#1
Ok... I'm new to the forum and this is only the second song I have written. Any suggestions/improvements will be greatly appreciated. Also, I don't really like the title, so I'm open for suggestions there too.
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Meant to be an acoustic/folkish song

The serpentine river flows swift, wisking you away
What happened to the smooth marble ground?
Where is the bliss that was so profound?
The Earth is is rusting, causing its decay
You walk into a room
Now nobody stares
It's the same from beginning to the end

The lightning strikes down, rattling your bones
Does it hurt you to feel corrupted?
How's the mind feel after it's erupted?
You feel desolate and lonely like Mr. Thin Jones
You open the door
But nobody's there
It's the same from beginning to the end

Odin will demise, say the legends of Norse
Will you ever end your silly parade?
Will you ever stop your foolish charade?
You stumbled right off of your plastic high horse
You proclaim a warning,
Nobody cares
It's the same from beginning to the end

Tattered and ragged your life is in ruins
What happened to fortune and fame?
What happened to the ants that worshiped your name?
All that remains are the notebooks you drew in
Cursing the heavans you cry
Nobody's fair
It's the same from beginning to the end
"These are the seasons of emotion and like the winds they rise and fall
This is the wonder of devotion - I see the torch we all must hold.
This is the mystery of the quotient - Upon us all a little rain must fall."
Last edited by Rocky Racoon at Feb 12, 2008,
#2
Quote by Rocky Racoon
Ok... I'm new to the forum and this is only the second song I have written. Any suggestions/improvements will be greatly appreciated. Also, I don't really like the title, so I'm open for suggestions there too.

Meant to be an acoustic/folkish song

The serpentine river flows swift, wisking you away
What happened to the smooth marble ground?
Where is the bliss that was so profound?
The Earth is is rusting, causing its decay
You walk into a room
Now nobody stares
It's the same from beginning to the end

This first verse is brilliant, I realy like it, nothing to change IMO
The lightning strikes down, rattling your bones
Does it your you to feel corrupted?
How's the mind feel after it's erupted?
You feel desolate and lonely like Mr. Thin Jones
You open the door
But nobody's there
It's the same from beginning to the end

I'd change up the second and 3rd lines some...they don't seem to flow, I like the corrputed erupted rhyme, but you need 1 more sylable in the top line, and 1 less in the bottom.

Odin will demise, say the legends of Norse
Will you ever end your silly parade?
Will you ever stop your foolish charade?
You stumbled right off of your plastic high horse
You proclaim a warning,
Nobody cares
It's the same from beginning to the end

This is good...not as good as the first verse, but good.

Tattered and ragged your life is in ruins
What happened to fortune and fame?
What happened to the ants that worshiped your name?
All that remains are the notebooks you drew in
Cursing the heavans you cry
Nobody's fair
It's the same from beginning to the end

The 3rd line doesn't flow too well, change it, and this will be a great verse.



And if you don't mind critting mine, it's called 'Free from my yesterdays', ill post a link in a second....


linkage
Quote by dcdossett65
Life is too short to worry about this crap.

Who.

Cares.
Last edited by HLrocker at Feb 12, 2008,