#1
a quick write that i did in class, and i have trouble giving these sort of things a title, so disregard the one i posted. let me know what you think.

the family of the taken back
in tears appears is wanting that
which ripped away was never theirs
that which we lose in equal shares
could never multiply to more
could never multiply to more
always the same sunrise again
the now equivalent to then
was carefully planned for long ago
lifelines don't extend they grow

wash their minds of darkened scenes
might not be what they think it means
lifelines don't extend they grow
was once is what you'll always know
Last edited by crossroads07 at Mar 14, 2008,
#5
I owe you a crit as I think you left some comments on one of my pieces, so here goes.

Quote by crossroads07
the family of the taken back
in tears appears is wanting that "tears appears" works well
which ripped away was never theirs
that which we lose in equal shares
could never multiply to more
could never multiply to more
always the sunrise same again this line feels a little awkward. Can I suggest moving the "always" to after "sunrise", i.e. "the sunrise: always the same again"?
the now equivalent to then This is a well constructed line - the words fit together really well. I felt I had to pronounce each syllable of "equivalent" to keep the flow though - I guess that's the challenge of using 4 syllable words
was carefully planned for long ago
no such thing as letting go Rhyming "ago" with "go" didn't match the quality of the other rhymes in the piece.
lifelines don't extend they grow

wash their minds of darkened scenes
might not be what they think it means
lifelines don't extend they grow
was once is what you'll always know


The flow and rhymes work really well. The enjambment of the lines is a little tough to read in places but with a little thought it works out ok - the first 2 lines for example. I guess a little punctuation may help that though.