#1
There’s something about this place
I don’t know what it is
Makes me want to grow up fast
There’s gotta be more than this

There’s something about you
I don’t know what it is
It makes me feel like I’m alive
But there’s somewhere else I’ve got to be

(chorus1)
Oh I wont walk
But I will run
Into the sun
Into the sunshine

I don’t know if i can tell you
The girl next door
But we cant play anymore

Na Na NaNaNaNa NaNa NaNa NaNaNaNa (x2)

(chorus1)
Oh I wont walk
But I will run
Into the sun
Into the sunshine

Na Na NaNaNaNa NaNa NaNa NaNaNaNa(x1)

(chorus2)
Into the sun I will run
As fast as I can
Dance with me across the stars
Unless you have other plans

Na Na NaNaNaNa NaNa NaNa NaNaNaNa (x1)

If this was my last song
Would you sing along?
If this was my last day
Would you spend it with me?

If I had just one last dollar
What could I buy you?
If I had one more breath
Would you breathe it for me?

On second thought
Hold your breath
Ill hold mine too
Ill hold my breath till my face turns blue

(chorus1)
Oh I wont walk
But I will run
Into the sun
Into the sunshine

Na Na NaNaNaNa NaNa NaNa NaNaNaNa (x1)

(chorus2)
Into the sun I will run
As fast as I can
Dance with me across the stars
Unless you have other plans

Na Na NaNaNaNa NaNa NaNa NaNaNaNa (x1)

probably the best that i have written
its kindof long but not really, most of its repeated...

crit for crit as always.


thanks all

-Tony
Last edited by TonyRandall at Feb 11, 2008,
#2
I'm experienced at all with song lyrics, but..
In the chorus, I like it up until the 'sunshine' which I think doesn't fit.
The placing of the choruses throughout the song are good; helped draw me in.

I'm not sure what this means:"I don’t know how I can tell you; The girl next door; But we cant play no more"
is "you" the "girl next door"? If so I think a comma after you and door would help that. Also can't could use an apostrophe.

_ZachariahJosiahKendall
#3
Quote by TonyRandall

There’s something about this place
I don’t know what it is
Makes me want to grow up fast
There’s gotta be more than this

This Bit's Good, good intro, "Gotta be more than this" made me want to read on

There’s something about you
I don’t know what it is
It makes me feel like I’m alive
But there’s somewhere else I’ve got to be

The Repetition in this verse is good - for me it gave the impression that the (narrator?) has a nagging thought in his head

(chorus1)
Oh I wont walk
But I will run
Into the sun
Into the sunshine

Good - Nothing else to say...but maybe re-think the "Sunshine"...depends how you phrase it

I don’t know how I can tell you
The girl next door
But we cant play no more

Confusing...maybe another verse bit after would explain it

Na Na NaNaNaNa NaNa NaNa NaNaNaNa (x2)
Ok...What sort of NaNANA are they:p

(chorus1)
Oh I wont walk
But I will run
Into the sun
Into the sunshine

Na Na NaNaNaNa NaNa NaNa NaNaNaNa(x1)

(chorus2)
Into the sun I will run
As fast as I can
Dance with me across the stars
Unless you have other plans

That's Niiiice...not much more to say about it...imo it's better thn chorus one

Na Na NaNaNaNa NaNa NaNa NaNaNaNa (x1)

If this was my last song
Would you sing along?
If this was my last day
Would you spend it with me?

If I had just one last dollar
What could I buy you?
If I had one more breath
Would you breathe it for me?

On second thought
Hold your breath
Ill hold mine too
Ill hold my breath till my face turns blue

all very 'poignant?' nice, very nice

(chorus1)
Oh I wont walk
But I will run
Into the sun
Into the sunshine

Na Na NaNaNaNa NaNa NaNa NaNaNaNa (x1)

(chorus2)
Into the sun I will run
As fast as I can
Dance with me across the stars
Unless you have other plans

Na Na NaNaNaNa NaNa NaNa NaNaNaNa (x1)

probably the best that i have written
its kindof long but not really, most of its repeated...

crit for crit as always.


thanks all

-Tony



Now, why can i not write a song like that?

