#1
This is rock, any genre, whatever you feel it should be. Probably hardcore.. Read, like, crit, and I'll do the same.


Started with a cry
"Oh, how sly,"
Was the message sent to my
Weathered convent
And the sun rose
As killed were those
Who themselves chose
Such an unenviable fate

Fading into nothingness
Laughter ringing so mirthless
Yelling until our lungs start failing
And singing songs with no melody

"Don't mourn for me,
My brothers that's all I ask
Leave me with an unmarked grave
So that my memory may pass
The shame I brought to dark to speak
I'll rot in hell for eternity."

The sun didn't rise the next day
And a terrible sound reverberated
All across the plains it was heard
No one spoke even after it passed
For they all knew
They knew...

We're all going to hell
We're all going to hell
We're all going to hell
We're all going to hell
#2
Quote by CzwtheMerph
This is rock, any genre, whatever you feel it should be. Probably hardcore.. Read, like, crit, and I'll do the same.


Started with a cry
"Oh, how sly,"
Was the message sent to my
Weathered convent
And the sun rose
As killed were those
Who themselves chose
Such an unenviable fate

As strange as this is...I really like this, alot. Although, I'd change the second line or both the first and second, because they're just too similar.

Fading into nothingness
Laughter ringing so mirthless
Yelling until our lungs start failing
And singing songs with no melody

Not much wrong here, but..."fading into ________" ; I think you shoudl replace nothingness with another word, as nothingness seems kind of vague to me.

"Don't mourn for me,
My brothers that's all I ask
Leave me with an unmarked grave
So that my memory may pass
The shame I brought to dark to speak
I'll rot in hell for eternity."

Mint. This is great; don't change anything. Maybe a comma after "my brothers"?

The sun didn't rise the next day
And a terrible sound reverberated
All across the plains it was heard
No one spoke even after it passed
For they all knew
They knew...

Please look at fixing "reverberated", as it cut off any flow I had. Either than, it's not bad.
We're all going to hell
We're all going to hell
We're all going to hell
We're all going to hell

LOL. I assume being a hardcore song, this is screamed or something. It's good; have it sung like "Mr. Jack" by SoaD; right at the end..."F*** you pigs, f*** you pigs, F*** you pigs, and then right on the last line just shriek.


Overall, really good effort. I think you should put music to this, sir. Although not a fan of hardcore, I like this.

If you aren't busy, take a look at either my Untitled poem in my sig (newest) or perhaps "At Mind's End" if you want, 'cause I've been thinking of going back and revising it, but I need another opinion.

Mark