#1
Ok, I wrote this song last night and I want to get some feedback. It's the first song I've ever written so I don't think it's that good. I just want some suggestions and stuff. Oh yeah and tell me if you think I should add another verse.

Emptiness


Verse 1

Hello, I know I'm not the best with first impressions
Just stick around, I swear you won't regret it

I feel most lonely surrounded by those who are closest
I need someone to come and break this evil

But I know all I can do is hope and write these words down
The way I feel is a state of mind most inexplainable

A strange mix of emptiness and bliss
The only way it's broken, by your kiss


Chorus

This song is spilled from my hearts contents
Before I can filter it with my brain's conciseness
Like the words that slip out of my mouth
Then I realize, it's too late now



Surrounded by darkness, I need a way out
Why stay in this town if there's nothing here to be found.
The reality is, I need to get around
Find what's out there, maybe something more profound


outro

I sit around all day and night
staring at the computer screen
I'm bored of what's supposed to entertain

You haven't heard the last of me
I'm built up from a vast array
But for now
Good bye
and good night
I'm the same as I was when I was six years old
And oh my god I feel so damn old
I don't really feel anything
Last edited by StreetLight3989 at Feb 11, 2008,
#2
It was... OK. The first stanza reminded me of a song but i cant remember what it is lol. Either add another verse or just split up the first one. Its a good song, easy to relate to. I dont think its ready to be made into a song yet, but its definately a good start. I like your writing style. Just keep trying out new things, ull be able to fill in that hole after the chorus. But you definately need another verse and another chorus before the outtro, or just a really long guitar solo. Nice work. Crit mine? Its called Oblivion. Nice song, i really enjoyed it.
#3
I'd write another verse. Other than that, no complants; tis pretty good
*-)
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#4
Quote by element4433
I'd write another verse. Other than that, no complants; tis pretty good

Yeah, I'm definitely going to put another verse in. It feels empty without it.
I'm the same as I was when I was six years old
And oh my god I feel so damn old
I don't really feel anything
#5
Emptiness

Verse 1
Hello, I know I'm not the best with first impressions
Just stick around, I swear you won't regret it
Maybe add a "but" at the start of the first line and you'll complete the flow, otherwise fine =]

I feel most lonely surrounded by those who are closest
I need someone to come and break this evil
Might work better as "I feel loneliest when I'm surrounded by those who are closest." And I'm not entirely sure what evil you're referring too....

But I know all I can do is hope and write these words down
The way I feel is a state of mind most inexplainable
Unexplainable, otherwise good work here

A strange mix of emptiness and bliss
The only way it's broken, by your kiss

Add an "is" before "by" maybe? Otherwise this works pretty well

Chorus
This song is spilled from my hearts contents
Before I can filter it with my brain's conciseness
Like the words that slip out of my mouth
Then I realize, it's too late now

I dunno... I get what it means, that this song is what came to mind, you're saying what you're thinking just like you do when speaking... it's a nice idea and it flows well... it just doesn't seem to fit into what came before it but it's not bad... I dunno what it is, it just seems like it could be improved but I don't really have any suggestions, maybe if I heard it with music...

Surrounded by darkness, I need a way out
Why stay in this town if there's nothing here to be found.
The reality is, I need to get around
Find what's out there, maybe something more profound

This is perfect I have no critiscisms to make. Usually I don't like it when the same rhyme is used 3 or more times but you did it rather tastefully well done =]

outro
I sit around all day and night
staring at the computer screen
I'm bored of what's supposed to entertain
Look to replacing the last line, it doesn't flow very well at all... the other two are good I have no critiscisms.

You haven't heard the last of me
I'm built up from a vast array
But for now
Good bye
and good night

Put the last two lines together and it'll work perfectly. Overall this is a decent piece, could be revised a little here and there, but otherwise it's pretty damn good =]
#6
I liked it, I couldnt really grasp a feel to it, but I liked it as more of a poem than anything.

Mind checking mine?

Lost in a state of mind.
#7
good job budday, i liked, it was good, would be great in the a sunny day real estate or jawbreaker stylee.
#8
Quote by original=punk
good job budday, i liked, it was good, would be great in the a sunny day real estate or jawbreaker stylee.

That's what I was thinking. An emo song, or maybe go acoustic.
I'm the same as I was when I was six years old
And oh my god I feel so damn old
I don't really feel anything