#1
I wrote this a couple of days before Unspoken Tides which everyone who reviewed it seemed to really like. I was therefore a little reluctant to post this as I think Unspoken Tides is pretty much as good as my writing is going to get and it's set my bar pretty high.

This is a different approach to my writing though, more of a story than a list of emotions - a story of an evening I spent last year.

Anyway, Crit4Crit - if I owe you a critque then PM me and I'll sort it out


Gloucester Road


How we stumbled upon such a place is unknown,
But we didn’t stay long and I doubt we’ll return.
The long walk that we made to that West Country place,
Showed a step in the dark isn’t always that great.

It’s a place where the leopard-skin clothes and pink hair
Meet the wood-panelled walls and the smells in the air;
The Its initial allure was replaced by a lack
Of atmosphere, of warmth and the of style to attract.

We moved on from the panels, the locals and soaks
To a house more refined, more relaxed and I spoke
To she who was with me all along on that day;
The Our intentions was were clear for this tryst far away.

In this niche that was found many things were being said
Of the our hopes and of our dreams for the future and yet
Revelations were clear, true feelings were shown;
There were thoughts left unsaid but those things weren’t unknown.

As we left that new place on our fall back to rest,
That long walk was too far as my soles would attest.
So I hailed down a cab and instructed its path,
To return to the safety and warmth of my heart.

What we finally found in that West Country place,
Showed a step in the dark can sometimes be great.



EDIT: Currently reviewing the very last line, but waiting for some inspiration

EDIT 2: Completely rewrote the last two lines to "borrow" a modified section from the first stanza.
Last edited by osbourd2 at Feb 20, 2008,
#2
First thing I noticed as I was reading this was that it flowed really well when simply spoken. I found that I was reading it much like a sonnet, with a lot of the lines iambic in rhythm, so perhaps shortening the lines slightly, it could turn into a pretty decent sonnet. I noticed the enjambment as well, but before I had noticed it, I kept pausing slightly at the end of the line before realising I could have carried on, although there isn't really much anyone can do about it, we just have to read it twice.

Leopard skin and wood panelled should both be hyphenated. Nothing else I can see grammatically and saying that I shall end my crit.
#3
How we stumbled upon such a place is unknown,
But we didn’t stay long and I doubt we’ll return.
The long walk that we made to that West Country place,
Showed a step in the dark isn’t always that great.

I was quite touched by this opening, it's quaint, non-offensive to any reader and paints a great little picture. The subtlety of the language is really refreshing for me. The syllable count helped the flow no end. Great little opening, perhaps this is a little gem I have discovered.

It’s a place where the leopard skin clothes and pink hair
Meet the wood panelled walls and the smells in the air;
The initial allure was replaced by a lack
Of atmosphere, of warmth and the style to attract.

Too many 'the's' used in the 2md and 3rd lines. Toy with the lines a little and you'll find a solution. I think you meant "paneled" (daemonika is also right, they should be hyphenated) I wasn't keen on using 'of' only twice, 3 creates a nice rhythm, one is missed but two is one too many and one too little, imo anyway.

We moved on from the panels, the locals and soaks
To a house more refined, more relaxed and I spoke
To she who was with me all along on that day;
The intention was clear for this tryst far away.

The last line felt forced to me, just altered for the rhyme which actually took a lot away from the piece for me. It was going really well and that was a slight let down. L1 and L2 were great btw.

In this niche that was found many things were being said
Of the hopes and of dreams for the future and yet
Revelations were clear, true feelings were shown;
There were thoughts left unsaid but those things weren’t unknown.

Hmm L2 seems slightly awkward - like you've removed the 'the' before 'dreams' if you're gonna do it this way omit the 'of' before it too. Then add the syllable elsewhere, your call ofc. The last 2 lines were very well written.

As we left that new place on our fall back to rest,
That long walk was too far as my soles would attest.
So I hailed down a car and instructed its path,
To return to the safety and warmth of my heart.

Didn't like L1 - the second half fell flat on it's face imo, the natural language was replaced with a wordy, struggling phrase that tainted a lot of what the line was trying to say. L2 salvages it though - attest was beautifully placed. Perhaps say 'cab' in L3, idk, it's ambiguous content so I should let your judgment prevail there. I'm not sure the ending is strong enough either, don't get me wrong, it was effective, BUT it didn;t really sow it all up as I would have liked. The 'heart' isn't defined in any capacity previously so for us, it could be amongst a goat herd, y'know...now, replace 'my heart' with a specific place and maybe that would be a different story.

