#1
Just found out my struggling alcoholic grandfather passed away at 4:30 today. Enjoy.

Vernon Collins, My Grandfather

Synapse, coming over through
blue wires, tangled in his head,
pickled liver sitting in his chest, petty
words mesh with the sitting air, Vernon lost
eighty pounds before he died, drank his
bootlegged moonshine. Never thought about
his eight children, Ruby Ann cried and cried;
Sat there for three days by his side,
With Joyce, his ex-wife.

I was eating Beeforoni, when she called,
a half step between the fault line and the
fence. Never mind the tangents between my
cough, soft spoken with vocal knots. I've had
my food smell so rabid, ugly things now, looking
at my hands. My hands, with bones and muscles
inside, with veins and blood. A whole machine city,
sitting inside.
"Your papaw died."
"Oh..."
"4:30, I've been with him for three days."
"Are you okay?"
"It's been rough, but he said he loves you."
"Yeah..."

I don't remember much after that, an after thought
while I saw my body, not as an extension of my
personality, but for what it really was, an organic
machine, and I put down my fork.
"Excuse me."
I went to my room and I started jogging.
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Last edited by Something_Vague at Feb 13, 2008,
#3
i'm really sorry about your loss, hun.

i don't have much in the way of a crit, i like it the way it is. just a couple things:

I've had
my food smell so rabid, ugly things now, looking
at my hands.


this sentence made absolutely no sense to me. is there a word missing, or am i just stupid??

and the last line, i think if you took out the first 'and' it would read a lot better.

be well.
ray
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#4
No it's just a oddly worded sentence, I tried bringing some surrealism into the piece by wording some sentences slightly off.

Thank you both.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#5
I went old skool S&L on this and actually read it out loud. You have an amazing sense for flow and some subtle internal rhymes in here were just pure gold.
I really liked the first stanza. You set the scene well, your reader is immediately there. Some of the adjectives you used were great ('bootlegged moonshine'and 'sitting air' come to mind).
The second stanza was something else. Your descriptions were great as always, but I guess I just didn't really like the ideas you put forward. I'm mainly talking about the 'machine' idea here. I'm not saying it's bad (not at all), but it just didn't really grab my attention. Now, apart from me not liking the idea, I still think you did quite a good job in expanding on it and wrapping it up nicely in the last lines.
I liked the conversation part. It kind of strayed away from the descriptions and images and really confronted the reader. I immediately recognised it and it really brought back feelings I had hidden away somewhere in the back of my mind.

Overall, you did a good job; certainly not your best, but it works. I hope you're alright btw, I'm sorry for your loss.

Thanks for the comment on mine; I got my (bad) grades back today and you made my day, lol.
Last edited by phantom1 at Feb 15, 2008,
#6
I liked it, Matt. I went through almost the same thing 15 days ago, so it really spoke to me.

The only thing I didn't like was beefaroni. It didn't add anything and disturbed the read. If you would have had other elements with a similar purpose I wouldn't have minded but as it is now I really would do without it.

Good writing, keep your head high.
Thoughts to your family. Hopefully that'll bring them together, not the opposite like it often does.
#7
I really liked it. A couple of things i didnt like: "beefaroni" i guess i doesnt really matter what you were eating, and the word itself is too wierd so it kinda sticks out. (actually that was the only thing)
I liked the way u described what seemes like numbness, (or not knowing what to do perhaps?) Seeing your body like a machine.
And i also liked the whole first stanza, how u basically describe what happened.
Very well done, sorry i couldnt say much. Also, i'm sorry for your loss.

If u have time theres something in my sig, i'd appreciate it.
#10
What i've to say is that i really enjoyed this. I really liked the way you combined the thought of the human body in a crossover between youth, machines and age, food. I'm not sure if this was your intentions or not, likely not, but i really felt it when i read it. There was one wording that i didn't really enjoy and that was "my food smell so rabid", surely you can rephrase that.

"Never mind the tangents between my cough, soft spoken with vocal knots." That was my favorite, well done with that.

I enjoyed this and i'm sorry about what happened to your father.

PS: Can you have a read at 'Given' to see if it evocates anything in you.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Feb 16, 2008,