#1
Hello everyone Just a note before I begin:
I kind of write in the suicidal/"emo" kind of style, so if you're not into that kind of thing, and just want to leave a hate comment, please don't post because it's just annoying and time wasting because I'm here for advice. And if you think I'm suicidal because I write like this, I'll just let you know that I'm perfectly happy, I just like making up stories I guess. Please crit, I'll return the favour just post a link
Cheers
bassgirl121

Knives Are Suicide In The Form Of Steel
Ever felt so alone
it eats away at your soul
I have
ever looked at a knife
and thought the end to my life
I have

Slowly disentegrating
increases my suffering
this needs to end now
my heart is the only sound
of life

Pre-Chorus

To understand my pain
is to feel it in your veins

Chorus

When everyone thinks you're lying
and you end up crying
you're in phase 1
when you feel so alone
and you're chilled to the bone
you're in phase 2
when you think of it as an escape route
and suicide thoughts are nothing new
you're almost at phase 4

So nobody cares
you still have your fears
to push you further
before you go
you have to know

Pre-Chorus
Chorus
Bass Solo

Bridge

You never noticed me
until you heard my scream

Chorus
#2
You EMO!!!

Whatever, if that's what you're into, then good for you.
I'd change the whole 'phase' thing, though. Kinda cheesy.
#4
Not my style, I wouldn't know.

At the very least though, refrain from numbering them.
#5
I have nothing against the whole suicide motif, if its done a way that describes the sincere level of pain someone is in to take their own life. I honestly don't think thats the case here. It seemed very...I don't know why but I want to say 'skin-deep' here. Theres just nothing...personal.

That said, its very cliche. Most of the things you say here are no longer deep and profound because they've been said by everyone else. This isn't helped all by your AABB rhyme scheme...don't be afraid to deviate from it. I think it could do wonders for this piece.

All in all I think you could make this a lot better. Think on it. My personal advice, think of a metaphor. for suicide. You don't even have to put it in the piece, but it can help you develop some nice imagery. But thats just what I do and I know everyone has their own style, so, good luck.
#6
The title needs to go. Knives as a sign of suicide is such a cliché image it's actually above cliché. Same goes with daggers/back-stab and betrayal.
#7
Quote by bassgirl121
Knives Are Suicide In The Form Of Steel
Ever felt so alone
it eats away at your soul
I have
ever looked at a knife
and thought the end to my life
I have

You've used "your" in the second line, but "my" in the 5th line.

Slowly disentegrating
increases my suffering
this needs to end now
my heart is the only sound
of life

When I read the last two lines the first word that I thought of was "cute" , although can I suggest you change "sound" to "sign"?
Pre-Chorus

To understand my pain
is to feel it in your veins

Chorus

When everyone thinks you're lying
and you end up crying
you're in phase 1
when you feel so alone
and you're chilled to the bone
you're in phase 2
when you think of it as an escape route
and suicide thoughts are nothing new
you're almost at phase 4

Seems OK, but I don't like the phase thing. Also, what happened to phase 3?

So nobody cares
you still have your fears
to push you further
before you go
you have to know

the last line seems to be left hanging. "you have to know" what?

Pre-Chorus
Chorus
Bass Solo

Bridge

You never noticed me
until you heard my scream

Chorus


Seems to flow OK. Can't really say much else...

Check out "Gloucester Road" if you're feeling critical
#8
give her a break fellas!

no offence suicide lady, but the lines are kinda shor, dont you think?
they need more substance so that the song get some good weight.
#9
Thanks alot guys I really need to work on it, ^ I like being critted, I don't need special treatment, thanks though. Thanks for the advice
#11
Quote by bassgirl121

Knives Are Suicide In The Form Of Steel
Ever felt so alone
it eats away at your soul
I have
ever looked at a knife
and thought the end to my life
I have

i have felt this and i have though this is a bit to bland. or cliche. it is common lines for im depressed life sucks. im gonna kill myself lines. feeling alone. and evolving knives.


Slowly disintegrating
increases my suffering
this needs to end now
my heart is the only sound
of life

my heart is the only sound of life makes sense but it just doesnt feel right.
Pre-Chorus

To understand my pain
is to feel it in your veins

still slowing down the flowing momentum.

Chorus

When everyone thinks you're lying
and you end up crying
you're in phase 1
when you feel so alone
and you're chilled to the bone
you're in phase 2
when you think of it as an escape route
and suicide thoughts are nothing new
you're almost at phase 4


phases were a big no. and i know it says almost at phase 4 which means you are getting to it you should have gone to 3. this has no feeling of emotion. its not selling and you gotta sell it.


