#1
The setting is a nightclub in case it isn't entirely apparent. All (yes, all, I'm in the mood today) crits will be returned tonight. This is based on my feelings on nights out, although I'm not as paranoid.


I sit in the corners of flashing darkness
watching the happy people dance to wordless tunes –
(I call them the Others, Locke).
They are strangers, unknown customs
confusing me, the mating dance mesmerising,
doing nothing for me. Outside, in the rain,
they make smoke signals and rapid eye gestures –
(come hither, I want, nay, need you).
I wonder what would become of me
were I to become one of them.
I wonder what they would do to me
if they found I was not really a member of their clan,
just an infiltrator gathering classified information
about how to escape from their grasp.

They leech my happiness from me,
vampires sucking my life away.
They take my energy and lock me,
bound by chains of ignorance.
I don’t care for their jokes, Locke.
So, I shall stay in my light/dark/light corner,
sipping some herbal drink, numbing my troubles,
until the sun comes up and more medicine is needed.
I shall sit here, and I shall watch with envious eyes.
#2
is this a song or a poem? and what's with the title?
i like it...but it is a bit confusing....then again, that's why i like it
Quote by uvq
yeah fire him secretly... thats what im doing except im firing myself and secretly joining someone elses band

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If you get a virus by looking at porn, is it considered a sexually-transmitted disease?

Quote by DiveRightIn63
thanks for the compliment man!
#3
Quote by Dæmönika

I sit in the corners of flashing darkness
flashing darkness made the nightclub setting quite clear. Nice way of setting the scene. I can't say I really liked 'flashing darkness' though, it's a bit.. bland, maybe.
watching the happy people dance to wordless tunes –
'the happy people' sounded quite childish.
(I call them the Others, Locke).
This is interesting. The italics, the capitalization of Other and especially the name, Locke. Is this a reference to John Locke, the philosopher? I wish I knew. I like this, grabbed my interest.
They are strangers, unknown customs
confusing me, the mating dance mesmerising,
doing nothing for me. Outside, in the rain,
they make smoke signals and rapid eye gestures –
Great flow here. The alliteration of 'customs confusing' was great, stylistically. 'doing nothing for me' was a bit bland, you could put that in another way, I guess. Last line here was great, I could really see what you were saying.
(come hither, I want, nay, need you).
awesome.
I wonder what would become of me
were I to become one of them.
The second line here feels a bit clumsy to me. You lost the poetic atmosphere you had built up in the previous part. Same goes for the next line
I wonder what they would do to me
if they found I was not really a member of their clan,
just an infiltrator gathering classified information
about how to escape from their grasp.
I really feel like you lost it a bit here. This is just bland and absolutely not as poetic as the stuff you had before. The atmosphere is totally gone.

They leech my happiness from me,
vampires sucking my life away.
They take my energy and lock me,
bound by chains of ignorance.
I like how the vampires metaphor can be linked back to the darkness of the first line. I didn't like the metaphor itself though. It's a bit overused and for example, the second line was just weak. I'm sorry.
I don’t care for their jokes, Locke.
I'm still intrigued by this 'Locke'. This line might save this stanza.
So, I shall stay in my light/dark/light corner,
sipping some herbal drink, numbing my troubles,
until the sun comes up and more medicine is needed.
I shall sit here, and I shall watch with envious eyes.
The atmosphere got better here, again. 'some herbal drink' was a bit.. unspecific which i didn't really like. I like how you end it though.


You had some great ideas and killer lines but there were a lot of weak lines in there too, I thought. I liked it, but certainly not all of it.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=786374
#4
This is so good that I think I'll do a full crit:
Quote by Dæmönika

I sit in the corners of flashing darkness
watching the happy people dance to wordless tunes –
(I call them the Others, Locke).
Great imagery.. makes me feel like I'm there. I know exactly what you mean.
They are strangers, unknown customs
confusing me, the mating dance mesmerising,
I like how you say "mating dances".. so cynical, yet so true.
doing nothing for me. Outside, in the rain,
they make smoke signals and rapid eye gestures –
(come hither, I want, nay, need you).
Interesting how you phrase that.. makes no sense, but I like it.
I wonder what would become of me
were I to become one of them.
I wonder what they would do to me
if they found I was not really a member of their clan,
just an infiltrator gathering classified information
about how to escape from their grasp.
It's a neat way to express lonliness from the perspective of a bystander.. I like how the tone is confused yet at the same time aware of the nature of "their clan."

They leech my happiness from me,
vampires sucking my life away.
They take my energy and lock me,
bound by chains of ignorance.
I don’t care for their jokes, Locke.
Who is Locke, anyway?
So, I shall stay in my light/dark/light corner,
sipping some herbal drink, numbing my troubles,
until the sun comes up and more medicine is needed.
I shall sit here, and I shall watch with envious eyes.
Sums things up nicely.. the difficulties of a night out.


I only have one piece even worth a crit, if you want to check it out.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=778626

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Solder fume huffer σƒ τλε τρπ βπστλεπλσσδ

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Electronic Audio Experiments
#5
Quote by Dæmönika
I sit in the corners of flashing darkness
watching the happy people dance to wordless tunes – Seems to set the scene well enough - I think I would have got the night club without you explicitly mentioning it above
(I call them the Others, Locke). when I first read this I thought it was an author's note and not part of the lyrics, so I'm feeling a bit lost
They are strangers, unknown customs
confusing me, the mating dance mesmerising,
doing nothing for me. Outside, in the rain,
they make smoke signals and rapid eye gestures –
(come hither, I want, nay, need you). This section has a pretty good flow, but I don't understand why this is in parentheses.
I wonder what would become of me
were I to become one of them.
I wonder what they would do to me
if they found I was not really a member of their clan, These last 4 lines seem OK, but I agree with the previous crit that it kind loses its way after this line
just an infiltrator gathering classified information
about how to escape from their grasp.

They leech my happiness from me,
vampires sucking my life away. I found this line a bit cliched. I'm not sure the "sucking" reference is needed as you have the "leech" thing from the previous line.
They take my energy and lock me,
bound by chains of ignorance. This is a very strong metaphor
I don’t care for their jokes, Locke. Lost me again on the Locke thing
So, I shall stay in my light/dark/light corner, for me one of the instances of "light" should go
sipping some herbal drink, numbing my troubles,
until the sun comes up and more medicine is needed.
I shall sit here, and I shall watch with envious eyes. Envy suggests you want something, but I thought the point of the song was that you don't like the whole night-out thing


Check out Unspoken Tides or Gloucester Road (in my sig) if you think my comments have helped.