#1
Well, wrote this this morning in maths class while bored... usually it takes me ALOT of time to finish lyrics, but this one was pretty quick. Might add a second verse later thought.

Title is not final yet.

EDIT: Oh yes, C4C, leave a link to your stuff !

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I'm a Criminal

[Verse 1]
I’m coming back home
Standing alone behind the front door
Ran against the clock but didn’t made it in time
Ain’t got any messages on the phone
I’m standing alone and my eyes are burning
Ah…

[Pre chorus]
Angry tears are bursting out
There’s nothing I can do anymore
A couple of years behind concrete walls
And my life has been washed away

[Chorus]
What I see all around me
Is so different from what I’ve known
In my mind, in my heart
The world has gone insane

[guitar solo]

[Chorus]
What I feel inside of me
Is so different from what I’ve known
In my mind, in my heart
The world has gone insane

[Pre chorus]
Angry tears are bursting out
There’s nothing I can do anymore
A couple of years behind concrete walls
And my life has been washed away

[Chorus]
What I see all around me
Is so different from what I’ve known
In my mind, in my heart
The world has gone insane

[Interlude, break, whatever it is called]
If I just let you go
Will I be able to fly in the sky ?
If I let it all go
Will I be freed from your hands ?

[Chorus]
What I feel inside of me
Should I let my heart go ?
I’m drowning in my pain
Should I take the call from heaven ?

The world has gone insane…
Last edited by UVER at Feb 13, 2008,
#3
Well, wrote this this morning in maths class while bored... usually it takes me ALOT of time to finish lyrics, but this one was pretty quick. Might add a second verse later thought.

Title is not final yet.

EDIT: Oh yes, C4C, leave a link to your stuff ! (not a "in my sig or whatsover, that's how lazy I am xD)

-----

I'm a Criminal

[Verse 1]
I’m coming back home
Standing alone behind the front door
Ran against the clock but didn’t made it in time
Ain’t got any messages on the phone
I’m standing alone and my eyes are burning
Ah…

Sets the mood for an out of luck, lonely person, it looks like. Reading on...

[Pre chorus]
Angry tears are bursting out
There’s nothing I can do anymore
A couple of years behind concrete walls
And my life has been washed away

I like Line 3, but maybe change line 4 so that it kind of connects more with the concrete? Concrete + washed = ? I know there isn't much choice, and it's still pretty good.
[Chorus]
What I see, what I feel
Is so different from what I’ve known
In my mind, in my heart
The world has gone insane

Oh my God, crazy deja vu. I just sang that like "Sugar" by System of a Down, where he's all like "What do I do, what do I say? In the end it all goes away..." etc. This is a good chorus!

[guitar solo]

[Chorus]
What I see, what I feel
Is so different from what I’ve known
In my mind, in my heart
The world has gone insane

See above.

[Pre chorus]
Angry tears are bursting out
There’s nothing I can do anymore
A couple of years behind concrete walls
And my life has been washed away

[Chorus]
What I see, what I feel
Is so different from what I’ve known
In my mind, in my heart
The world has gone insane

[Interlude, break, whatever it is called]
If I just let you go
Will I be able to fly in the sky ?
If I let it all go
Will I be freed from your hands ?

Hmmm, I'm not sure, but this gives me the impression of the man repenting his sins, or confessing/apologizing. Not bad.


[Chorus]
What I see, what I feel
Should I let my heart go ?
I’m drowning in my pain
Should I take the call from heaven ?

The world has gone insane…

Really good ending, especially "Should I take the call from heaven?"

Good stuff. I rather enjoyed this, and you post should keep posting your work; it shall earn a review from me. If you don't mind, crit my Untitled poem; link in sig.

Mark
#4
Quote by TexasMedicine
What I see, what I feel
Is so different from what I’ve known

This really reminds me too much of metallicas unforgiven.


Ugh now that you say it, YES. o_o Crazy I didnt found that myself. I've edited the choruses a bit. So no people says I ripped them or whatsoever..

Quote by XxGibsonSGxX
Good stuff. I rather enjoyed this, and you post should keep posting your work; it shall earn a review from me. If you don't mind, crit my Untitled poem; link in sig.

Mark


Thanks for the crit !

I did try searching different stuff for the 4th line of the pre chorus, but I couldn't find anything better than that for the moment. :S So until then I'll let it like this. And for the chorus, yea I thought it might have been said before.
And i've youtubed Sugar, but it's completely different from what I have in mind melody wise. xD

And thanks for the last line, the thing is basically about suicide for the guy, but I wanted to put it a different way.

Im going to look at your Untitled poem.