Overall though, I really like this. I will be back. I also have to note here, I personally feel as though this was better than the other you mention. I am all for heightened diction (trust me ) but the other piece felt clumsy; this was strong, clean and crisp was my first impression.

It might not be my usual style but the piece titled 2047 is my latest and I'd appreciate a comment if you get the time.

peACE
Steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Feb 14, 2008,
#4
Quote by osbourd2
I wrote this a couple of days before Unspoken Tides which everyone who reviewed it seemed to really like. I was therefore a little reluctant to post this as I think Unspoken Tides is pretty much as good as my writing is going to get and it's set my bar pretty high.

This is a different approach to my writing though, more of a story than a list of emotions - a story of an evening I spent last year.

Anyway, Crit4Crit - if I owe you a critque then PM me and I'll sort it out


Gloucester Road


How we stumbled upon such a place is unknown,
But we didn’t stay long and I doubt we’ll return.
The long walk that we made to that West Country place,
Showed a step in the dark isn’t always that great.

I like the intro; it hooks the reader. Full of intrigue.

It’s a place where the leopard skin clothes and pink hair
Meet the wood panelled walls and the smells in the air;
The initial allure was replaced by a lack
Of atmosphere, of warmth and the style to attract.

Very vivid description here. Repulsive house, this is.


We moved on from the panels, the locals and soaks
To a house more refined, more relaxed and I spoke
To she who was with me all along on that day;
The intention was clear for this tryst far away.

What's a soak? The rest is clear and well. So far, so good.

In this niche that was found many things were being said
Of the hopes and of dreams for the future and yet
Revelations were clear, true feelings were shown;
There were thoughts left unsaid but those things weren’t unknown.

I would remove "the" before "hopes" and drops the plural so it's just "hope and dreams"...etc. Either than that, good.

As we left that new place on our fall back to rest,
That long walk was too far as my soles would attest.
So I hailed down a car and instructed its path,
To return to the safety and warmth of my heart.

I don't really like line 3. Instructed its path sound too rigid, or automated. If you change that (don't have to, obviously) then I am thinking this will be really good.


Is this a poem or song? Please say song. If you add a chorus in there, it would be a bloody brilliant piece of easy listening. Kudos to you my friend, this is real good.

If you have time, check my untitled poem in my sig. Thanks.

Mark
#5
Thanks for the crits guys - always nice to get good feedback I've made a few changes which I think reflect some of what you've said, and will probably make a few more when I get hit with some inspiration.

"Soaks" is slang term for a heavy drinker or a drunk, although it may be a UK thing - as is the double L in panelled.

I've never been that good a writing a chorus, otherwise I would say this is a song. At the moment though it's just some prose that I may look to modify into a song in the future.
#6
Gloucester Road


How we stumbled upon such a place is unknown,
But we didn’t stay long and I doubt we’ll return.
The long walk that we made to that West Country place,
Showed a step in the dark isn’t always that great.

Instantly as a reader I am interested. Your mind is automatically asking questions. As a reader your not confused just curious as to things like why won't you come back and how did you get there. Good Intro.

It’s a place where the leopard-skin clothes and pink hair
Meet the wood-panelled walls and the smells in the air;
Its initial allure was replaced by a lack
Of atmosphere, of warmth and of style to attract.

Odd place to be it seems. Paints a picture, but leaves the reader to fill in the details really. While you don't say alot you say enough. Gives the reader some freedom and still gets your point accross.

We moved on from the panels, the locals and soaks
To a house more refined, more relaxed and I spoke
To she who was with me all along on that day;
Our intentions were clear for this tryst far away.

Had to read your response to know what a soak was but I was close on my guess. I like it. The transition of local was especially smooth. I had to look up "tryst." always nice to learn a new word. The intro to the other character had great wording.

In this niche that was found many things were being said
Of our hopes and our dreams for the future and yet
Revelations were clear, true feelings were shown;
There were thoughts left unsaid but those things weren’t unknown.

I like this after your revisions. Flow is awsome

As we left that new place on our fall back to rest,
That long walk was too far as my soles would attest.
So I hailed down a cab and instructed its path,
To return to the safety and warmth of my heart.

Don't really care for the 3rd line. To modern? to mundane? I don't know I just don't care for it. Maybe its a bit forced. The 4th line is also not clicking like the rest of the piece.


