#1
We took the long way back home. I felt chills run down my spine; maybe it was just the bickering rain pouring all over the umbrella?

But I had my doubts.

“Where are we going?” I asked. “Even though we have the umbrella, you keep hogging the damn thing”.

She smiled. Whatever I was thinking of was suddenly absorbed by that moment. Her face lighted up the sky. My sky.

“What are you looking for?” I asked, my fingers brushed her soft golden hair.

“Wait, patience, patience, we’re almost there.” Her voice reassured me.

At last we reached a patch of grass, in the middle of the forest.
I was speechless. A single rose survived the continuous attacks and beatings of the weather. I dragged her clasping my hand in hers and came for a closer look, dropping the umbrella to the ground.

“We’re here.” She exclaimed, shaking in excitement. “Remember this? You planted it a month ago, I came up here to water it every so often.”

Of course I remembered, we had just started dating and I happened to have a few seeds in my jacket pocket. Of all I planted, this was the only one that bloomed. The only one.

______________

That's all I have till now but what eventually happens is they continue to be closer and closer for a few weeks, but one day the boy comes back and can't find the rose anymore. Bad Omen. He gets a call to his cellphone saying the girl was gunna die. Girl dies leaving him with an envelope. Inside the envelope read "To the only rose that bloomed" with the original rose inside.

Critiques please :P

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#2
i'm so sorry greg..... that was horrible. plus, it sounds like the rest of the plot turns out like a major hollywood movie, which isn't a good thing. wait, you might be able to make some money out of this...
#3
You shouldn't haev told us the endinG!!!

you Fcuked up big time!


It's really good, but now... its not worth reading anymore man!
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#5
Goes nowhere, really. Horrible. The mental equivalent of being raped by deformed, inbred rednecks.
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#6
Well...I thought it was gonna turn into a smutty romance novel. There's a couple grammatical errors. Hmmm...that's all I got.
Peepee on yo tittays
#7
Quote by Glen'sHeroicAct
i'm so sorry greg..... that was horrible. plus, it sounds like the rest of the plot turns out like a major hollywood movie, which isn't a good thing. wait, you might be able to make some money out of this...


Lol, this thread is serious business >_< not a place for the likes of you.

(pm me you git)

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#9
“Even though we have the umbrella, you keep hogging the damn thing”. -make that "stop hogging the umbrella", as your sentence doesn't sound right.

“What are you looking for?” I asked, brushing her soft golden hair. - that's better, eh?

there, that should bump it up to a respectable level.

(and i did pm you like a week ago, check your inbox)


EDIT- actually, make "stop hogging the umbrella" a part of the "where are we going?" so it's something like "where are we going? and stop hogging the umbrella, i'm getting wet!" i dunno, you just have to tweak your writing style so that everything flows.
Last edited by Glen'sHeroicAct at Feb 14, 2008,
#10
I'm not gonna lie, I didn't read it. So I guess this post is pretty useless.
"There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die."-Duke
#11
the ending sound sliek a chain letter

alls you need is the heading

ZoMg, ThIs StOrEy Is So SaD


and at the end if you dont read this you will have bad luck for the rest of your life

but the start was good
#12
Quote by Glen'sHeroicAct
“Even though we have the umbrella, you keep hogging the damn thing”. -make that "stop hogging the umbrella", as your sentence doesn't sound right.

“What are you looking for?” I asked, brushing her soft golden hair. - that's better, eh?

there, that should bump it up to a respectable level.

(and i did pm you like a week ago, check your inbox)


EDIT- actually, make "stop hogging the umbrella" a part of the "where are we going?" so it's something like "where are we going? and stop hogging the umbrella, i'm getting wet!" i dunno, you just have to tweak your writing style so that everything flows.



Yeah I forgot a few sentences , seeing how this is only a shell nubzor >_>

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#13
not bad.....the ending where it says he gets a phone call saying she is gonna die is kind of lame though.....maybe say something like they get close, then the girl starts pushing away and the guy doesnt know why, then something bad happens to the girl, and the he finds the letter in his room with the rose. im not a writer by any means, just tryin to help you out
#14
Quote by ExtremeMetalFTW
You shouldn't haev told us the endinG!!!

you Fcuked up big time!


It's really good, but now... its not worth reading anymore man!


Lnear towoo splel dudE!
#15
sounds really cliche and overproduced. try to come up with something that flows nicer and isnt as forced.

and the fact that you planted a flower seed that just happened to be in your jacket pocket on your first date, and she came back every once in a while to water them, but only one of them grew, and she wanted to bring you back to it, in the middle of a rainstorm, and you conveniently forget where you planted them when she takes you there is about as forced as it comes.

i did like the beginning tho. its a good start but just rework/change the ending
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#16
Quote by guitarslutxxx
not bad.....the ending where it says he gets a phone call saying she is gonna die is kind of lame though.....maybe say something like they get close, then the girl starts pushing away and the guy doesnt know why, then something bad happens to the girl, and the he finds the letter in his room with the rose. im not a writer by any means, just tryin to help you out


pretty good idea dude, thanks for the advice.

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#17
CHICK FLICK!!

sorry, needed to be said.
IRON MAIDEN
7 Feb 2008, Melbourne, Australia
23 Feb 2011, Melbourne, Australia
4 Mar 2011, Melbourne, Australia
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#18
Quote by Skelarot
CHICK FLICK!!

sorry, needed to be said.


A bit obvious no? Being it valentines day and all.

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#19
Quote by Evilpnguin
Goes nowhere, really. Horrible. The mental equivalent of being raped by deformed, inbred rednecks.