#1
Here's something I just wrote, I MIGHT try making it into a song, but as of now its just some poetry I wrote. It's actually the first thing I've sat down with and not tried to make it a song right off the bat.


Drawing a Blank

She picked up a piece of paper and her weapon of choice
began to write a story of her life
From her first Christmas she remembered when she was eight
She wrote of Sam, her Junior prom date
A day in July watching all the creatures in the sky
and her pulsating love line
December Oh-One "I'm in love!"
to January twenty-four "What a wh0re!"
She wrote it all, and wrote it again
when the last time she realized
she forgot to click the pen.


EDIT: Will also C4C
EDIT2: Thx UVER for that catch! Pretty noob mistake on my part :P
70's Japan Greco SuperPower
Amps: '65 TRRI - Peavey Classic 50 4x10 - Epiphone VJ Head (Modded) - 2x12 Celestion Greenback Cab
FX: BK Tube Driver - EH Small Stone - MXR CC
Acoustics: Breedlove ADSM20 - Alveraz 5021 12-String
Last edited by HellBent1337 at Feb 14, 2008,
#2
this is amazing. I love it. I felt at first that it was too short, but now I realize that it ends exactly where it needs to. very nice
#3
I really liked in the first line "and picked her weapon of choice".

Seems short at first, but it's good like that I think. And nice ending too !

The only thing I would have change would be :
She told it all, and told it again to : She wrote it all, and wrote it again to

You can take a look at mine ?
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=786556
#4
hahahahaha. very clever. Sorry, this is a crappy crit, but its perfect, brought a smile to my face, it passed the test good job
#5
i like this. it's short but it gets the point out there. nice.
Member #2 of the Mike Patton Worshippers club p.m. lalalama 2 to join

listen to metal.
#6
wow,keep it up man. Its abit short and ends at the right moment. I love the final line by the way! "She wrote it all, and wrote it again
when the last time she realized
she forgot to click the pen."
#7
First of all thanks for the crit I appreciate it. I really liked the rhythm that this piece had. It flowed very well. The only thing I would change would be "a story of her life" to "the story of her life." Yeah, I know I'm nitpicking here, but nothign needs to be changed. Also, the last line was great.
#8
Quote by themarsvolta
First of all thanks for the crit I appreciate it. I really liked the rhythm that this piece had. It flowed very well. The only thing I would change would be "a story of her life" to "the story of her life." Yeah, I know I'm nitpicking here, but nothign needs to be changed. Also, the last line was great.


Actually i went back and forth from that exact change like 12 times lol, i couldnt decide which i actually liked better, but thanks for the crits guys!
70's Japan Greco SuperPower
Amps: '65 TRRI - Peavey Classic 50 4x10 - Epiphone VJ Head (Modded) - 2x12 Celestion Greenback Cab
FX: BK Tube Driver - EH Small Stone - MXR CC
Acoustics: Breedlove ADSM20 - Alveraz 5021 12-String
#9
It has a clever twist at the end, and a good rhythm and fairly decent flow. Nice job.
Quote by Wilson
I didn't realize I was being transformed until I was in her kitchen wearing an apron and frosting her cupcakes.