Overall once again a great piece. It really draws you in as a reader. The story line is truthfully not even all that interesting, however, you bring it to life and make something out of it. So therefore makeing this piece worth reading.

There was nothing to dislike about this piece until the last two lines. They were a bit of a let down. I think a revision there and then this piece would be fantastic.

If I were to change anything to the piece overall I would prolly stick in a stanza or two simply filling in more details as to what is going on, the local, the people, and the surroundings in general.

Great Piece
- Ryan
#7
Its well written and flows well. There's not much to crit that hasn't already been fixed.
Quote by uncle_jimmy
not only do you like the beatles you're amazing. i love you.
#8
You've revised it well and it's a good structured piece.

I think your last line is dissapointing to be honest, it's expected, need something slightly humerous maybe just to set an unexpected tone.

"And now there's no need for a new pair of shoes"

I also didn't understand "soaks" at first, but now see how effective it is.

I read
Our intentions were clear for this tryst far away.

as

Our intentions were clear for this tryst is far away.

I don't know, I feel it flows better, but I'm not sure.

Overall, really solid piece, just work on that ending, it's reasonably weak and a little bit of a let down.

Please crit mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=787956

thanks, Martin
#9
There isnt much more i can say about the piece that everyone else has not already pointed out, but i really liked this piece it is brilliant i love they you have told the story. I can feel you painting the picture to us and i like the way everything just flows together its is very well written.congrats.

Please crit my piece.
a brand new smile
#10
Quote by martinb
You've revised it well and it's a good structured piece.

I think your last line is dissapointing to be honest, it's expected, need something slightly humerous maybe just to set an unexpected tone.


Thanks for the continued suggestions. I've scrapped the last two lines and used a modified section from the first stanza to try and wrap it all up, although I'm still not completely happy with the last line. Ho hum - I'll get there in the end.
#11
i really prefer this to "Unspoken tides"
it reminds me of thomas hardy writings.
it trudges along, which makes me wonder whether or not it is meant to be sad.
its nostalgic, and as mentioned, like hardy...
I get the feeling that not all is well.
?

Please read and comment mine if you get time; i'd love to know what you think.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=791480
#12
Don't think I forgot about this. I don't have any time right now to get to it right now. I will as soon as I can.
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know
#13
This is a great piece, I don't have time to give it the full crit it deserves at the moment but you can bet I'll be back as soon as possible.
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#14
I'm glad you've revised the last two lines; as it was said, they did sound a little too out of place. Just wait until that line comes to you. Then it shall be an amazing piece of material. (Although it already is)
#15
Quote by osbourd2

Gloucester Road

How we stumbled upon such a place is unknown,
But we didn’t stay long and I doubt we’ll return.
The long walk that we made to that West Country place,
Showed a step in the dark isn’t always that great.
Good opening, I particularly liked the last two lines. I think that the second line could use a bit more impact though.

It’s a place where the leopard-skin clothes and pink hair
Meet the wood-panelled walls and the smells in the air;
The Its initial allure was replaced by a lack
Of atmosphere, of warmth and the of style to attract.
The "of atmosphere" seems to interrupt the flow in this stanza.

We moved on from the panels, the locals and soaks
To a house more refined, more relaxed and I spoke
To she who was with me all along on that day;
The Our intentions was were clear for this tryst far away.
Really good.

In this niche that was found many things were being said
Of the our hopes and of our dreams for the future and yet
Revelations were clear, true feelings were shown;
There were thoughts left unsaid but those things weren’t unknown.
Perfect, thoroughly enjoyable.

As we left that new place on our fall back to rest,
That long walk was too far as my soles would attest.
So I hailed down a cab and instructed its path,
To return to the safety and warmth of my heart.

What we finally found in that West Country place,
Showed a step in the dark can sometimes be great.

Loved the connection to the first stanza, probably my favourite stanza from this piece.



Good work. I quite enjoyed this piece. Sorry for taking so long to get back to you but I haven't been in the mood.
I think you need to work on giving impact with every line, it wasn't really an even coverage but still was a great piece. Keep working at it
#16
I was therefore a little reluctant to post this as I think Unspoken Tides is pretty much as good as my writing is going to get and it's set my bar pretty high.

Ok, so first comment of the day from me, I prefer this to Unspoken Tides, and I doubt that this is as good as you're going to get. As an afternote, I'm sorry I didn't get back to this sooner as I promised

Gloucester Road

Title seems ok, although I must say I've never been a big fan of locations or place names in titles, but thats my opinion only.


