#1
Possibly my last piece of this month y'll
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You dare trade a Dove for a Crow,
a rose for a shrub, a gun for a sword.
"They're all items" i hear you say,
with your rubber bow eroded and stained;
on the night the lovers forgot your name.

With lips of vile feathers where my woes would flourish; the whores. Are mute.

And you would come in at night like a thief,
told to hold beauty by the throat.
And... and that last breath you would give to the world;
on the age of the widows and the machines.

Arise the Goliath of Rome;
imperial march that destroyed my home.
Cupid's bow buried on the Province of Terni;
just make sure you're the one to throw the last stone.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Feb 12, 2008,
#3
"And you would come in at night like a thief,
told to hold beauty by the throat.
And... and that last breath you would give to the world;"

Ugh, genious.
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#5
I thought this was great.

Nice images, nice syntax. My favorite that I've read from you.

Good job.
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Sleep on the floor
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#7
And you would come in at night like a thief.

besides that being directly from a brand new song,
im obviously nothing but impressed with this.
nice work
#8
It's not hard to see why this won WOTW. This is probably your best piece yet, and I think although it does have some potential to be slightly better and I mean slightly, it is already close to being as good as it can be. Great imagery, great ideas and a good flow to boot. It's obvious you read a lot of material by some of the greatest writers because this style of writing reminds me somewhat of T.S Elliot, I think it may be more suited as a poem than a song, but that just comes down to what music you plan to add with it but nice job.


Cheers,

Dan
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#11
Thanks guys, but i don't think it's my best, maybe because i've more insights with the pieces seeming i wrote them. This will definitely not be my peak in creative writing instead it'll be a steeping stone for much, much greater things. Till sunday i have always wondered if the Secret Panel would ever highlight any of my pieces, because that's never happened before in UG nor anywhere else. Hence i kept experimenting with different styles of writing.

As for the TS Eliot comparison that's a great compliment to say the very least. I've only really read "The Hollow men".

But anyway thank you guys, hopefully this wouldn't be the last time that any of my pieces is up here and unaffected by bumps .
Last edited by Bleed Away at Oct 28, 2009,
#12
Well, congratulations man!

I actually am writing a song with the comparison of a dove and crow, but I shouldn't post it now, as someone's bound to think I stole it. Damn, what a coincidence.