good!

Feel free to check mine in my sig (similar to the one you commented )
#5
the introducton of patriot in the first stanza immediately summons an associative quilt to the war for me. it is this factor which drew me into the poem. the breakdown between the two and the interplay of ideas is magnificient.

the end wraps it up perfectly for me. emerging from this "world of associations" we then begin to experience some of the complexity of the world and some of the strange confusion that occurs when we have a global view but are stuck in a localized place. seeing the absurdity of a man with a hot dog wearing a go patriots shirt after the associations made with patriot becomes a complex experience which can be funny, sad, tragic, frustrating, angry, and then to be met with a war protest ties the whole thing together.

wicked.

sorry if i over intellectualized.
#6
I don't really know anything about american football, but I love how you changed at each verse. How each two verses confrontes each other (An entire country in an uproar. / A whole country in ruins, etc....). That's a great idea I think.

From the 8 verses, the first 2 ones would have to be my favorite.
#7
Fantastic. I love the comparison of each stanza to the one before it, and I love the description. You're a fantastic writer. Do you write songs too?
#8
Quote by IbanezRGSHRED
Fantastic. I love the comparison of each stanza to the one before it, and I love the description. You're a fantastic writer. Do you write songs too?


Actually, about that. I do have some lyrics in my sig if you want to look at them.

Going to be writing alot more, as I have to do lyrics for a school assignment. 2500 words of lyrics, music, vocals, on a CD. I won't be able to post all of them as there will be many.
#9
thanks for your crit of my piece.

for a variety of reasons, i really don't like critting pieces like this. if you have something else you'd like me to look at, i'd be more than happy.

otherwise, take this as a free bump.

Gear:
Partscaster/Tele into a bunch of pedals, a Maz 18 head, and a Z Best cab.
#10
Quote by roamingbard13
thanks for your crit of my piece.

for a variety of reasons, i really don't like critting pieces like this. if you have something else you'd like me to look at, i'd be more than happy.

otherwise, take this as a free bump.


Care to elaborate on why you don't like to crit these? I have an idea of why, but it's your call.

When I last got something bumped up from a few months ago, it got closed, oddly enough. That was "At Mind's End".

I'm worried if you crit somethin and bump it up, that it will also be closed.

How about you wait until I get a new piece of material up and you can give me a a crit on that?
#11
I like the way you have two opposing threads running through this piece - it works really well. I also get the impression you're taking a dig at the way the media switches attention to suit the viewing of the lowest common demoninator. I suspect this is a trait of all "free" media, not just a US thing as I feel a similar way about the media coverage here in the UK.

The first two and second two stanzas respectively have a common last line, but you stop that for the remainder - seems strange to start that but not finish it off.

The last two stanzas seem to nicely tie the two threads completely together as well.

Thanks for the crit on mine, sorry this isn't as detailed. I owe you another crit because of that
#12
I really liked what you did here. The entire fun and casual feel of the superbowl was portrayed really nicely. I see what you were trying to do when refering to the war in Iraq, and I think that this will be a really really strong point of your poem. But I don't think you elaborated smoothly enough when talking about the war, the parts about the war just seemed a little out of place. But I did love how you refered to the coach as "General Petreaus", brilliant. One other thing that bothered me was when mentioning the half time show, the line "Tom Petty. Break our hearts" seems a little like cheap word play, maybe to anyone else it's a good line, but it kind of bothered me. I reallly enjoyed reading this one

Thanks for the crit.
The Pit. The Movie.
#14
^ Yes. I think so.

This is a charmingly good piece. Really very solid (I think I've read a few pieces from you in the past).

The ending is quietly heartbreaking.
#15
i like it, it's really emotional at the end. that's a powerful image.
'15 Fender Modern Player Tele
'88 MIK Squier Strat
'06 Ibanez RG5EX1
Peavey Vypyr 75


Currently GASing for: Orange TH30C
#16
That was really great. I liked how it meshed so well. Americans have more important things to worry about then football eh?
#17
^ Heh, well there are many important issues besides football, is what I'm saying. And although it came out as American based, it does really apply to anywhere; Canada, Britain, etc.