How we stumbled upon such a place is unknown,
But we didn’t stay long and I doubt we’ll return.
The long walk that we made to that West Country place,
Showed a step in the dark isn’t always that great.

Nice opening verse, really enjoyed the lack of rhyming structure in this (even though I love rhyming structures) simply because you made up for it with the amazing powerful images you were conjuring and the scene you're painting. I can vividly imagine someone walking down a lonely path in the darkness.

It’s a place where the leopard-skin clothes and pink hair
Meet the wood-panelled walls and the smells in the air;
The Its initial allure was replaced by a lack
Of atmosphere, of warmth and the of style to attract.

Getting better still, I liked the opening verse but I like this one even more. Not only have you placed a great rhyming structure in which enhances the flow of the piece tenfold, but you've kept up the amazing imagery which kept me hooked at the start. Nice work.


We moved on from the panels, the locals and soaks
To a house more refined, more relaxed and I spoke
To she who was with me all along on that day;
The Our intentions was
were clear for this tryst far away.

I have to be honest and admit that after the first two verses I was a bit dissapointed and unaffected by this one. I think maybe the whole 'tryst far away' did it, because I suddenly lost the image I had formed and am left wondering what this 'tryst' is. Also, maybe it's just me but it seems like you rhymed soaks with spoke because at the time you couldn't think of anything other than that which would go well. This is a mistake you want to avoid, and is instantly visible to people reading it, and you want them to think that every word you use in here was intentional and not because you were out of options.


In this niche that was found many things were being said
Of the our hopes and of our dreams for the future and yet
Revelations were clear, true feelings were shown;
There were thoughts left unsaid but those things weren’t unknown.

If I said the other two were my favorite then I apologise, because this clearly is the best verse yet. You've brought back that intriguing rhyming pattern and the majority of images I had before. Nice job.

As we left that new place on our fall back to rest,
That long walk was too far as my soles would attest.
So I hailed down a cab and instructed its path,
To return to the safety and warmth of my heart.

What we finally found in that West Country place,
Showed a step in the dark can sometimes be great.


Nice ending verse. I enjoyed reading it, it resolves the issue you started with and explains your actions. The only thing I might be inclined to change if it were me, is the third line about the taxi, because I'm not entirely convinced the 'hailing a taxi to my heart' imagery works. Apart from that this was an excellent ending.

EDIT: Currently reviewing the very last line, but waiting for some inspiration

Don't change it!

QUOTE]

Overall I think this piece was very well written and has potential to be a great song, depending on what music you hope to put it to. Also the qualm I had about the third verse I think I now change my mind on, because if you'd carried on in that manner with the rest of the song yes it would have ruined it IMHO, but you didn't you brought back that rhyming scheme and imagery which worked so well, therefore the change in the middle is great, because it is unexpected and just when the person reading thinks the rest of the song will be mediocre you jump back into the good structure you started with (long sentance I know!!).

Would be really grateful if you would take a look at either of the songs in my sig, and if you want to, both.

Cheers,

Dan
BECOME A FAN!

DISCO IS DEAD!

Quote by Minkaro
(Repeat until audience is driven mad)


Quote by Zeppo
Wait a minute. Your telling me your gf is related to 'The' Robert Plant?!
#17
Quote by Driveshaft Dan
I was therefore a little reluctant to post this as I think Unspoken Tides is pretty much as good as my writing is going to get and it's set my bar pretty high.

Ok, so first comment of the day from me, I prefer this to Unspoken Tides, and I doubt that this is as good as you're going to get. As an afternote, I'm sorry I didn't get back to this sooner as I promised

Gloucester Road

Title seems ok, although I must say I've never been a big fan of locations or place names in titles, but thats my opinion only.


How we stumbled upon such a place is unknown,
But we didn’t stay long and I doubt we’ll return.
The long walk that we made to that West Country place,
Showed a step in the dark isn’t always that great.

Nice opening verse, really enjoyed the lack of rhyming structure in this (even though I love rhyming structures) simply because you made up for it with the amazing powerful images you were conjuring and the scene you're painting. I can vividly imagine someone walking down a lonely path in the darkness.

It’s a place where the leopard-skin clothes and pink hair
Meet the wood-panelled walls and the smells in the air;
The Its initial allure was replaced by a lack
Of atmosphere, of warmth and the of style to attract.

