#1
I remember, I was seven
and waiting for the bus
to pick me up. My
mother was watching
me, peering through the half-pulled
curtain, turned tan with dust.

Me and my boots were standing
in the puddle from the
storm the night before,
the same one that kept
the dog awake and pacing
outside of my room.

Of course, my brother slept
through it. He sleeps through
everything. Once we were camping
in the Adirondack Mountains.
He slept through a bear throwing
orange juice at our tent.

I still had the taste
of toothpaste and orange juice
in my mouth – bitter like
I was. My socks had soaked
through and I still had
a long day ahead of me.


i guess i'll go crit for crit on this. that is probably for the best considering my last two things got no responses...
#2
The imagery is good and seems a decent story, if somewhat unengaging. I can't see much more depth to what you're saying. I also found the line breaks/mid-line end of sentences odd - it just seemed to disrupt the flow in my head, but I can't suggest a better way.

The bear and orange juice thing is slightly comical, but I can't see what your brother sleeping through it represents - if it's not a literal.

The orange juice and toothpaste simile is a good one though. In fact the last stanza is probably the best as the "wet socks for the rest of the day" sounds fairly metaphorical - I'm just not sure of what

Check out one of my threads if you're feeling critical.
#3
I like this part

He slept through a bear throwing
orange juice at our tent.

I still had the taste
of toothpaste and orange juice
in my mouth – bitter like
I was. My socks had soaked

But then the ending gets kinda bad, unfortunately. A good ending usually turns the story upside down or shock u in some way. Try working on that.
#4
Quote by uhh_me?

I remember, I was seven
and waiting for the bus
to pick me up. My
Not the best opening line ever. I don't get the line-breaks. I don't see the purpose of them. The line sets the scene but that's it, and it's quite a cliché scene too. Also, this brings up a couple of questions; what has your age to do with this? so you were still a kid, okay, but why seven? Because it sounded good? I like details in poetry but only when I see their purpose.
mother was watching
me, peering through the half-pulled
curtain, turned tan with dust.
'turned tan with dust' was good. I liked how it could almost be linked to the mother, instead of the curtain. 'half-pulled' was a bit weak.

Me and my boots were standing
in the puddle from the
'me and my boots' + 'puddle' = cute
storm the night before,
the same one that kept
the dog awake and pacing
outside of my room.
Quite a boring description of the storm. I like how it keeps up the cute atmosphere from the first two lines though.

Of course, my brother slept
through it. He sleeps through
everything. Once we were camping
The 'of course' annoyed me. There's no previous mention of your brother, so why of course? I mean, I can see how it works or how you wanted it to be, but it doesn't make sense how I'm reading it. I wish you would've continued with the bus thing.
in the Adirondack Mountains.
He slept through a bear throwing
orange juice at our tent.
I don't see the relevance here, really. The orange juice line just seems to be put in to make it sound good.

I still had the taste
of toothpaste and orange juice
in my mouth – bitter like
I was. My socks had soaked
through and I still had
a long day ahead of me.
Ah, back to you at the bus-stop. I liked the 'toothpaste and orange juice', lol, I know that taste >_< the 'bitter like I was' was great. Maybe change 'my socks had' to 'my socks were soaked', it sounds way better. I like the last line.



Not the best thing I've ever read around here, but it works. The stanza about your brother seemed totally irrelevant and I didn't like it. Overall, it was a good read, but there's still a lot you can work on. I mean, it's been done, you know?

check mine, please.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=786374