So nobody cares
you still have your fears
to push you further
before you go
you have to know

this was actually confusing pushing fears. not to much description in this. and nobody cares cause this person is a poser? what is the reason. never understood why. or what is wrong completly


Pre-Chorus
Chorus
Bass Solo

Bridge

You never noticed me
until you heard my scream

cliche.

Chorus


the colors and posting in the song is cause im lazy.

this song was okay. it flowed okay. but stopped upped at some points. it was all very cliche. and we never knew enough information on this suicidal feelings this person is suffering from. also it is very short. the chorus isnt supposed to be extremely longer than the verses.

i think my stuffs more emo... crit when you can. also you can choose. its in my sig. preferably black widow.
blemonese of the Bass Militia, PM Nutter_101 to join
Quote by camhussynec
Its like getting anal for the first time. It hurts like hell but eventully ull get used to it and itll feel fine

Thanks for nothing
#12
Cool, I didn't really expect good comments either, I know it's bad that's why I posted it. And yeah, I know some people write alot darker than I do, so good for them (not sarcastic) thanks.
Last edited by bassgirl121 at Feb 14, 2008,
#13
Quote by bassgirl121

Knives Are Suicide In The Form Of Steel
Ever felt so alone
it eats away at your soul
I have
ever looked at a knife
and thought the end to my life
I have

Good Flow

Slowly disentegrating
increases my suffering
this needs to end now
my heart is the only sound
of life

sp: disintegrating; It felt like the 'my heart is the only sound' line is too forced

Pre-Chorus

To understand my pain
is to feel it in your veins
A bit cliche
Chorus

When everyone thinks you're lying
and you end up crying
you're in phase 1
when you feel so alone
and you're chilled to the bone
you're in phase 2
when you think of it as an escape route
and suicide thoughts are nothing new
you're almost at phase 4

The guide to emo? -- Hah, It was an interesting read, however I was trying to think of how it would sound in a song with that "Phase #" and i couldn't think of any melody that didn't sound cheezy...

So nobody cares
you still have your fears
to push you further
before you go
you have to know

It made me want to know, so thats a good thing

Pre-Chorus
Chorus
Bass Solo
Gosh, I do love bass solos
Bridge

You never noticed me
until you heard my scream
Scary


I'm not into emo, but I just looked at it as poetry anyways. I'm not sure because I don't write this style of music, but It did sound a pretty cliche. But thinking about it, I think this is one of the more difficult genre to write really original stuff for.

I personally liked the other one of your lyrics much much more (My Chaos i think was the name)
I'm not trying to be a dick or anything, just giving my honest opinions.

If you get a chance could you crit my new one
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=786828
70's Japan Greco SuperPower
Amps: '65 TRRI - Peavey Classic 50 4x10 - Epiphone VJ Head (Modded) - 2x12 Celestion Greenback Cab
FX: BK Tube Driver - EH Small Stone - MXR CC
Acoustics: Breedlove ADSM20 - Alveraz 5021 12-String
#14
I don't care if you sound like a dick, be honest. And I know this is crap so I don't mind it being ripped to shreds, for that matter any of my stuff because it's all crap. Thanks though.
#15
Ok, first the good parts. I dont think its as bad as you think it is. Yes, it could use A LOT of work, but its not so horribly awful that it cant be fixed. I liked the rawness of it.

Now for the not so good parts. Yes, it was extremey cliche. Yes, the phase thing was awkward, and, yes, there was no imagery. BUT, this can be changed without too much difficulty.

Like thomasoman said, think of a good metaphor for suicide. It would make this song so much better and way more original. I can't think of anything at this moment, but if i happen to stumble upon one, i'll let you know. Also, for the chorus, take out all the lines with the phases and then either at the end of the chorus or the end of the song, think of one or two lines that can pull all those ideas into one. I mean some up what they stand for or mean. I think it would really make the song interesting. My last word of advice, the second verse needs more. There's just not enough. How about dedicating a stanza or two to explaining why this person is feeling so depressed. But, do this using only metaphor. It will be much more helpful and make the song so much better.

I didn't hate this song, but it wasn't perfect. I enjoyed your others much more than this one, but I still liked this one.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=811451 <song for crit.
The song wasnt bad, it could just use a little work.


P.S. Not all of your stuff is crap. You have a great writing style.
#16
this, i guess, is SORT OF the form in which i write, also.
so, i know what you're saying here. :]
good piece, overall.

take out the phase things.
and the "i have" things in the first few lines.
overall, it seems pretty good.
it doesn't have a flow problem whatsoever. :]
#18
I thought it had ok flow, but lots of errors, not the apropriate mood for a bass solo in my opinion... have you ever thought of wrighting a traditional "Oy"punk song, bass solos are almost manditory.