#1
he stood over me, dagger ejected from my chest
with eyes that were insect-calm:
black pools of nothing for nobody.
i laid gasping in a blood puddle,
sucking oxygen bubbles through the
punctured straw in my dust-lined, alleyway-air
cocktail.

cat-like, he turned toward car-door
slams that i didn't hear.
more insect infected eyes came like a herd.
they moved in and out of focus,
hi-definition and then blurred shapes.
not men, just shapes of them.

me, i was the body outline at a crime-scene:
looking up, finding the only part of the sky i could see,
the part not yet scraped by the limbs of the street.
those buildings, vertical extensions of this shit-hole town,
reserved for jumper suicides.
i thought about the moon i could not see;
that idle searchlight,
god's penitentiary.
Last edited by Arthur Curry at Feb 13, 2008,
#2
pimpin...serious
Quote by aig91
"It doesn't get much beter than that! Ok, maybe a free ibanez guitar and marshall half-stack in perfect condition would be better, but free pancakes comes right behind that"

Quote by neptune1988
"My tone should be like me........FAT! "
#5
I started reading it, immediately hating it, then only despising it, wanting to loathe it, and I came around to "it's not so bad," until I reached the end, and had to reluctantly enjoy it. Not just the ending, but the poem. It's quite good. You'd quite made your point long before the "shit-hole town" line, thus making that unnecessarily redundant.

I like it. I do. Reminds me of the atmosphere in Sin City, which is very cool.
#7
Ok this has great imagery. Ill try to point out whats good and what could be improved. The only problem with it is the subject it deals with. U have a great ability to describe things. But the story in itself is a bit trivial.

Quote by Arthur Curry
he stood over me, dagger ejected from my chest

Ejected is a good word.

with eyes that were insect-calm:

This is great too. Insect-calm. I like that.

black pools of nothing for nobody.

This is a bit chliche. Especially "nothing for nobody". U could rework this.

i laid gasping in a blood puddle,
sucking oxygen bubbles through the
punctured straw in my dust-lined, alleyway-air
cocktail.

Love this. Alleyway-air is a great way to explain the surroundings while explaining something else.

cat-like, he turned toward car-door

This sounds kinda strange. Maybe u could insert an "a" or "the" before car-door or something.

slams that i didn't hear.
more insect infected eyes came like a heard.
they moved in and out of focus,
hi-definition and then blurred shapes.
not men, just shapes of them.

Last line has a great rhyme, keep it. Rest of it is good but theres better lines in the lyrics.

me, i was the body outline at a crime-scene:
looking up, finding the only part of the sky i could see,
the part not yet scraped by the limbs of the street.
those buildings, vertical extensions of this shit-hole town,
reserved for jumper suicides.
i thought about the moon i could not see;
that idle searchlight,
god's penitentiary.

This is good too, except id pick a less obvious word than "****hole".

Last edited by TexasMedicine at Feb 12, 2008,
#9
Very good, really no complaints. I think the first line is very good actually. Is this a poem or a song, because I can see it going either way.
I'm the same as I was when I was six years old
And oh my god I feel so damn old
I don't really feel anything
#10
I hate that I don't hate it...I realy wanted to when I saw the title.
Quote by dcdossett65
Life is too short to worry about this crap.

Who.

Cares.
#11
It's really good. Very imaginative. I liked the imagery that you used. All in all, just really great. I can't say perfect cause nothing is perfect. But as far as i'm concerned thats the best it can be. Would you mind critting mine or just randomly posting in it? I need one last bump cause i can't do it myself. Its called oblivion. I really appreciate it. You have some serious writing talent. Keep up the good work.
#12
Quote by StreetLight3989
Very good, really no complaints. I think the first line is very good actually. Is this a poem or a song, because I can see it going either way.


poem, definitely.
#13
Quote by Arthur Curry

he stood over me, dagger ejected from my chest
with eyes that were insect-calm:
I didn't like 'ejected'. You give your reader the general idea of the scene (ie. him standing over you) and then you bring in this word which sounds so out of place it ruins the whole line for me. I liked insect-calm. It made me wonder, I don't really think of insects as calm, so the paradox is strangely interesting.
black pools of nothing for nobody.
Black. Meh. I liked 'of nothing for nobody' but the 'black' was a bit bland.
i laid gasping in a blood puddle,
sucking oxygen bubbles through the
punctured straw in my dust-lined, alleyway-air
cocktail.
If the 'blood puddle' relates back to the 'black pools'-line, I didn't like it. Pools and puddles make me think of quite different things and 'black pools' sounds much darker than 'puddle' which (even with 'blood' added) still gives me quite a happy happy feeling. The last two lines here were absolutely amazing.

cat-like, he turned toward car-door
'cat-like' is interesting. it immediately made me think of the 'insect-calm' in the first stanza. the end of this line confused me at first. I kept reading 'car doors' instead of 'car-door', but then I read the next line and I saw the 'slams'. Now it makes sense.
slams that i didn't hear.
You're telling this from a first person perspective, so I thought it was pretty interesting how you didn't hear these car-door slams, yet you know they were there. Interesting twist, I guess.
more insect infected eyes came like a herd.
Do insects come in herds? I don't know. It probably doesn't matter either, but I have to be picky here, lol.
they moved in and out of focus,
hi-definition and then blurred shapes.
not men, just shapes of them.
When I first glanced over this, I thought the repetition of 'shapes' would annoy me, but when I read into it, it surprisingly didn't. The flow here is great, I guess the semi-rhyming of 'them' and 'then' does wonders. Nice.

me, i was the body outline at a crime-scene:
looking up, finding the only part of the sky i could see,
the part not yet scraped by the limbs of the street.
The first ilne is a bit overdone, but it works. The last line is absolutely spectacular.
those buildings, vertical extensions of this shit-hole town,
reserved for jumper suicides.
I didn't like the '****-hole'. the jumper suicides thing was good.
i thought about the moon i could not see;
that idle searchlight,
god's penitentiary.
Great ending. the 'moon i could not see' line might be a bit weak, being a cliché image and all but the two last lines were great.