#1
A valentine, a love note,
A mockery I make myself, but
Do the stains of red stand for
Love or loss of heart

An offering, a feeling,
A temptation that is forbidden, but
Do the eyes of Gods believe that
Love or lust are in these cards

A tommorow, a flower,
A boundary I shalt not cross
The memory they brand in me when
Love takes you, like a zephyr

A glass window, a handle,
A door that's locked away, but
Should the glass be shattered to
Love this Febuary

So as I last carress my words so
You can see where I stand, I
Hope that you become the bird that
You had never planned
#2
Thanks for the crit :]


A valentine, a love note,
A mockery I make myself, but
Do the stains of red stand for
Love or loss of heart
You could add 'the' before 'loss' for maybe a better flow, but if you don't want to i'm sure it would still sound okay. i like the use of 'a valentine' partly because valentine's day happens to be tomorrow :]

An offering, a feeling,
A temptation that is forbidden, but
Do the eyes of Gods believe that
Love or lust are in these cards
nice. i kind of like how the second line in this stanza also ends with 'but'

A tommorow, a flower, tomorrow *spelling. flower seems kind of random
A boundary I shalt not cross not sure how much i like 'shalt'. maybe shall or won't, depending on how you want this line to sound.
The memory they brand in me when
Love takes you, like a zephyr eh. zephyr seems a bit forced to slant rhyme with flower. maybe not intentional, but it doesn't sound too good.

A glass window, a handle, glass window seems a bit random. maybe theres a reason for the window and the flower? i just dont get it, sorry :[
A door that's locked away, but
Should the glass be shattered to
Love this Febuary nice two lines

So as I last carress my words so should it be 'caress my last words"? and caress is spelled wrong
You can see where I stand, I
Hope that you become the bird that i just dont get this. bird?? again very random ...
You had never planned


pretty good, i like the way you use the love theme :]
#3

A valentine, a love note,
A mockery I make myself, but
Do the stains of red stand for
Love or loss of heart
A lot of alliteration in this opening stanza but it sounds pretty good. I would take out 'but' in the second line though. The last two lines are really good. Overall, this is a pretty strong opening.

An offering, a feeling,
A temptation that is forbidden, but
Do the eyes of Gods believe that
Love or lust are in these cards
A little bit religious? Kind of weird. The second line seems a little long so I would change 'that is' to 'that's' and maybe take out 'but' again.

A tommorow, a flower,
A boundary I shalt not cross
The memory they brand in me when
Love takes you, like a zephyr
'Tommorow' should be 'tomorrow' but I think that 'a tomorrow' is a little strange. Using 'shalt' doesn't really seem to fit. I don't really know what a zephyr is so I can't really say much about the last two lines. This stanza was okay, but not nearly as good as the first.

A glass window, a handle,
A door that's locked away, but
Should the glass be shattered to
Love this Febuary
Flow is extremely... disjointed? Inconsistent. 'Febuary' should be 'February'. Also, you've kind of switched topics. The other stanzas start off talking about valentine gifts and now this is talking about a window? Just didn't quite like this.

So as I last carress my words so
You can see where I stand, I
Hope that you become the bird that
You had never planned
'Carress' should be 'caress'. The first line doesn't make sense at all. I get the idea that you've worked into this stanza but it wasn't executed that well. Words are kind of jumbled together, seems like you just tried to finish this quickly or you tried to force yourself to make an ending. I also don't like how the first three lines are incomplete, ending in 'so', ',I', and 'that'. You could easily move those words to the next line without changing the flow or rhythm that much.


Hope I wasn't too harsh. Pretty good idea, strong opening, but the rest was just 'eh' for me. Revise, work a little bit on this, and I'd love to see it when it's really done. Keep writing and hopefully this crit helps you.