#1
I saw a bellowing lion yesterday
overseeing his family
stretching wide and flipping his tail

Later I saw a disheveled hyena
searching for food
scraping at other's leftovers

Today I saw a boy
hair a mess and clothes awry
hand searching in a dirty bag
his belly bulged from roaring hunger
stretching to escape

I fed him my arm
I lost my leg in the last village
but it's better this way
that others should live
#2
Quote by therealdrag0
I saw a bellowing lion yesterday
overseeing his family
stretching wide and flipping his tail

I like the imagery, but I'd use better descriptors than "overseeing" and "flipping".

Later I saw a disheveled hyena
searching for food
scraping at other's leftovers

Yes, this is good. Perhaps add something about how the hyena no longer is laughing? Just a thought, as they do "laugh" alot.

Today I saw a boy
hair a mess and clothes awry
hand searching in a dirty bag
his belly bulged from roaring hunger
stretching to escape

You've used stretching twice. But this stanza is great. Would his belly be bulged, if he was starving? Perhaps "collapsed" or "deflated", as weird as that sounds.

I fed him my arm
I lost my leg in the last village
but it's better this way
that others should live


Wow...I really liked the last stanza...I mean, a little cannibalistic, but wow, the feeling of sacrifice and compassion towards humans. I really enjoyed this. Bravo, mate. If you have time, check out my untitled poem, which I'll sig in a sec.

Mark
#3
pretty cool concept. but i felt like you used a thesaurus for a lot of the words. it sounded awkward.
#5
Gibson thanks for the feedback. I used stretching twice because I was trying to connect his hunger with the lion. "roaring hunger" like the trite "roaring lion"
Arthur and Tony I didn't use a thesaurus. What specifics feel awkward to you?
#6
This was a nice idea and done pretty decently but it wasn't worded too too well. Try to work on your flow so it doesn't sound as awkward at times.

It was good but could be improved.

I liked it though.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
Quote by therealdrag0
Gibson thanks for the feedback. I used stretching twice because I was trying to connect his hunger with the lion. "roaring hunger" like the trite "roaring lion"
Arthur and Tony I didn't use a thesaurus. What specifics feel awkward to you?


bellowing and awry... they worked, just a little over the top

bellowing isnt bad
but awry is kindof awkward

take a look at "into the sunshine"?
...in my sig.
#10
Quote by spiralout13
gibson sg- peoples bellys do swell when they are starving

good stuff btw


Ah yes, perhaps if he had changed it to "swelled" because bulged makes me think of someone who is full and has had a good meal.
#11
here's my 2 cents.

Quote by therealdrag0
I saw a bellowing lion yesterday
overseeing his family
stretching wide and flipping his tail

Later I saw a disheveled hyena
searching for food
scraping at other's leftovers

Theres not much to say about this. I guess it kinda builds up something but it feels a bit like its just there in lack of something better to make the lyrics longer. It gets better with the title of the song tho. Would ur song be named something else it would be pretty useless.

Today I saw a boy
hair a mess and clothes awry
hand searching in a dirty bag
his belly bulged from roaring hunger
stretching to escape

I love the last line here. U could probably replace the word roaring with something better tho.

I fed him my arm
I lost my leg in the last village
but it's better this way
that others should live

This is great too. Witty, and meaningfull. Especially line 2 is good. The last two lines could probably be re-written or rearranged in a better way tho, without loosing its meaning.