#1
he's got an old guitar
hoping one day he'll go
far
It's a dream and
morning'll be here
before long

he's got a child's mind
and a life filled with
children's toys
they mean nothing
just bring some fleeting
joy

well i guess you know
all these things that he shows
are just a part of what we are

and what's left inside
that's found in our minds
is the product of a losing war

he's got a balance
on the razor blade that
is called life
one wrong step and walk
right off of that knife

he's got a worn smile
and a pair of blue jeans
to match
but that's the price that's paid
just gotta last

well i guess you know
all these things that he shows
are just a part of what we are

and what's left inside
that's found in our minds
is the product of a losing war

he's got a last request
to get off his chest
before he goes and fades away

he wants to find
what's deep inside
and the meaning in
this place called life


this song is about me. it's about how i feel about life.
#2
Quote by Spamwise
he's got an old guitar
hoping one day he'll go
far
It's a dream and
morning'll be here
before long

The Dream/Waking up is pretty cliche

he's got a child's mind
and a life filled with
children's toys
they mean nothing
just bring some fleeting
joy

I don't really like this stanza; because if 'he' had a childs mind, he'd love toys instead of them meaning nothing to him. So it just seems conflicting to me

well i guess you know
all these things that he shows
are just a part of what we are

and what's left inside
that's found in our minds
is the product of a losing war

I liked the rhyming patterned you sort of did here (are/war arnt the best rhyming words, but it works)

he's got a balance
on the razor blade that
is called life
one wrong step and walk
right off of that knife

Also pretty cliche

he's got a worn smile
and a pair of blue jeans
to match
but that's the price that's paid
just gotta last

Probably the best stanza in the song in opinion

well i guess you know
all these things that he shows
are just a part of what we are
and what's left inside
that's found in our minds
is the product of a losing war

he's got a last request
to get off his chest
before he goes and fades away

he wants to find
what's deep inside
and the meaning in
this place called life
Dont we wall


You may be reading my crites and thinking im a dick, but these are just my honest thoughts about it. not saying there isnt anything good in there, because there most definitively is. It'll take a little revamping, but try to stay away from cliche topics.
70's Japan Greco SuperPower
Amps: '65 TRRI - Peavey Classic 50 4x10 - Epiphone VJ Head (Modded) - 2x12 Celestion Greenback Cab
FX: BK Tube Driver - EH Small Stone - MXR CC
Acoustics: Breedlove ADSM20 - Alveraz 5021 12-String
#3
thanks for the post. you're not being a dick. If i wanted to hear just compliments I would have hired hookers to read it or something. I don't really know what I could change those lines that are cliche to though.
#4
It's really hard to think of original stuff, you just have to let it come to you ...if it was easy to do, everyone would be doing it.
70's Japan Greco SuperPower
Amps: '65 TRRI - Peavey Classic 50 4x10 - Epiphone VJ Head (Modded) - 2x12 Celestion Greenback Cab
FX: BK Tube Driver - EH Small Stone - MXR CC
Acoustics: Breedlove ADSM20 - Alveraz 5021 12-String
#5
yeah that's probably true. I only spent like 5 minutes on this, so maybe if i just give it more time more stuff will come to me.