#1
C4C I'll return 100% for this one. If the first word of the line is lower case it's the same line as the one prior to it.

Jeremy was a boy and he liked to pick fights in the schoolyard

Jeremy was a boy
That liked to pick fights in the schoolyard
Taped fists, bony wrists
And a stare that would freeze
Her heart if he could, so he could come in
Real close to her without anybody saying nothing

So rain clouds fell and lifted, leading to nothing,
And, after all, Jeremy was a boy,
And so he packed up all the stuff around his room in
An old leather Skyway and set out across the schoolyard,
He sent out one more stare down the asphalt that would freeze
Her heart if he could, and then turned quickly and pointed his wrists

Straight out and up, watching the scrapes and scabs that made them his wrists
And he swung them wildly, letting them celebrate the great nothing
That was working its way into his walk as he strode. There was a heavy freeze
Across the ground and his fists shuddered. He was lost. He was a boy.
He knew where he was going though. He had known when he first saw her in the schoolyard,
Skirt pushed up by the wind and his arms. He paused here and tried to hold his breath in

And he went under the tunnel, wishing. He was going up. It was getting colder. White in
His hair, snowing. Breathing heavier. Trees thicker. Chest heavier. Wrists
Swinging helpless against his sides. He counted the slabs of concrete as if each one was his
schoolyard,
Wincing away at each step and each memory that filled his eyes like the reflection of the
surrounding hemlocks into the sky, into nothing,
Maybe he was going blind or drowning. Her name was Hailey he remembered, the boy
In him told him to stop and run back to her. He swore that he would freeze

Her heart if he could. He swore that he would freeze
Out here along this winter pathway before he would run back in
Desperation to the girl he would love if he could. But he was a boy
Taking step after step up a paved path leading straight up. He was close, he could feel it in his
wrists.
Straight up, path covered in green and sky, straight up to the top. He wondered where the nothing
Ended and the schoolyard

Began. He was a long way removed now. He felt her embroidered skirt in his frozen hands. He
was far away from his schoolyard
As he rounded the first headstone. He was at the top now, where the heaviest freeze
Had struck the world, and he went to the very center of the graveyard and prayed into the upward
nothing
And stared at an old epitaph: “Sleep, my little one, sleep.” In
An instant he was terrified. His wrists
Locked. Jeremy was a boy

He loved nothing but those fights in the schoolyard with her skirt and his hands
Jeremy was a boy who loved to pick fights with the sky, he loved to feel a heavy freeze
Come over him every winter. “Come in come in” she said, “now lets see about your wrists.”
Last edited by #1 synth at Feb 12, 2008,
#2
Ok this was very good. But i hated the cuts in sentences to change stanzas. It just made it a little akward to read, hard to read. And a little difficult to follow. But maybe it's just me. Other than that, this was very good. Hell, it was beautiful.

crit back plz? in sig. thnx a bunch in advance.
#3
Quote by AmplifySilence
Ok this was very good. But i hated the cuts in sentences to change stanzas. It just made it a little akward to read, hard to read. And a little difficult to follow. But maybe it's just me. Other than that, this was very good. Hell, it was beautiful.

crit back plz? in sig. thnx a bunch in advance.


It's a sestina. He had to do it to make it come out right; the words at the end of each line are the same in each stanza, but in another order.

I'll get to this Dylan.
#4
oh ok, i see it... sorry for my ignorance then, thnx for telling me too though... learn something new...

Well i dont like the way it reads anyway... but... good job.
#6
Jeremy was a boy
That liked to pick fights in the schoolyard i think you need some sort of punctuation at the end of this line.
Taped fists, bony wrists
And a stare that would freeze
Her heart if he could, so he could come in
Real close to her without anybody saying nothing the last half of this line doesn't read very well. i hate the use of nothing. but since you can't change that without screwing up the entire piece, i would suggest changing anybody to nobody. normally i wouldn't condone forsaking good grammar, but it would make the flow so much more smooth.

So rain clouds fell and lifted, leading to nothing, is the so really necessary here? if not, take it out.
And, after all, Jeremy was a boy,
And so he packed up all the stuff around his room in this line i do think you should start with so. the double and sounds redundant.
An old leather Skyway and set out across the schoolyard,full stop?
He sent out one more stare down the asphalt that would freeze
Her heart if he could, and then turned quickly and pointed his wrists i would either get rid of and or then here. preferably the and, since there's another so close after in the same line.

Straight out and up, watching the scrapes and scabs that made them his wrists
And he swung them wildly, letting them celebrate the great nothing
That was working its way into his walk as he strode. There was a heavy freeze
Across the ground and his fists shuddered. He was lost. He was a boy.
He knew where he was going though. He had known when he first saw her in the schoolyard,
Skirt pushed up by the wind and his arms. He paused here and tried to hold his breath in

And he went under the tunnel, wishing. He was going up. It was getting colder. White in
His hair, snowing. Breathing heavier. Trees thicker. Chest heavier. Wrists
Swinging helpless against his sides. He counted the slabs of concrete as if each one was his
schoolyard,
Wincing away at each step and each memory that filled his eyes like the reflection of the
surrounding hemlocks into the sky, into nothing,
Maybe he was going blind or drowning. Her name was Hailey he remembered, the boy i think the comma after remembered should be a full stop. else it kind of sounds like you're saying the boy's name was hailey. at least, it does to me...
In him told him to stop and run back to her. He swore that he would freeze

Her heart if he could. He swore that he would freeze
Out here along this winter pathway before he would run back in
Desperation to the girl he would love if he could. But he was a boy
Taking step after step up a paved path leading straight up. He was close, he could feel it in his wrists.
Straight up, path covered in green and sky, straight up to the top. He wondered where the nothing
Ended and the schoolyard

Began. He was a long way removed now. He felt her embroidered skirt in his frozen hands. He
was far away from his schoolyard
As he rounded the first headstone. He was at the top now, where the heaviest freeze
Had struck the world, and he went to the very center of the graveyard and prayed into the upward nothing
And stared at an old epitaph: “Sleep, my little one, sleep.” In
An instant he was terrified. His wrists
Locked. Jeremy was a boy

He loved nothing but those fights in the schoolyard with her skirt and his hands
Jeremy was a boy who loved to pick fights with the sky, he loved to feel a heavy freeze
Come over him every winter. “Come in come in” she said, “now lets see about your wrists.”

i have nothing to say about the rest. at least not now. i just suddenly got really tired, and everything seems perfect. sorry. i might come back later and edit in more of a decent crit. but for now, that's all i got.

i really liked this a lot. i usually don't like poetry that adheres so strictly to a certain structure, but this was very well done. impressive, kid.

hope that helped, at least a little.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#7
This is an amazingly well written poem. The structure and flow are nearly flawless, save a few areas that could be slightly altered. You're a great poet, keep up the amazing work.
#9
Wow,
Truth be told I have never read a Sestina before. But man, was it beautiful. I must say that that was very well written from what I can tell without knowing to much about the form you are writing in.
I'm sorry I can't give you a full review, I feel that I am not qualified for judging this without more experience in the form. Just know it was to my liking.

So, Here is a bump if nothing else. I'm off to read up on Sestinas.

-Ryan