#1
Hi people, THis is our First attempt at a song ever, so any constructive criticism would be appreciated. Also Help on how match it to the music would be good too, There is music written for it, its a clean channel intro with mild chorus and reverb, then stomped into a Pretty thrashy Riff ,

Static Dreams

By NR & IJ ©2008

Static Dreams
V#1
Scattered images and unbearable words
they are eating my insides,
THese scars, Oh they just won't heal
Tearing me apart, I just can't run away

Chorus
Never again, the future is near
Sleeping in the realm of yesterday
So look up, let it go
and see what tomorrow has to bring

V#2
Like parasites in my veins
draining my life away
your words are so cold
they drown my thoughts
destroying all that is left in me

........

Never again, the future is over
Sleeping in the realm of yesterday
So look up, just let go, (just let it go)
and see what tomorrow has to bring

*Bridge*
So Condem this life
rotting and wasted
there is no evil
only those who chase it

Never again will you cut me out
RIpping away at my soul
never again will you hold me back
You can never break my dreams
#2
ok.. well i just tried to do a crit but i guess my computer cant handle quoting anymore or is anyone else having that problem?

anyways...

I like the first line and the second is good, but it sounds a little awkward, maybe make it "eating away at my insides". and the last two lines arent bad, but they are quite cliche.

for the chorus, the never again, doesnt really seem to fit, it kind of sounds like you just needed something to take up the space. I REALLY like the second line, great work. "So look up" seems a little out of space, why look up? the closer is nice, but watch cliche though it is fine as is.

the second stanza is great, keep it!

for the bridge, the first line is cliche and the secodn is iffy. But i like the last two a lot they are good(especially the last)

for the last stanza, the first line is borderline too cliche, but you would be fine w/ it like it is. The second line sounds kinda awkward, but maybe the way you sing it its not. the last two arent terrible, but your pushing cliche again, i feel ive heard them many times before. Maybe try to identify your situation/true conflict there as it isnt clear in the rest of the poem. Like who are you talking to and what did they do to you or what are you doing. you just said that you wont take it anymore and you wont let them hold you back a& your going to run away and thats all we know.

so theres my crit, not a bad piece at all, but once you polish it it'll be pretty good, but if the music is the focus, im sure you'd be fine now. good work, keep on writing! if you would crit one of mine they are in my sig, THANKS!
#3
Well, I guess the message we are trying to get across, is never give up , You dream big about amounting to something as a kid and then the world around you puts you in your place, but yet in your sleep, you still remember what you could have been, what you wish you amounted to. I hope i worded that right...... Its our first piece or work and it definitely isn't perfect, I appreciate all input and i feel the same about the piece as you, There are some very good, very heavy lines in there, They really hit our message, but there is definitely some fill lol

The line eating away at my insides needs some work but i like the tone of the message that line delivers,

Once again the Line Ripping away at my soul delivers what i ask, but soul doesn't fit right i agree,

It will be posted again sometime, when ever it gets revised, Thanks again
#4
There you go, my crit.

Quote by Madskillz9090
Static Dreams
V#1
Scattered images and unbearable words
they are eating my insides,
THese scars, Oh they just won't heal
Tearing me apart, I just can't run away

Nice opening ! But the "oh" feels wierd written, but maybe itll sound better with vocals.

Chorus
Never again, the future is near
Sleeping in the realm of yesterday
So look up, let it go
and see what tomorrow has to bring

Hmm, the first three lines are good, but somehow I think the 4th one doesn't flow well with the third one. =/

V#2
Like parasites in my veins
draining my life away
your words are so cold
they drown my thoughts
destroying all that is left in me

Nothing to say about this. it's good.

........

Never again, the future is over
Sleeping in the realm of yesterday
So look up, just let go, (just let it go)
and see what tomorrow has to bring

*see for previous chorus) The second Just let it go is a nice addition.

*Bridge*
So Condem this life
rotting and wasted
there is no evil
only those who chase it

Never again will you cut me out
RIpping away at my soul
never again will you hold me back
You can never break my dreams

Nice ending. The two last lines of the bridge seems a lil cliché but it's nice.


You can take a look at mine ?
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=786556