#1
Writing a song for valentines day for my girl friend.
Full crits will be returned, if full crit given.


Disillusioned from who i was before,
Changed from your affect on me
Eyes that rob me blind
Blind from who i used to be.

Stare upon the stars
wonder if who is up there,
granted me this love
Doubting this, i don't dare

Pain washed away in tide
Hope falls from the blue sky
True love clashes my old morals
Stench of old lives are cut on coral.

Breathing in you presence
Seeing your grace
Im living through you
You brought me faith, just in case.

Pain washed away in tide
Hope falls from the blue sky
True love clashes my old morals
Stench of old lives are cut on coral.

Life held so stable on a thread you wove
Its amazing how you do this love
You've takin me buy such surprise
You've taken my life by stride.
Birdie Birdie in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like Sugar, Tastes like sap.....OMG ITS BIRDIE CRAP!
#2
Quote by RRRUBEN
Disillusioned from who i was before,
Changed from your affect on me
Eyes that rob me blind
Blind from who i used to be.

Seems OK, my only gripe is the blind/Blind duplicate

Stare upon the stars
wonder if who is up there, Is "if" a typo?
granted me this love To me this needs a "who" at the start of the line
Doubting this, i don't dare

Pain washed away in tide "tide" doesn't seem right here, replacing "in" with "by the" makes more sense to me, but perhaps not what you meant?
Hope falls from the blue sky
True love clashes my old morals
Stench of old lives are cut on coral.

I don't understand the cut on coral thing, but that may just be me

Breathing in your presence
Seeing your grace
I'm living through you
You brought me faith, just in case.

The flow seems a little off in this stanza. Either the last line has too many words, or the 2nd and 3rd lines have too few.

Pain washed away in tide
Hope falls from the blue sky
True love clashes my old morals
Stench of old lives are cut on coral.

Life held so stable on a thread you wove
It's amazing how you do this love
You've taken me by such surprise
You've taken my life by stride.

Sorry, but your usage of "stride" in the last line it doesn't seem correct to me.


The flow seems a bit off in some of the stanzas/verses, as in not consistent, but they all hold together well enough.

My comments all sound really negative, but I think with a few revisions you could be on to something good here - just not much time to revise it before tomorrow
#3
Bumpity?
Birdie Birdie in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like Sugar, Tastes like sap.....OMG ITS BIRDIE CRAP!