Hmm...what to get you to crit...tell you what, i'll post a new one :p
Yes, I Am A Lesbian... No, I Don't Do Porn
Last edited by beatlemaniac-93 at Feb 12, 2008,
#4
Quote by therealdrag0
I'm experienced at all with song lyrics, but..
In the chorus, I like it up until the 'sunshine' which I think doesn't fit.
The placing of the choruses throughout the song are good; helped draw me in.

I'm not sure what this means:"I don’t know how I can tell you; The girl next door; But we cant play no more"
is "you" the "girl next door"? If so I think a comma after you and door would help that. Also can't could use an apostrophe.

_ZachariahJosiahKendall


this song is about growing up.
it isnt really a love song
more of just inviting the girl to come with me, i guess

that line is pretty much a follow up of the second stanza.

no, im not the girl next door.

thank you both very much for you crits.
#5
The girl next door is an awesome line, keep it.

This is also very good:

Into the sun I will run
As fast as I can
Dance with me across the stars
Unless you have other plans
#6
I'm not entirely sure what to make of this piece. I didn't really like the subject that this was written from. This piece didn't flow at all for me and i didn't help that you used no punctuation except for the odd question marks. i think you need to make the poem flow more in order to make the song decent. you used a lot of cliche lines and this piece was very unoriginal . I think you should get rid of the 'nananana' i honestly don't think it should be included in the lyrics rather something that can be unorthodoxly added during performance or recording.

I'm sorry for the negative crit but this is what i felt when i was reading it but i think you had some good ideas and i think it can still make an awesome song with the right crafts.

Good Lucks my friend,
Fred.
#7
Quote by TonyRandall
There’s something about this place
I don’t know what it is
Makes me want to grow up fast
There’s gotta be more than this

Alright.

There’s something about you
I don’t know what it is
It makes me feel like I’m alive
But there’s somewhere else I’ve got to be

This last line is awkward... it's longer than the rest and a bit of a sore thumb.

(chorus1)
Oh I wont walk
But I will run
Into the sun
Into the sunshine

The first two lines are a bit too cliche for me. Pretty sure they're in another song.

I don’t know how I can tell you
The girl next door
But we cant play no more

awkward/confusing. Also, the use of "no", as oppose to "any", in this situation doesn't seem consistent with the rest of the song. That's grittier, while most of the vocabulary choice throughout is very clean-cut.

Na Na NaNaNaNa NaNa NaNa NaNaNaNa (x2)

(chorus1)
Oh I wont walk
But I will run
Into the sun
Into the sunshine

See above.

Na Na NaNaNaNa NaNa NaNa NaNaNaNa(x1)

(chorus2)
Into the sun I will run
As fast as I can
Dance with me across the stars
Unless you have other plans

Na Na NaNaNaNa NaNa NaNa NaNaNaNa (x1)

If this was my last song
Would you sing along?
If this was my last day
Would you spend it with me?

If I had just one last dollar
What could I buy you?
If I had one more breath
Would you breathe it for me?

That last line makes no sense... if I only have 1 breath left, I'm going to be the one using it.
On second thought
Hold your breath
Ill hold mine too
Ill hold my breath till my face turns blue

(chorus1)
Oh I wont walk
But I will run
Into the sun
Into the sunshine

Na Na NaNaNaNa NaNa NaNa NaNaNaNa (x1)

(chorus2)
Into the sun I will run
As fast as I can
Dance with me across the stars
Unless you have other plans

Na Na NaNaNaNa NaNa NaNa NaNaNaNa (x1)

probably the best that i have written
its kindof long but not really, most of its repeated...

crit for crit as always.


thanks all

-Tony


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