#1
On the spot piece, the first OTS I've ever done, actually C4C


Tears of crimson, pouring from the new orifice in my skull
Your arrow through my heart was the bullet through my head
A bullet with your name engraved...
The last thing through my head, the thing that made me dead.

Peace... Solace...
I find these things in my grave
Away from the images of you lay naked upon his bed
Awaiting his pleasure and his seed,
Away from your self-destruction, alchohol and drug abuse
You are destroying me,
There is nothing I can do...
Nothing I can say...
Nothing I can feel but all consuming sorrow and rage.
I need to rest...
But the only bed that will comfort me,
Is a buried bed of dirt.

I love you...
I don't think you know,
Or maybe you just don't care.
Not fully aware that your actions could harm me as well as you,
Perhaps even destroy me where they may amuse you,
All I know is this,
As you kill yourself, I am tempted to do the same.

Your name will be the last thing through my head.
#2
When i first started reading this i thought "wow this song is horrible. suicide suicide suicide." But then i got to the last stanza that begins with "I love you..." and wow did i have a change of mind. its a really powerful and meaningfull song. so sad, yet so uplifting at the same time. totaly relatable. great song. keep up the good work. crit mine? its called oblivion.
#3
Quote by Scrabbit
On the spot piece, the first OTS I've ever done, actually C4C


Tears of crimson, pouring from the new orifice in my skull
Your arrow through my heart was the bullet through my head
A bullet with your name engraved...
The last thing through my head, the thing that made me dead.
I like this intro. It sets the tone of the song well, the simile brings out what you are trying to say and really makes it stand out. It sounds a little like it should be spoken rather than sung.


Peace... Solace...
I find these things in my grave
Away from the images of you lay naked upon his bed
Awaiting his pleasure and his seed,
Away from your self-destruction, alchohol and drug abuse
You are destroying me,
There is nothing I can do...
Nothing I can say...
Nothing I can feel but all consuming sorrow and rage.
I need to rest...
But the only bed that will comfort me,
Is a buried bed of dirt.
I really like this part, but I don't like the line "Away from your self-destruction, alcohol and drug abuse". It just doesn't really fit or flow.


I love you...
I don't think you know,
Or maybe you just don't care.
Not fully aware that your actions could harm me as well as you,
Perhaps even destroy me where they may amuse you,
All I know is this,
As you kill yourself, I am tempted to do the same.
This part is pretty good, it flows nicely. I wouldn't really take anything out but line #4 is not the strongest


Your name will be the last thing through my head.

I like it, very poem like. I would definitely like to see it with instruments behind it. It could be interesting. Crit mine now? It's called emptiness.
I'm the same as I was when I was six years old
And oh my god I feel so damn old
I don't really feel anything
Last edited by StreetLight3989 at Feb 11, 2008,
#4
extremely powerful. what kind of music are you imagining in the background?
#6
@ Bowl of Oranges: Oh my God, it's hateful isn't it? But I couldn't think of anything so I just tacked on whatever came to mind.

@ nevin021s: Well, ages ago I made up a little song in my head, just sound, which I think would work well here, it's based on three guitars, one acoustic playing minor chord appregios and two elecrics, one playing mainly power chords, straight 5ths and another kind of movable "chord" that looks like

D-2
A-3

and the other electric playing melodic fills.

@ StreetLight3989: Thanks for the crit =] And I have done.

@ grevhead221: Thanks =] And I'll get right on it.
#7
I thought it was really good. The only line problem i have with it is one line: "Away from your self-destruction, alchohol and drug abuse" And actuallu just the last part of it. "self-destruction" works fine. But "alchohol and drug abuse" ...maybe i've just heard those two used together too many times. But the line in itself kinda seemed to not flow, but it wasnt too bad. I think it was more the word usage that i disliked though. It doesnt work for me in a poem (or song). Maybe in a documentary about a rock artist, but not a poem. Anyways thats all i had against this, hte rest was really good.

Could u check mine out (in sig)? thnx.
#8
The last thing through my head, the thing that made me dead.

Maybe its just me, but that doesn't really... seem very poetic. I actually enjoyed your song immensely, i'm just not a fan of that line.
GJ.
-D
#9
Street light said about that line as well, Amplify, and both that line and the one you mentioned, King D, stuck out a bit in a bad way... I'll look to replacing/removing them.