Getting better still, I liked the opening verse but I like this one even more. Not only have you placed a great rhyming structure in which enhances the flow of the piece tenfold, but you've kept up the amazing imagery which kept me hooked at the start. Nice work.


We moved on from the panels, the locals and soaks
To a house more refined, more relaxed and I spoke
To she who was with me all along on that day;
The Our intentions was
were clear for this tryst far away.

I have to be honest and admit that after the first two verses I was a bit dissapointed and unaffected by this one. I think maybe the whole 'tryst far away' did it, because I suddenly lost the image I had formed and am left wondering what this 'tryst' is. Also, maybe it's just me but it seems like you rhymed soaks with spoke because at the time you couldn't think of anything other than that which would go well. This is a mistake you want to avoid, and is instantly visible to people reading it, and you want them to think that every word you use in here was intentional and not because you were out of options.


In this niche that was found many things were being said
Of the our hopes and of our dreams for the future and yet
Revelations were clear, true feelings were shown;
There were thoughts left unsaid but those things weren’t unknown.

If I said the other two were my favorite then I apologise, because this clearly is the best verse yet. You've brought back that intriguing rhyming pattern and the majority of images I had before. Nice job.

As we left that new place on our fall back to rest,
That long walk was too far as my soles would attest.
So I hailed down a cab and instructed its path,
To return to the safety and warmth of my heart.

What we finally found in that West Country place,
Showed a step in the dark can sometimes be great.


Nice ending verse. I enjoyed reading it, it resolves the issue you started with and explains your actions. The only thing I might be inclined to change if it were me, is the third line about the taxi, because I'm not entirely convinced the 'hailing a taxi to my heart' imagery works. Apart from that this was an excellent ending.

EDIT: Currently reviewing the very last line, but waiting for some inspiration

Don't change it!


Overall I think this piece was very well written and has potential to be a great song, depending on what music you hope to put it to. Also the qualm I had about the third verse I think I now change my mind on, because if you'd carried on in that manner with the rest of the song yes it would have ruined it IMHO, but you didn't you brought back that rhyming scheme and imagery which worked so well, therefore the change in the middle is great, because it is unexpected and just when the person reading thinks the rest of the song will be mediocre you jump back into the good structure you started with (long sentance I know!!).

Would be really grateful if you would take a look at either of the songs in my sig, and if you want to, both.

Cheers,

Dan


Weird, your post doesn't show up in my browser - I think it's got itself confused with the quote in quotes.

The taxi line has gone from the last stanza by the way - I'd "struck" it through, but it must have still been visible when you quoted.

My comment about editing the last line applied to the "warmth of my heart" line which I struck out along with the taxi line
#18
Quote by osbourd2



Gloucester Road


How we stumbled upon such a place is unknown,
But we didn’t stay long and I doubt we’ll return.
The long walk that we made to that West Country place,
Showed a step in the dark isn’t always that great.

Hmm...I like it. Except the word place, it seems out of place, no pun intended. Maybe "retreat" and it would kinda fit in with the subtle rhyme you had in the first two lines.


It’s a place where the leopard-skin clothes and pink hair
Meet the wood-panelled walls and the smells in the air;
The Its initial allure was replaced by a lack
Of atmosphere, of warmth and the of style to attract.

like the imagery, and the enjambment. So far I like whats going on and the flow is good.

We moved on from the panels, the locals and soaks
To a house more refined, more relaxed and I spoke
To she who was with me all along on that day;
The Our intentions was were clear for this tryst far away.

Again I like this stanza, the imagery is there again, and so is the flow. Has a classical story feel to it.

In this niche that was found many things were being said
Of the our hopes and of our dreams for the future and yet
Revelations were clear, true feelings were shown;
There were thoughts left unsaid but those things weren’t unknown.

Nothing much to be said about this. It all seems just about right.

As we left that new place on our fall back to rest,
That long walk was too far as my soles would attest.
So I hailed down a cab and instructed its path,
To return to the safety and warmth of my heart.

What we finally found in that West Country place,
Showed a step in the dark can sometimes be great.


Nice ending, leading all back to the mysterious beginning and most importantly summing it all up. Good stuff.




I like that the flow stayed strong through the whole piece. Liked the imagery. And like the ending, I liked how to made more sense to the beginning. Well for me at least, I really didn't get the beginning, I knew I liked it, it had a enigmatic feel to it. and the end summed it up. Good stuff again. Sorry for the LATE LATE LATE LATE crit. But I haven't had time
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know